Holy Smoke!

by Tonia

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.” – George Carlin

For those of you who follow our blog regularly you may have noticed we only had three posts in January. I have a good excuse. My apartment burned down. Honest to God. And I wasn’t even cooking! Hell, I wasn’t even in town. Got the fire without getting to ogle sexy firemen. I totally got ripped off.

How does one little careless cigarette butt start a huge fire when I can’t get a whole box of matches to start a friggin’ flame in my fireplace? The universe is not right.

After I saw the remains of my belongings and recovered from my psychotic break, I decided to use my tried-and-true coping skills: humor and Facebook. I posted what happened and forbid my friends from making any sweet, sentimental “I’m so sorry” comments. Instead I asked them to give me party suggestions for a FIRED UP party. So, if you are FIRED UP about something (a philanthropy project, a political cause, long lines at the post office...), here are some of my friends' fabulous party ideas:

REFRESHMENT SUGGESTIONS:

(1) Serve flaming drinks or martinis with red hot candies

(2) Serve Cherries Jubilee, Baked Alaska or Bananas Foster

(3) Roast weenies and call it a Man Roast

ENTERTAINMENT IDEAS:

(1) Bring in a fire eater who doubles as a stripper

(2) Burn your bras

(3) Create games with fire extinguishers

MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS:

(1) Light my Fire by the Doors

(2) Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple

(3) Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash

(4) Through the Fire by Chaka Khan

(5) We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel

(6) Fire and Ice by Pat Benetar

(7) Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis

(8) Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You by Dolly Parton

And, by the way, if you’ve ever had thoughts of burning your house down, I don’t recommend it. But, if you have other FIRED UP party ideas, be sure to list them here!

Looking Cool = Epic Fail

by Tonia

"There is something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk." - Drew Barrymore

I live in Tulsa but love to spend as much time as I can in Santa Fe. There are definitely differences between these two cities – in altitude AND attitude. 

When I am in Santa Fe I try to look cool by eating organic and being green (environmentally friendly – not sick from a hang-over). Recently when I was in Santa Fe, I purchased some groceries at Whole Foods and had forgotten my canvas bags to carry them in. Well, to be honest, I didn’t exactly know WHERE my canvas bags were but that’s not cool. The clerk gave me a disgusted look and disapprovingly said, “You don’t have your bags?” Not wanting to seem uncool, I told her that I would just carry my items without a (God forbid) paper sack. After all, I only had about 10 items. No problem, right?

 

I walked across the parking lot with my arms full of groceries, looking like an organic shoplifter. As I opened my car door, I dropped my 6-pack of root beer (hey, it was Blue Sky). Enjoying their new-found freedom, all six cans rolled off independently across the parking lot. I tossed my other groceries in the car and went after the run-away root beer. As I picked up one of the cans, I stood up and smashed my eye into the corner of the car door. I heard someone say “OUCH!” Holding my eye I gathered the rest of the root beer and got into my car. Still hurting, I thought I would comfort myself with a drink. So I opened a can of root beer and, you guessed it, it exploded all over me and the car. Looking cool = epic fail.

In honor of my run-away root beer, here is a Root Beertini recipe for your next girlfriends’ get-together. But drink it; don’t wear it.

Root Beertini

2 oz Three Olives Root Beer Vodka

1 oz amaretto liqueur

One scoop of vanilla ice cream

Shake the vodka and amaretto with ice. Strain the ice and pour into a martini glass. Float a scoop of vanilla ice cream in the center of it. Enjoy!

Mountain Sized Tantrums

By Rachel

“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children.’" ~ Susan Savannah

Every year my mother takes all of us (kids and grandkids) on a ski trip. We really look forward to this and typically have a fabulous time. However, after this year's trip, I may leave one of my brats children at home next time.
   
