Tacky Christmas Party

by Tonia

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller

I recently moved and was forced to clean out my closet which led to the discovery of many missing items - some from as far back as 1972. But the prize of my closet exploits was the discovery of my old Christmas sweaters. You have to understand - I used to wear these sweaters with pride. I had a different one for every day of the week from Thanksgiving to Christmas. (Can you say, “Conspicuous consumption?”) Even back then my kids said I looked hideous. So now my beautiful Christmas sweaters are only good for tacky Christmas sweater parties. Anna thinks I could make a fortune selling them on ebay as my sweaters are the tackiest she’s ever seen. And WHY did I become a mother?

So go ahead and have a Tacky Christmas Sweater Party for your girlfriends. Nothing says obnoxious holiday cheer like puffy snowmen, appliqué Santas, sequined bells – and, my favorite…..blinking Rudolfs. By giving a second chance to these poor humiliating sweaters, you'll avoid shopping for new holiday outfits and you’ll honor Christmas Past with the Spirit of Christmas Recycling! If you don’t already have one of these fabulous sweaters in your closet you can (a) go to a Thrift Store (just make sure that it doesn’t smell like armpits) or (b) make your own (consider a headless snowman or reindeer in obnoxious sexual positions or a picture of yourself as Santa’s Ho.) Pull it all together with a little duct tape for extra class.

And, if you want to add a tacky gift exchange, gifts like an appliquéd Kleenex box cover, printed toilet paper, a squishy brain that farts, or a nose hair trimmer are all perfect. And let your refreshments join in the tackiness. Serve fruitcake, beef jerky and decorate gingerbread men and snowmen in their own tacky sweaters. Serve hor d’oeuvres in ice cube trays and create a centerpiece that screams tackiness - Christmas flamingos, plastic poinsettias, any kind of inflatable should work. And, for activities, get an inflatable Santa and take pictures of each other in tacky positions with him. And then email them to me! I love this shit.

The American Female Sleeping Sickness

by Anna
"I'm great in bed! I can sleep for days." - Unknown

We may be in the middle of a global energy crisis but I've got my own energy crisis going on here. Unexplained and unappreciated fatigue. There are some mornings I just have to sit down to brush my teeth. It's too much. Shower? I can skip a day. Fix my hair? Nahhhhh. And, if I have to choose between two activities, I pick the one that let's me have time for a nap.

I do the vitamin B and slap-yourself-in-the-face "You Must Take a Walk" pep talk. I drink lots of water and take my vitamins. The roomie and I share Red Bull.....well, I drink hers, replace them way late and then drink them again. I get my triple shot iced Americano at Starbucks. Why can't I wake up???

The Center for Disease Control says that fatigue is four times higher in women than in men. I have some ideas about why this is...... <Self-talk: "No male-bashing; no male-bashing; no male-bashing."> But I will say that between family responsibilities, jobs, household duties, bleeding like a stuck pig once a month, there are lots of reasons why women feel tired. I know someone who fell asleep in a meeting recently and slammed her chin on the table. Ouch.

So, get your girlfriends together and share remedies and medical research regarding fatigue. Come in your PJs and drink one of my ol' time faves:

The Spent Housewife
Grab a glass of ice
Fill it half with Red Bull and half with Vodka
Throw in a straw and take a load off your feet!

An Embarrassment to My Children

By Rachel

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kid's therapy.” - Michelle Pfeiffer

I have always considered myself a cool mom. I mean, I stay abreast of what is popular; I flat iron my hair; I dress in the latest styles …. or at least styles within the last 10 years or so. I’m cool, right? Well, apparently not. According to my daughter, I embarrass her just by breathing. Hell, she doesn’t even know what embarrassing is. She should have lived with MY mother who drove us to school in her nightgown and ran out of gas. And made moose calls when my "crush" was around. And entertained my friends with her imitation of a zit.

Okay, I admit, I probably shouldn’t have yelled out the car window “your skirt is tucked in your underwear” when I dropped her off at school. Or cranked up the Sesame Street music and danced with my 3 year old when I picked her up. But, seriously, it wasn’t like I was doing underarm noises at one of her school performances.

If she’s embarrassed by me I think it’s karma - pay back for the time she shouted, “Mommy, your zipper’s down!” at a Christmas party and for the time she peed in one of the display toilets at Lowes while we were looking at fixtures.

So I guess I’ve lost my coolness factor. But I’m adjusting. Now, instead of getting her to behave with threats of lost privileges, I just threaten to call her “PoocheyWorm” in front of her friends. Works like a charm.

My new motto: If you’re not embarrassing your kids, you’re missing all the fun. Tell us how you embarrass YOUR kids!

