Brutally Browless

by Rachel

Anna (my riotous baby sister) came to Texas and stayed with me while my husband was away on a business trip. We had a great time gossiping, making fun of our mother (her 1970s bathing suit, her necessary second fire extinguisher in the kitchen, etc.) ..... and discussing the latest make-up trends. Anna says thin eyebrows are out and thick ones are in. Researchers have actually analyzed women’s brows in magazines since 1946 and found that, not only have eyebrows gotten fuller, they've moved further away from the nose. Buh-bye, minnow brows!

Supposedly thick brows make you look younger and sexier! Wish I would've known this when I was a tweezers abuser! I’ve probably looked surprised for over 20 years now. AND I’ve over-plucked them for so long they won’t even grow back! Anna suggested we draw them in. I figured it was cheaper than hair transplant surgery so we headed to the store and picked up tools for our brow make-over. Uh, we may've been a little overzealous at first….

**Note: Anna wouldn’t let me post her first pic here, too terrified Mom will put it on her Facebook page, deterring future dating prospects…

Always looking for ways to shock my children, I picked up my pre-teen daughter from camp sporting the uni-brow look. Her nonchalant comment to me, “I hope you're going to wash that off when we get home.” Child embarrassment FAIL.

Not ones to give up, Anna and I were determined to have thick brows. So, we continued practicing the art of brow making.  We finally got an end result that made us feel younger and sexier (see pic of smokin’ hot Spicer women)!

So I was ready to take my new look out on the town (meaning soccer practice). It was friggin’ HOT - 102 degrees with a heat index of 650 (or close to it).

As I was chatting with the other moms, my daughter looked at me a few times and then asked, “What’s all over your face?” My new brows had melted and were smudged everywhere! Guess the brow make-over can't take the heat!

The next time you and your girlfriends get together to talk about your life's mishaps, make this fabulous cocktail! 

The Melting Face Stopper

1 can Fresca

2 shots vodka (or more if needed)

1 Tbls muddled strawberries

Ice

Fruit for garnishment

Chop up some fresh strawberries and mash them in a bowl (muddle them). Save a few slices for garnish. Next, shake the vodka, Fresca, and ice in a cocktail shaker. Add 1 tablespoon of muddled strawberries into your glass and pour in the mixture from your shaker. Add other fruits for garnishment if desired. Cheers!!

Sandy Miss-Adventures

By Tonia

“Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road, by trying the untried.” 
-  Frank Tyger 

As I’ve posted before, I love to go hiking in the Santa Fe area. It’s beautiful; there are a bazillion trails and the dry weather keeps me from sweating like a whore on nickel night.

So when my girlfriend from Tulsa came out to see me, we loaded up our dogs (Remington and Daisy) and headed out for trails along the Rio Grande. We had been informed that this trail system had some of the best hiking in the area. We were excited; and evidently Daisy was too because she kept trying to take over the driving.

We drove and drove – Daisy and I fighting for the steering wheel.  Pavement turned to gravel; gravel turned to dirt and dirt turned to sand. The sand was tricky but I’ve seen movies where cars drive through Arabian sand dunes so I was feeling pretty self-assured. But then …… suddenly ….. no movement. We couldn’t go forward; we couldn’t go backwards. We were high centered on a sand bar with the tires spinning as uselessly as I do in an exercise spin class.

We got out of the car and, with our bare hands, attempted to move sand around to the high centered wheels. Pretty clever, I thought – and figured we’d get the dogs to help dig. Uh, no. The dogs sat on their asses 5 feet away and watched us like we were on the big screen. I sarcastically offered them popcorn. One of them snickered.

When our clever attempts to get unstuck failed we tried to call Roadside Assistance. Only one of our phones had a hint of a bar so I stood on my tippy-toes on top of the car trying to make the call.

After six “Can you hear me now?”s, the person on the other line asked me if I was in a safe place.

“Uh, I guess so. These bushes don’t seem too menacing.”

“Do you ………” and the signal was gone.

I glanced down and my girlfriend was casually rolling the dog hair off her shirt with a lint brush. I looked at her. She quipped, “Hey, if we get rescued I don’t want dog hair all over on my ta-tas!”

A guy in a truck finally came by and offered to help. I'm sure it was because my friend is well endowed and the tata's were free of all traces of dog hair!  He tied a chain to my car and pulled us out backwards. But, not wanting to try to turn around on the narrow path and get stuck again, we just drove in reverse. That seems normal, right? That’s when a whole caravan of vehicles came down the road towards us. It was a large group of young hikers who had already finished their Rio Grande trek for the day. The first one stopped along the side of us and rolled down his window, “A Prius, huh?” They all laughed and waved as they drove by in their four wheel drive trucks and SUV's. Jackasses.

