Harried Holidays

by Tonia

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Dave Barry, humor columnist 


It’s that time of year again - irritable crowds, ransacked stores, hopeless indecision and cash fatigue – aka the holidays. The time of year when we give and receive underwear, socks and gift cards. 

Currently I have 8-10 gift cards in my wallet from holidays past, each one with a balance of approximately $1.72. I try to keep them all just in case I want to purchase something from one of those stores and can actually REMEMBER to use it. But then there’s always the chance that I’ll remember to use it and realize I’ve misplaced it. Ugh. I guess the biggest gift is really to the retailers who make $8 billion per year from unused and unspent gift cards. Bastards!

And then there are always the other impractical gifts – stripper garden gnomes, toilet coffee cups, psycho shower curtains, you know the ones! Someone once gave me The History and Arts of the Dominatrix. Really? I’ll put that right next to my Kama Sutra Pop-up Book in the living room for the grandkids to look at.

I have a friend whose grandmother gave her a box of free hotel soaps and shampoos one year. That’s practical. Another friend said she received a rabbit’s foot from someone’s recently deceased rabbit (ligaments, bones and all). Uh, that’s … lucky?

And here’s one of my favorite stories in my friend’s own words:

When we were dating, my ex-husband bought me a hideous sweater for Christmas. Even though it was clearly the kind of sweater that caused people to be bullied, I decided to give it a mercy wearing. I wore it when one of his friends came to our house, because there was no friggin’ way I was wearing it in public. (I'm nice, but not stupid.) My ex-husband flicked his lighter out of habit and, as he was talking to his friend, he passed behind me and caught the back of my sweater on fire .... as in big flames WHOOSHING fire. Then he pounded my back hard enough to dislodge my esophagus to put it out. Did I mention he's my EX-husband?

So, if you can get with your girlfriends this holiday season, consider ditching the gifts and just dress up as obnoxious holiday characters and take obscene pictures. The pictures will be priceless….especially if held as ransom. Now tell us YOUR holiday gift stories!