Echoes in the Canyon

By Tonia

“Laughter is the best medicine …. except for treating diarrhea.” - Unknown

While summering in Santa Fe, NM, my new boyfriend came out to see me. On one of our hikes in the mountains I began to hear more than just nature - my stomach was sounding off. First as a gurgle; then as a growl; then as a brain-rattling, mountain-shaking bellow. I started to hate my own guts.

I knew it was going to be bad. I quickly looked around for a distant bush (as in, FAR away from the new boyfriend), but realized I had nothing to wipe with – except my socks - which were covered in cockleburs. (I’ve been a pain in the ass before, but wiping my anus with vicious spiny burs seemed a bit too masochistic – even for my kinky ways.) Those fuckers stick like Velcro. Oh, no. I would just hold it in until we got back to the guest house.

My face began to sweat. I’m sure the boyfriend thought it was from the physical exertion of the hike. But it was from my harder-than-a rock butt cheek squeeze restraining my descending intestinal pressure.

In the car I tried to distract myself. Music. Conversation. Lamaze breathing. Why had we chosen a trail so friggin’ far away?!

When we finally arrived at my lovely but SMALL guesthouse I burst through the door and raced to the toilet where I unleashed a tuba fart that shook the walls. This was followed by noises that no one should ever, EVER hear coming from another human being. I wanted to send the boyfriend on a walk down to the canyon behind the house but I was pretty sure the noises were echoing down there too. Watery feces and unspeakable flatulence was exploding out my ass with the force of a tidal wave.

Then I heard him outside the bathroom door.  

Boyfriend: “Are you OK?”

Me: “Yea, yea, I’m fine.”

<toot> <squirt> <splatter> <ungodly noise>

Boyfriend: “Are you sure you’re OK?”

My thoughts: “For the love of God, GO AWAY!”

Me: “Yes. I’m fine.”

I finally emerged from the bathroom. All that sexy lingerie that I brought … suddenly just seemed irrelevant. We had taken the relationship to a whole new level.

The only thing that I can think of to recommend for your next girlfriends' party from this awful story is an adorable First Aid martini shaker from RetroPlanet. Click HERE to get one! You never know when you may need one!