Tacky Christmas Party

by Tonia

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." ~ Phyllis Diller

I recently moved and was forced to clean out my closet which led to the discovery of many missing items - some from as far back as 1972. But the prize of my closet exploits was the discovery of my old Christmas sweaters. You have to understand - I used to wear these sweaters with pride. I had a different one for every day of the week from Thanksgiving to Christmas. (Can you say, “Conspicuous consumption?”) Even back then my kids said I looked hideous. So now my beautiful Christmas sweaters are only good for tacky Christmas sweater parties. Anna thinks I could make a fortune selling them on ebay as my sweaters are the tackiest she’s ever seen. And WHY did I become a mother?

So go ahead and have a Tacky Christmas Sweater Party for your girlfriends. Nothing says obnoxious holiday cheer like puffy snowmen, appliqué Santas, sequined bells – and, my favorite…..blinking Rudolfs. By giving a second chance to these poor humiliating sweaters, you'll avoid shopping for new holiday outfits and you’ll honor Christmas Past with the Spirit of Christmas Recycling! If you don’t already have one of these fabulous sweaters in your closet you can (a) go to a Thrift Store (just make sure that it doesn’t smell like armpits) or (b) make your own (consider a headless snowman or reindeer in obnoxious sexual positions or a picture of yourself as Santa’s Ho.) Pull it all together with a little duct tape for extra class.

And, if you want to add a tacky gift exchange, gifts like an appliquéd Kleenex box cover, printed toilet paper, a squishy brain that farts, or a nose hair trimmer are all perfect. And let your refreshments join in the tackiness. Serve fruitcake, beef jerky and decorate gingerbread men and snowmen in their own tacky sweaters. Serve hor d’oeuvres in ice cube trays and create a centerpiece that screams tackiness - Christmas flamingos, plastic poinsettias, any kind of inflatable should work. And, for activities, get an inflatable Santa and take pictures of each other in tacky positions with him. And then email them to me! I love this shit.