Dog Gone It

By Anna

Bark, bark, bark.

Bark, bark, BARK! All day. All night. Its cruel and unusual punishment.

When the federal government tried to break down the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas, they bombarded them with the sounds of animals in distress. Have I offended the Feds? Are they in the neighborhood? OK, I surrender! 

Neither my noise maker's loudest volume or my deepest meditative state can drown out the screeching obnoxious bark of that dog. Before I remembered that I'm 30 years old now and shouldn't act immaturely I had fantasies of...

...barking out the window all night

...duct taping the dog’s mouth shut

...toilet papering the house and throwing some rolls to the dog to chew up

But I maturely (are you reading this, Mom?) decided to simply write a letter from the dog to its owner. Here it is:

Dear Master,

For the love of God, man, I’m old, senile & neglected...bark bark...please let me in when it’s cold. Please let me in in the middle of the night. Bark! If you're having sex with some bitch...I mean, woman, I promise I'll leave you alone. 

Our neighbors now hate us...bark bark...Some of them have even tried to let me out of the yard so I would get picked up by canine control. Is that what you want?? To see me in prison?...bark bark...When I bark it's for a reason, you know. Have you heard of the Dog Whisperer? He could explain it to you...bark bark bark...If this persists...BARK...I’m afraid that one of the neighbors is going to put a contract out on me. Pleeeeaaaase pay some attention to me! And, for God’s sakes, LET ME IN!

Your soon to be BARKING ex-best friend,

___________________(dog's name)

A girlfriends’ party idea is to get together and help each other write <humorous> letters to people who have gotten on your last nerve. You know, the company phone call that leaves you on hold for 45 minutes, the hairdresser that totally cut your hair the way you asked her NOT to, the pharmaceutical company that didn’t warn you about smelly urine as a side effect, etc. And while you all are writing and laughing, fix yourself a cocktail. We call it the Letter-writing Dog-Gone Cocktail.

Dog-Gone Cocktail

Stir in mixing glass with ice & strain:

1 oz gin

3/4 oz dry vermouth

3/4 oz sweet vermouth

2 dashes calisay

Add a cherry

Serve in a cocktail glass