It’s a Blizzard of Brides and I have White Out!

By Anna

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner

“White-out” is a term bridal shops use when women have tried on so many dresses that they can’t remember what they like…. or, for that matter, who they’re marrying. Right now, during wedding season, I have white out. At the end of the day the store looks like the aftermath of a bridal tsunami - dresses, veils, shoes, bras, slips, tiaras, Spanx, barrettes everywhere. I can’t remember if I’m at work, in a blizzard or just finished having sex.

This is the time of year when I would like to recommend naked weddings. Not only would it be cheaper, a naked wedding would show true commitment, don’t you think? If someone is willing to marry a person after seeing her/him upright, nude and in broad daylight, it’s got to be true love.

When I first started working at the bridal shop I thought I would encounter the famed Bridezilla, but turns out there is no Bridezilla – IT’S HER MOTHER. We call her the M.O.B.ster – the mother of the bride who tries to be bigger than life and direct everyone like Tony Soprano. She looks at price tags and acts like she needs smelling salts. She blabs on and on about her “little girl” and her own ancient wedding. These mothers come with so much drama I feel like I’m in a bad lifetime movie. Turns out, it’s my real life. 

But the brides are fun. Let me introduce you to a few:

Type A-nal Anastasia

These women come with a printed list of their favorite dresses. They have already registered and planned their entire lives. They know what they want – and usually it’s something to do with being a Disney Princess. They always buy. And they almost always cry.

Rock It All Roxy

These women look fabulous in anything - but have no idea what they want. They are tons of fun for my inner fashionista. Even though they rarely buy, dressing them up is like playing Barbies again.

Shit Kickin’ Katie

These gals are obviously country. (Remember, I live in Oklahoma.) If Uncle Dale ain’t preachin’ or they ain’t getting’ married out back then they’ll definitely be wearin’ shit kickers (AKA cowboy boots). These brides are easy. They never want a train on their dress and never cause a fuss. This is their one stop shop and they wanna’ get the hell outta there. My commission thanks them.

For your next bridal shower or bachelorette party, try playing the I'VE NEVER GAME.

I’ve Never...

One at a time, ask each party guest to admit something she’s never done before. Encourage everyone to be creative and wacky. For example, "I’ve never gone to a bar commando" or “I’ve never had sex on the roof.” After each admission, anyone who has done that particular act has to take a shot of beer (or whatever alcohol you want to serve). You may learn more about your girlfriends than you ever wanted to know which, of course, is the whole point.....