Losing my ASSets: My Fight with Cellulite

By Tonia

When did my ass start to look like cottage cheese? It used to be nice and plump and smooth. And then suddenly one morning I woke up and discovered the Dent Dimple Demon had gone on a psychotic rampage attacking my ass with a meat cleaver. Either that or he managed to surgically insert little marbles into my thighs and butt while I was anesthetized from a Saturday night party. Where was my Fairy Godmother to protect me from this kind of assault??? Oh yea….. I forgot…..she left me a resignation letter saying my aging body was more than she could save. Like a lot of men, she was moving on to younger women..... 

Cindy Crawford and Scarlett Johansson have said that they have cellulite. Pah-leeze. My cellulite could beat up their cellulite any day of the week.

Doctors say that cellulite is fatty deposits. These are not the kind of deposits I want. In fact, I would prefer withdrawals on this account! The only deposits I want are the ones in my checking account, thank you very much.

And why do those fatty deposits gather up in little clumps? Why can’t that fat evenly distributed itself like it does on the rest of body? Did the little fat cells call some kind of little committee meeting and couldn’t leave? Come on, girls, if you have to stay, mingle and spread around a bit!

The trouble with cellulite is that you can’t even suck it in. It just hangs all lumpy. Anyone know where can I get a push-up bra for my ass? My daughters recommend Spanx but that feels like slipping into a tourniquet for a Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomy.

Supposedly there are treatments for cellulite. But here’s my take on them:

1. Creams. It's not really the actual cream that works - it's the brisk rubbing that breaks down the fat deposits. Great. How am supposed to work if I have my hands down my pants rubbing my ass all day?

2. Exercise. That all sounds well and good but the clumsiness factor weighs in for me. After falling in the parking lot recently while merely walking, I’m thinking that exercise could be hazardous to my health.

3. Liposuction. Uuuhhh, expensive! I need a DIY version - a machine for home use. Would the suction of the vacuum cleaner work?

I know that we have posted these cookies before but they are so cute! Invite your girlfriends over, tell cellulite stories and enjoy adding more cellulite with these treats (you can even make cellulite dimples on them if you want to!):

Tonia’s Special Sugar Cookie Recipe

Go to the grocery store and purchase refrigerated sugar cookie dough.

  

Directions:

  

Roll out the dough 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick on a floured surface. Using a heart shaped cookie cutter, cut into hearts (duh!) and then cut off the points of the hearts. Place cookies on ungreased cookie sheets and bake according to directions. I like using the timer. Otherwise, I have to use the fire extinguisher. Cool completely before icing. 

Tonia’s Special Icing Recipe

While you are at the grocery store purchasing refrigerated sugar cookie dough, pick up different colored icing in those small tubes – you won’t need much. If you want to get really fancy buy some sprinkles as well.

  

Directions:

  

Look at the picture. I think you can figure it out. Be creative!