Bridal Bender

by Anna

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~ Groucho Marx

I work in a bridal shop so my life is centered around weddings. Not only do I outfit brides, their families and their wedding parties, I'm a family therapist and sometimes, a babysitter.

I've been to over a 100 weddings. And, let me tell you, I've seen it all. I've seen grandmas grinding on groomsmen; I've seen divorced parents sneaking a quickie; I've seen fist fights … and the ultimate challenge … I've seen plastered brides.

I bring this up because, at the most recent wedding I attended, the bride was plastered before she even sat down for hair and makeup. In front of her FORMER mother-in-law she was shouting for refills of champagne and asking if anyone had any weed. (Is this how one enters matrimonial bliss?) Fortunately, she had several girlfriends to come to her rescue. Two of us raided the buffet line early to get some food and water in her. Not sure that sobered her up but it may have prevented her from getting really sick.

About an hour before the ceremony was to begin, she wanted to move the whole ceremony outside. Girlfriends to the rescue again! Convinced her to keep it inside since everything was already decorated so beautifully.

Then, thirty minutes before the ceremony, we learned that there had NOT been a rehearsal. (Guess you don't need those if you've been married before!) The THREE flower girls started fighting and crying about who would go first. Girlfriend to the rescue! Pulled them aside for a “secret girls meeting” to problem-solve. That one didn't work so well. As some random, nine-month pregnant wedding guest and I opened the doors for the staggering bride, the flower girls went flying down the aisle, pushing and shoving - and chucking flowers at each other. Oh well.

At the altar, the tottering bride handed off her bouquet to the oldest girl who proceeded to pluck the heads off of every single flower. Couldn’t save that one either.

At the reception the bride dedicated a song to each of her children and requested a dance ... and by dance I mean she dragged each child around by the head, lip-syncing every single word of the song. The new adult stepson simply left her alone on the dance floor mid-song. Girlfriends to the rescue! We joined her on the dance floor and ballerina-danced with her until the end of the song. I'm hoping that there is no video of this on You Tube.

After a few more drinks and major inappropriate remarks by the bride, I decided to call it a night. The girlfriends decided that the intervention could wait until after the honeymoon.

Who has stories of funny/awful/embarrassing weddings you've been to? Perhaps your own? Share them with us while you drink one of these:

Blushing Bride

1oz peach schnapps

1oz grenadine

4oz champagne

Pour peach schnapps and grenadine into a champagne flute. Top with champagne. Throw in a cherry for fun. Cheers!