And the next time you and your girlfriends get together, brainstorm additional ways to embarrass your kids. It’s a riot. And add these easy, delicious pumpkin spice cookies to the menu:

Glazed Pumpkin Spice Cookies

Cookies

1 package Pumpkin Spice Cookie Mix

1 teaspoon Pumpkin Pie Spice

Glaze

1 cup confectioners’ sugar

1/2 tablespoon melted butter

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 1/2 tablespoons milk

Mix and bake cookies according to package directions. Let cookies cool completely. Combine all of the glaze ingredients in a bowl and add milk as needed to achieve the desired consistency. Drizzle glaze over cookies. Drizzle some glaze into your mouth if the kids aren't watching.

Losing my ASSets: My Fight with Cellulite

By Tonia

When did my ass start to look like cottage cheese? It used to be nice and plump and smooth. And then suddenly one morning I woke up and discovered the Dent Dimple Demon had gone on a psychotic rampage attacking my ass with a meat cleaver. Either that or he managed to surgically insert little marbles into my thighs and butt while I was anesthetized from a Saturday night party. Where was my Fairy Godmother to protect me from this kind of assault??? Oh yea….. I forgot…..she left me a resignation letter saying my aging body was more than she could save. Like a lot of men, she was moving on to younger women..... 

Cindy Crawford and Scarlett Johansson have said that they have cellulite. Pah-leeze. My cellulite could beat up their cellulite any day of the week.

Doctors say that cellulite is fatty deposits. These are not the kind of deposits I want. In fact, I would prefer withdrawals on this account! The only deposits I want are the ones in my checking account, thank you very much.

And why do those fatty deposits gather up in little clumps? Why can’t that fat evenly distributed itself like it does on the rest of body? Did the little fat cells call some kind of little committee meeting and couldn’t leave? Come on, girls, if you have to stay, mingle and spread around a bit!

The trouble with cellulite is that you can’t even suck it in. It just hangs all lumpy. Anyone know where can I get a push-up bra for my ass? My daughters recommend Spanx but that feels like slipping into a tourniquet for a Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomy.

Supposedly there are treatments for cellulite. But here’s my take on them:

1. Creams. It's not really the actual cream that works - it's the brisk rubbing that breaks down the fat deposits. Great. How am supposed to work if I have my hands down my pants rubbing my ass all day?

2. Exercise. That all sounds well and good but the clumsiness factor weighs in for me. After falling in the parking lot recently while merely walking, I’m thinking that exercise could be hazardous to my health.

3. Liposuction. Uuuhhh, expensive! I need a DIY version - a machine for home use. Would the suction of the vacuum cleaner work?

I know that we have posted these cookies before but they are so cute! Invite your girlfriends over, tell cellulite stories and enjoy adding more cellulite with these treats (you can even make cellulite dimples on them if you want to!):

Tonia’s Special Sugar Cookie Recipe

Go to the grocery store and purchase refrigerated sugar cookie dough.

  

Directions:

  

Roll out the dough 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick on a floured surface. Using a heart shaped cookie cutter, cut into hearts (duh!) and then cut off the points of the hearts. Place cookies on ungreased cookie sheets and bake according to directions. I like using the timer. Otherwise, I have to use the fire extinguisher. Cool completely before icing. 

Tonia’s Special Icing Recipe

While you are at the grocery store purchasing refrigerated sugar cookie dough, pick up different colored icing in those small tubes – you won’t need much. If you want to get really fancy buy some sprinkles as well.

  

Directions:

  

Look at the picture. I think you can figure it out. Be creative!

Magnifying Mirror Madness

By Anna

I do not have perfect skin. Nor do I have perfect eyebrows. I’m usually able to ignore these things until ….. I look …… insert scarey music ….. in my magnifying mirror. EEEEEkkkk!

Its not like I’m not already my own worst critic. I gotta’ go under the freakin’ lighted microscope to feel like some kind of mutant? AND THAT LIGHT! The levels should read:

  
LEVEL 1. Night club

LEVEL 2. Doctor's office

LEVEL 3. Interrogation room

With Interrogation Room Level 3 you get to see really awesome things like millions of freckles, saggy eyelids, black circles, moles morphing, red blotches, pores like craters, the beginning of crow’s feet, eyelashes that grow crooked or downwards, crazy eyebrows that grow down to the eyelids, and a baby furry mustache that now has petite handlebars! And what’s up with this furry forehead? Is this hair supposed to be there? Is it to keep my face warm in the winter?

Let me just pluck a few hairs….oh, shit! Now I’ve plucked my eyebrows off!

Let me just do a tiny squeeze.…damnit, now my face looks like chicken pox!

But I can’t. Move. Away. From. The. Mirror. Help me! I’m telling you, dudes do not do this crap. It’s addictive and destructive and we must throw those mirrors away!!

So I say grab that devil mirror of yours, crash a girlfriend’s house and create a game of breaking or trashing them. Then drink these:

Damage Control

2/3 cup pineapple juice, chilled

1/3 cup vanilla flavored vodka

2 tbls of grenadine syrup

Pour the pineapple juice, vodka and grenadine into a shaker full of ice. Shake and strain into two chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a piece of pineapple and a cherry on a toothpick...

…..and pat yourselves on the back for a task well done!