Buffing the Beaver

By Tonia

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” - Lily Tomlin

I know it’s still April but May is National Masturbation Month and I couldn’t wait to announce it! My hands may be busy celebrating and unable to type this blog so I needed to get it up early.

Not just another typical Hallmark holiday, Masturbation Month lets me revel in my plumbing for 31 days without having to share the celebration with the relatives. May is now not only the month of overcrowded Mothers’ Day Brunches with screaming, hungry kids, and the month of unveiling glow-in-the-dark winter white skin at the pool on Memorial Day, it's the month I can masturbate myself into a severe case of carpal-tunnel.

Masturbation Month was actually started in 1995 by a sex store, Good Vibrations, as a protest to the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who suggested that masturbation could be part of sex education. OMG! I guess there are still politicians who worry about youth growing hair on their palms if they “choke the chicken.” Or being struck blind, incontinent and drooly if they “pet the pussy.” I’ve even heard threats about masturbators going to hell and having to perform lewd sexual acts for eternity if they touched themselves. (Wait! That sounds kind of fun…..).

Of course we know that masturbation is really GOOD for us! It strengthens the immune system and increases resistance to yeast infections; it combats stress, improves mood, and decreases insomnia. Hell, it even alleviates pre-menstrual cramps! (Wish I’d known that as a teen – instead of undoing HIS zipper, I could have had my hands down my OWN pants). AND, in these difficult economic times, instead of pricey summer vacations, what could be better than staying at home in one's own bed / bathroom with one’s own computer / trashy magazines?

And let me just say – I love masturbation. It lets me be sexually active even when I can’t sucker seduce someone into my bed. It helps me discover pleasure-ific feelings leading to bigger and better Os. I can play with dildos, ben-wa balls, and ticklers and use a electric toothbrush vibrator if my hand gets tired. And, by the way, I heard that the best place to get great sex toys is Clit ‘R’ Us (sorry – couldn’t resist!).

So, to celebrate Masturbation Month with your girlfriends, have a sex toy party. Introduce the idea of daily masturbation with the following days of the week:

Make Me Moan Mondays

Twat Tickling Tuesdays

Wacky Wet Wednesdays

Thumping Thrusting Thursdays

Finger Fucking Fridays

Sexy Screaming Saturdays

Second-hand Sundays

And as a game, write down various questions about masturbation on index cards and ask each guest to answer one or two. Here are some ideas to get your creativity juices flowing:

(1) How old were you when you first masturbated?

(2) What was the best masturbation advice or tip you ever received?

(3) Have you ever been “caught” masturbating?

(4) Have you ever “caught” someone else masturbating?

(5) Have you ever masturbated in front of someone?

(6) What toys do you like to use when masturbating?

(7) What is your favorite fantasy when you masturbate?

Feel free to answer a couple of the questions in the comments below!

“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.” - George Carlin