Buffing the Beaver

By Tonia

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” - Lily Tomlin

I know it’s still April but May is National Masturbation Month and I couldn’t wait to announce it! My hands may be busy celebrating and unable to type this blog so I needed to get it up early.

Not just another typical Hallmark holiday, Masturbation Month lets me revel in my plumbing for 31 days without having to share the celebration with the relatives. May is now not only the month of overcrowded Mothers’ Day Brunches with screaming, hungry kids, and the month of unveiling glow-in-the-dark winter white skin at the pool on Memorial Day, it's the month I can masturbate myself into a severe case of carpal-tunnel.

Masturbation Month was actually started in 1995 by a sex store, Good Vibrations, as a protest to the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who suggested that masturbation could be part of sex education. OMG! I guess there are still politicians who worry about youth growing hair on their palms if they “choke the chicken.” Or being struck blind, incontinent and drooly if they “pet the pussy.” I’ve even heard threats about masturbators going to hell and having to perform lewd sexual acts for eternity if they touched themselves. (Wait! That sounds kind of fun…..).

Of course we know that masturbation is really GOOD for us! It strengthens the immune system and increases resistance to yeast infections; it combats stress, improves mood, and decreases insomnia. Hell, it even alleviates pre-menstrual cramps! (Wish I’d known that as a teen – instead of undoing HIS zipper, I could have had my hands down my OWN pants). AND, in these difficult economic times, instead of pricey summer vacations, what could be better than staying at home in one's own bed / bathroom with one’s own computer / trashy magazines?

And let me just say – I love masturbation. It lets me be sexually active even when I can’t sucker seduce someone into my bed. It helps me discover pleasure-ific feelings leading to bigger and better Os. I can play with dildos, ben-wa balls, and ticklers and use a electric toothbrush vibrator if my hand gets tired. And, by the way, I heard that the best place to get great sex toys is Clit ‘R’ Us (sorry – couldn’t resist!).

So, to celebrate Masturbation Month with your girlfriends, have a sex toy party. Introduce the idea of daily masturbation with the following days of the week:

Make Me Moan Mondays

Twat Tickling Tuesdays

Wacky Wet Wednesdays

Thumping Thrusting Thursdays

Finger Fucking Fridays

Sexy Screaming Saturdays

Second-hand Sundays

And as a game, write down various questions about masturbation on index cards and ask each guest to answer one or two. Here are some ideas to get your creativity juices flowing:

(1) How old were you when you first masturbated?

(2) What was the best masturbation advice or tip you ever received?

(3) Have you ever been “caught” masturbating?

(4) Have you ever “caught” someone else masturbating?

(5) Have you ever masturbated in front of someone?

(6) What toys do you like to use when masturbating?

(7) What is your favorite fantasy when you masturbate?

Feel free to answer a couple of the questions in the comments below!

“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.” - George Carlin

Sleepless in Oklahoma

By Tonia

"People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them."  ~  Leo J. Burke

A partner of mine in business (and his wife) recently had their first baby. Prior to their daughter’s birth, he boasted he wouldn’t be bothered by lack of sleep like “other” parents. “Sleep is overrated,” he said, “Only the weak need 8 hours.” Of course now he is putting his dirty laundry in the ‘fridge and the milk in the medicine cabinet. He asked me when he was going to get a decent night’s sleep again and I told him in 18 years. Trying to be a supportive friend....

I remember those sleepless nights with new babies – and then trying to run errands the next day. Sitting in traffic thinking “How the HELL do I get to the <drug store / post office / doctor’s office>? What road am I on? Where am I?” I remember spraying my armpits with hair spray, and going from a fairly fluent vocabulary to something bordering on Cro-Magnon communication – all unnecessary words dropped from my sentences:

"Hungry?"

"Uh."

"Want food?"

"Uh."

"We get burgers?"

"Uh. Mmmm."

So when I visited my friend and the baby I couldn’t resist taking the book, Go the Fuck to Sleep. If you’ve not seen it, it’s a pants-wettingly hilarious children's book written for adults. It absolutely captures the overwhelming frustration of trying to put the baby to sleep and feeling like you will never, ever leave the room again – or sleep again.

For your next girlfriends’ baby shower be sure to read Go the Fuck to Sleep. Click HERE to hear Samuel Jackson reading it. Then tell stories of the most outrageous things you've ever done because of lack of sleep.