After a private ski lesson, I decided I could handle my 3 year old on the slopes. While going up the chair lift he decided to throw the tantrum of a lifetime. Because he was flinging himself from side to side on the lift, I couldn’t pull down the safety bar. By the time we got to the end of the lift, I was holding him by one arm as his entire body was hanging off the chair. Because we couldn’t just hop off, the chair swung around and started to take us back DOWN the mountain – still with the screaming 3 year old dangling below the chair. Fortunately, the operator stopped the lift and assisted us. <Note to self for next year: send kids to all-day ski school. Check to see if they offer after hours care through the evening and maybe overnight.>

But that is not the end of the story. Because the operator had to remove my son’s skis to get us untangled from the chair lift, my son then started screaming to put his skis back on. I tried to tell him I would put them on once he calmed down. But, by this time, he was completely out of control. He threw himself in the snow, screaming and flailing so that everyone getting off the lift looked at me as some kind of child abuser. I tried to tell them I had no idea who this poor child was and that I was looking for his mother. But he kept looking at me screaming, “MOMMY, put my skis on!” So much for peace in the mountains. We could hear his screams echoing for miles. One of the ski instructors asked if we wanted ski patrol to take my son down the mountain. I told him I wanted ski patrol all right - but for ME as I was about to pound my head against the nearest tree.

My mom stayed with us during the entire ordeal encouraging me to just ignore the screams. My husband, on the other hand, took off like a teenage boy with a promise of getting laid. Still plotting my revenge. Finally, after what seemed like centuries, my son calmed down and we skiied down the mountain for lunch. When I finally found my husband I told him it was HIS turn to watch the screamer kid. Handling lunch line crowds would be a breeze after what I had just been through. But I ended up changing lines because a group of people were talking about the “out of control kid” on the mountain. Hoping we’re not banned from the resort next year.

Invite your girlfriends over for a “Tantrum Party.” Take turns telling stories about your kids’ worst tantrums. Have everyone vote on which one is truly the worst and give a prize. Drink heavily and call a cab to get home. Here is a fabulous “snow” drink that we borrowed (OK, stole) from The Sweetest Temptations website. They have fabulous recipes so take a look HERE

Snowman Martini

2 ounces Pinnacle Whipped Vodka

1 ounce vanilla vodka

1 ounce Godiva White Chocolate liqueur (you can sub white creme de cacoa)

2 scoops of very melty vanilla ice cream— almost pourable

Instructions:

Put ice into martini glass to chill. Put a handful of ice and all of your ingredients into a cocktail shaker. Shake well. Remove the ice from the glass and pour. Garnish with a snowman “Peep” or a dollop of whipped cream.

Grandma’s Butt Cream for Your Face

by Anna

As a teenager I used Noxzema as my skin care plan. Then, in my 20s, I got a Clinique upgrade. After college and my first job I invested in Shiseido and, oh, my skin days were GOOD. Then came...The Lay Off. I was hoping that I could show my pink slip for a discount on skin care products but that seemed just to be part of The Lay Off psychosis.

Being out of a job for almost a year had me microwaving old coffee, using the heels of bread loaves and turning out lights (even with people still in the room).  As part of that scrimp and scrimp some more lifestyle, I tried various Wal-Mart and Dollar Store skin care crap and my skin has never looked worse. In fact, I actually ended up with a chemical burn and had to hibernate for a week without makeup. (This was NOT good for the job search.) The rest of the time I just looked like I had been exfoliating with a Brillo pad. I was drinking lots of water, hoping that would hydrate me and make my skin glow, but that only made me have to pee every 15 minutes. (Again, NOT good for the job search.) I bought a cheap bronzer to hide the red and peeley skin but it just made me look like a greasy oompa loompa.

But I finally found an inexpensive skin care plan - Cetaphil Antibacterial Gentle Cleansing Bar for Dry, Sensitive Skin (say that 5x’s fast) and Cetaphil Ultra Hydrating Lotion for Dry, Sensitive Skin (memorize all this because there will be a quiz later).

My friend, Beth, and I like to call the moisturizer, “Grandma’s Butt Cream.” But, in all seriousness, it works. It saved my face - it no longer looks like mistreated cow hyde. You all can thank me later.

For your next girlfriends' get together, give each other facials, share skin care tips and sip on this:

The Fountain of Youth

3 Cucumber slices

1.5 oz. Gin

2.5 oz. White Cranberry Juice

1 tsp. Pimm’s No.1

0.5 tsp. Fresh Lime Juice

Grab your shaker and throw in 2 of the cucumber slices with two handfuls of ice. Add the rest of the ingredients and shake vigorously. Strain into a frosted martini glass and garnish with the remaining slice of cucumber.