On the way home my girlfriend looked at her hands and said, “Dammit. I broke a nail.” I came home and drank vodka.

For your next girlfriends' get together I recommend a road trip ..... but in an SUV.

Blender Blazings

By Anna

My mother recently got into a Nutribullet craze. This woman already eats like a bird. Guess now she wants to liquify the nuts and yogurt she has for every meal. In her enthusiasm she wanted me to proselytize me into her new way of starving ..... and made me a smoothie. Earthy for sure, but I thought I could get into this! I could get all my vitamins and minerals - and give Taco Bueno a rest. 

So she bought me a Nutribullet. Have you seen these things? They obliterate food in less than 10 seconds. Scared the fucking shit out of me! Whole carrot = 3 seconds. Too bad you can’t put old boyfriends in there..... 

One of the ads says, “To get the most out of life you need to get the most out of your food.” I need to get the most out of what I'm tasting. Is that ginger, cucumber, pear?? Because now I’m craving sake .....

But I tried. I went to Whole Foods and blew $120 on fresh, organic, local veggies and fruits. I went home and threw carrot, basil and kale into my Nutribullet thinking this was going to be the best smoothie idea ever. Maybe it would’ve been easier had I read the directions cuz….. uh …..now I had salad dressing!! 

Then there was the cherry, blueberry, banana "oh shit slush." WTH. I really don't know how to work this obliterator/blender. Guess I need some advice on adding ice, yogurt, water. 

So I decided to read the directions. Some people actually do this before they use new contraptions. So tedious. So I skimmed through the book and read where it said to hold off on the alcohol. WHAT??? Dealbreaker! I wanted to use my Nutrabullet for a NutraBUZZit! Throw in those beautiful plump fruits and add that vodka! Back to infusions for me!

Thank you, Nutribullet; thank you, Mom! 

For your next girlfriends’ get together try this Nutribullet Piña Colada

Nutribullet Piña Colada

1/3 cup pineapple chunks 

1/2 cup vanilla almond milk

1/4 cup sweetened shredded coconut

1 teaspoon agave or stevia

1/4 cup rum

4 ice cubes

Throw everything into the NutriBullet and process until smooth (won’t take long – promise!). Serve in a chilled glass and garnish with a cherry garnish OR pour into a hollowed out pineapple.

Echoes in the Canyon

By Tonia

“Laughter is the best medicine …. except for treating diarrhea.” - Unknown

While summering in Santa Fe, NM, my new boyfriend came out to see me. On one of our hikes in the mountains I began to hear more than just nature - my stomach was sounding off. First as a gurgle; then as a growl; then as a brain-rattling, mountain-shaking bellow. I started to hate my own guts.

I knew it was going to be bad. I quickly looked around for a distant bush (as in, FAR away from the new boyfriend), but realized I had nothing to wipe with – except my socks - which were covered in cockleburs. (I’ve been a pain in the ass before, but wiping my anus with vicious spiny burs seemed a bit too masochistic – even for my kinky ways.) Those fuckers stick like Velcro. Oh, no. I would just hold it in until we got back to the guest house.

My face began to sweat. I’m sure the boyfriend thought it was from the physical exertion of the hike. But it was from my harder-than-a rock butt cheek squeeze restraining my descending intestinal pressure.

In the car I tried to distract myself. Music. Conversation. Lamaze breathing. Why had we chosen a trail so friggin’ far away?!

When we finally arrived at my lovely but SMALL guesthouse I burst through the door and raced to the toilet where I unleashed a tuba fart that shook the walls. This was followed by noises that no one should ever, EVER hear coming from another human being. I wanted to send the boyfriend on a walk down to the canyon behind the house but I was pretty sure the noises were echoing down there too. Watery feces and unspeakable flatulence was exploding out my ass with the force of a tidal wave.

Then I heard him outside the bathroom door.  

Boyfriend: “Are you OK?”

Me: “Yea, yea, I’m fine.”

<toot> <squirt> <splatter> <ungodly noise>

Boyfriend: “Are you sure you’re OK?”

My thoughts: “For the love of God, GO AWAY!”

Me: “Yes. I’m fine.”

I finally emerged from the bathroom. All that sexy lingerie that I brought … suddenly just seemed irrelevant. We had taken the relationship to a whole new level.

The only thing that I can think of to recommend for your next girlfriends' party from this awful story is an adorable First Aid martini shaker from RetroPlanet. Click HERE to get one! You never know when you may need one!