Spanx Ain't for Sissies

Estrofests is excited to host guest blogger, Mary Sullivan Lounsbury. Mary is a stay-at-home Mimi and an old high school friend of Tonia's. Mary and Tonia recently reconnected through a high school reunion Facebook page poking fun at aging.

by Mary Sullivan Lounsbury

Menopause has had its way with me and I'm now past the size 14 I said I would NEVER grow beyond. Grrrrr. I wasn't supposed to be this size. So now I’m an overweight-sizing / weight-control-garment shopping virgin. Let me tell you my story.

I walked into “a Fat Lady Store" but was too ashamed to ask a sales person for help. Let's see,1X, 2X, 3X…. Where should I begin? I decided to just grab one item in every size. I quickly realized 1X is the smallest of the jumbo clothes. I put on some pants and a top but made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Holy s..t!!  I had a huge growth on my middle!  It resembled a tire but I guess it’s known as a "muffin top." I love muffins, but NOT on my body!

Later my husband's company was having a mandatory event and I didn’t want to be seen as the boss’s FAT WIFE which meant shopping again. This time I asked the sales associate for help. She told me about Spanx - said they were the most wonderful invention since the push-up bra. Hey, I'll buy anything that gets rid of the muffin top and shows off my newly acquired weight-enhanced big boobs!

I decided on a pair that went all the way up to my boobage but I couldn’t make myself try them on in the store. In fact, I put off trying them on until I needed them the day of the event. I opened the package. "OH NO, how am I going to squeeze my jumbo self into these little things? These were meant for Barbie, right?” But I had no time to waste.  I jumped in with both feet.  Pulling, sweating, grunting and cussing, I considered going downstairs for some Crisco or WD-40, but, like those mothers who find the strength to lift the truck off their child, I FINALLY got the Spanx all the way up! 

Then I had to reapply my makeup because all that sweating made my face look like I had just worked out at the gym in full make-up. That or I had had some crazy kind of kinky sex. Anyway, I was exhausted, but I had no time to spare. 

I jumped into the car with the hubby and thought all was well. But sitting down caused the Spanx to roll down to my waist and my muffin top exploded out from underneath. NOW what was I going to do? I could "adjust" the situation in the car, but how would I keep this from happening again?  I had it!  DON'T. SIT. DOWN. 

But then later that evening Problem Number 2 arose. I needed to pee. REALLY needed to pee. I looked for a "trap door" and there wasn't one. Crap! It took me a LONG TIME to get those Spanx up. I didn’t have enough energy to do it again. So, I did what any other self-respecting, overweight woman would do - I ripped a hole in the crotch and took care of business. 

You'd think this experience would be enough to make me lose weight, but I found another way to go.  Move up to a 2X and forget the Spanx!  The clothes drape nicely covering the bits that spill out and I'm COMFORTABLE.  No need to give up my ice cream.

So, the next time you get your girlfriends together, serve this unique and fabulous ice cream dessert. It's super easy and only uses two ingredients. And don’t worry about the calories!

Ginger Snap Ice Cream Dessert

1/2 gallon vanilla ice cream (must be real ice cream)

1 box ginger snaps

Place the ice cream in a large bowl and allow it to melt. While it is melting, grind the entire box of Ginger Snaps into crumbs. Place 1/2 of the crumbs in bottom of a 13x9 Pyrex pan, spreading evenly. Carefully pour melted ice cream on top taking care not to disturb the Ginger Snaps. Gently spoon the remaining Ginger Snaps over the entire top. Freeze for several hours until ice cream is hard. Cut, serve and ENJOY! 

Mary Sullivan Lounsbury, aka MiMi to her grandkids, lives in Southern Californa and has been married to the love of her life for 39 years. She is the proud mother of two grown children and grandmother to four of the most brilliant, beautiful grandbabies in the world. She is currently a stay at home MiMi so that her daughter and son-in-law can improve the lives of children as educators.