Birth Control Patrol

By Tonia

“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.” – Phyllis Diller

For centuries women everywhere have been trying to keep babies from getting on board. Some women use the No Penis method of birth control (not much fun). Others use the Get-that-Penis-out-of-Me-RIGHT-NOW method (not always effective). Still others use Sperm Bouncers. As women, we are all too familiar with these Sperm Bouncers – the spermicide, the diaphram, the pill, the patch, the shot, the condom, and the vaginal ring, to name a few. Personally, I think it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun instead of wearing a bullet proof vest but I digress….

To celebrate women’s shared pregnancy prevention vexation, here is a game for your girlfriends’ get-together that we call Birth Control Patrol.

Birth Control Patrol Relay:

Prior to the game, decide how many participants you want – we suggest four-six women. For each participant, make sure you have

One small bottle of small candies such as jelly

   beans or Skittles® (the pill),

A pink or red piece of cardboard (or construction

   paper) cut into the shape of a vagina,

A can of shaving cream (spermicide),

A plastic disposable cup (a diaphragm),

A condom (a condom),

A banana (stand-in for male anatomy),

A candle (spiritual symbol),

A set of matches (to light it up)

Set up four tables. One with the bottles of candy; one with the cardboard vaginas, shaving cream and plastic disposable cups; one with the condoms and bananas; one with the candles and matches.

Line up participants and direct them to perform the following tasks when you say, “GO!” 

(1) go to the table with the bottles of candy and eat all the candies (can’t leave until they’ve swallowed),

(2) go to the table with the cardboard vaginas, shaving cream and plastic disposable cups and spray one of the vaginas with the shaving cream and put one of the circle “diaphragms” on top of the shaving cream,

(3) go to the table with the condoms and bananas and put a condom ON a banana,

(4) go to the table with the candles and matches and light a candle, kneel down and pray, “Please, please, please don’t let me be pregnant!”

(5) return to the starting point.

The first one to make it back does NOT win a baby. And, baby, that is reward enough!

Oh, if you really want to have a baby, go ahead, I guess. Just take good care of it.