It’s a Blizzard of Brides and I have White Out!

By Anna

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner

“White-out” is a term bridal shops use when women have tried on so many dresses that they can’t remember what they like…. or, for that matter, who they’re marrying. Right now, during wedding season, I have white out. At the end of the day the store looks like the aftermath of a bridal tsunami - dresses, veils, shoes, bras, slips, tiaras, Spanx, barrettes everywhere. I can’t remember if I’m at work, in a blizzard or just finished having sex.

This is the time of year when I would like to recommend naked weddings. Not only would it be cheaper, a naked wedding would show true commitment, don’t you think? If someone is willing to marry a person after seeing her/him upright, nude and in broad daylight, it’s got to be true love.

When I first started working at the bridal shop I thought I would encounter the famed Bridezilla, but turns out there is no Bridezilla – IT’S HER MOTHER. We call her the M.O.B.ster – the mother of the bride who tries to be bigger than life and direct everyone like Tony Soprano. She looks at price tags and acts like she needs smelling salts. She blabs on and on about her “little girl” and her own ancient wedding. These mothers come with so much drama I feel like I’m in a bad lifetime movie. Turns out, it’s my real life. 

But the brides are fun. Let me introduce you to a few:

Type A-nal Anastasia

These women come with a printed list of their favorite dresses. They have already registered and planned their entire lives. They know what they want – and usually it’s something to do with being a Disney Princess. They always buy. And they almost always cry.

Rock It All Roxy

These women look fabulous in anything - but have no idea what they want. They are tons of fun for my inner fashionista. Even though they rarely buy, dressing them up is like playing Barbies again.

Shit Kickin’ Katie

These gals are obviously country. (Remember, I live in Oklahoma.) If Uncle Dale ain’t preachin’ or they ain’t getting’ married out back then they’ll definitely be wearin’ shit kickers (AKA cowboy boots). These brides are easy. They never want a train on their dress and never cause a fuss. This is their one stop shop and they wanna’ get the hell outta there. My commission thanks them.

For your next bridal shower or bachelorette party, try playing the I'VE NEVER GAME.

I’ve Never...

One at a time, ask each party guest to admit something she’s never done before. Encourage everyone to be creative and wacky. For example, "I’ve never gone to a bar commando" or “I’ve never had sex on the roof.” After each admission, anyone who has done that particular act has to take a shot of beer (or whatever alcohol you want to serve). You may learn more about your girlfriends than you ever wanted to know which, of course, is the whole point.....

On the Road Again

By Tonia

“You said you 'n' me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin', look out 'cause my hair is comin' down!” - Thelma in 'Thelma and Louise'

I had to buy a new car last fall. OMG! I felt like I needed to go by the hospital to get a purse transfusion. But I had to do it. The old car was a 1997, AAA-loving vehicle of shame.  Everything on it made a noise except the horn. And it vibrated so much I got a massage whenever I drove. The dealership where I bought the new car didn’t appreciate the old car's quirks - the trade-in value didn’t even cover the new car's sales tax.

It was pretty trashed out, too. I used to blame my kids - but, after they turned 30, I couldn’t use them as excuses any more. Damn them for growing up!

But I did love that old car. Not the way guys love their cars, mind you, (guys seem as fascinated with cars as they are with boobs) but it was a dear friend. I embraced its quirks – the coat hanger antennae, the broken cassette player, the blue bubblegum embedded in the carpet. If it had been an outfit, it would have been an old comfortable pair of torn-up overalls.

My first car was a Volkswagon bug. I used it for both drivers’ ed and sex ed. Awww, sweet memories.... I accidently drove it over a wall once and made the newspaper. I drove that thing to death. Literally. It threw a rod on a freeway in California on the way to the beach. I didn’t let that stop me, though. I just hitch-hiked to the beach from the side of the road where I was stranded.

So, to celebrate vehicles and enjoy your girlfriends, get together and hit the road for a week-end! Pick out a destination or take turns saying “right” or “left” at each stop. While traveling make up names for yourselves and introduce yourselves to strangers with the made up names.

Don’t pack anything – just shop sale racks or thrift stores and drop your disposable clothes along the way. Be creative and leave your underwear in outrageous places – under a barstool, in a mailbox, in the microwave at a convenience store, etc. Enjoy! (And be sure to tell us every detail of your trip!)