The Never Ending Asphalt Hell Story

By Tonia

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit." -- Unknown

Over the holidays I drove to Ft Worth to spend time with the grandmunchkins. I was excited to see them, but the drive down is more tiresome than a texting fanatic date. It is a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing endurance test of Never-Ending-Asphalt-Hell.

Unlike the boring meetings at work, when I’m driving I can’t answer emails, update my dating profile or google naughty pictures. So, after flipping through every friggin' radio station, picking at all the skin blemishes I could locate, and finger combing my hair until sparks flew off the ends, I thought I should engage my mind in something. You know, something besides my typical pornographic thoughts. I could think of a story line for the next great American novel…….Nah.
I could revise my life goals…….Nah.

I could plan my will…....Nah.

I finally decided on thinking up pranks. Things like:

(1) Rigging my medicine cabinet so that marbles fell out if someone opened it during a party

(2) Scraping the icing out of Oreo cookies and replacing it with toothpaste

(3) Pouring water in my hand, pretending to sneeze and throwing the water on someone

(4) Super-gluing the lids on people’s plastic water bottles

(5) Taping a small piece of duct tape to the bottom of a faucet (it creates quite a spray when turned on)

So what do you think? Give me YOUR best pranks in the comments below!

And, for your next girlfriends’ get-together consider playing The Joys of….. game.

Directions:

Pass out one index card to each person. Ask everyone to title their cards by completing the phrase The Joy of….. using a current uncomfortable situation from their lives. (Examples: The Joys of Living with a Two Year Old; The Joys of Being Fifty and Single; The Joys of Working Retail, etc.) After writing their titles, have everyone number their cards 1-5 in a column on the left side of the index card (as if they were going to take a spelling test).

Then direct everyone to pass their cards to the person on their right. That person must fill in #1 with a humorous statement about the title. (Example: for The Joys of Living with a Two Year Old, someone could write, “I can add Temper Tantrum Tamer to my resume;” for The Joys of Being Fifty and Single, someone could write, “I now have a closer relationship with my vibrator,” etc.)

After everyone has written something on another person’s #1, instruct everyone to pass cards to the right again. The next person then writes a humorous statement on #2. Continue until 5 people have each added one humorous statement to 5 different cards. Then return the card to its owner. Encourage guests to post these at home when they need a distraction!

Stress Test - Not My Best Fest

By Tonia

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

I was recently scheduled for a cardiac stress test. Evidently raising 3 children wasn't enough of a cardiac stress test.

Making the appointment I was directed to refrain from eating anything for several hours prior to the test and to avoid caffeine that morning. This was already becoming stressful. I was also told to wear comfortable clothing and shoes but, when the morning of the stress test arrived, I couldn’t find my tennis shoes - guess they ran off. I grabbed a pair of flat boots and became more stressed. When I arrived at the clinic I was asked for a $250 co-payment. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t need the treadmill now for me to have a heart attack on the spot.

I moved to a room that must be part of the tiny home movement: a treadmill, a hospital bed, an EKG monitor, and an ultrasound machine all crammed into 100 square feet. Laying on the table the EKG/ultrasound tech cleaned and sandpapered my skin. Exfoliation at no extra charge? Cool. But I needed her to do my face - not my boobs.

Then she began putting stickers on all over my chest. I asked if I was getting stickers for being a good girl. Uh. Guess not.

She had me roll over onto my left side to do the pre-stress EKG and ultrasound. I once heard a hospice nurse say she could help patients “go” faster by rolling them over onto their left sides. Was this tech paying me back for my sticker comment??? EEEEEK! I haven’t finished my will! 

 

I survived the left side ordeal and was finally placed on the treadmill. It started out slowly and seemed pretty easy-peasy. Watching the nightly news was more stressful than this. Then it began to speed up. And speed up more. I haven’t run that fast since I sprinted to the toilet with diarrhea (see Echoes in the Canyon).

Heart attacks are the leading cause of death in U.S. women. So, as Valentines Day approaches and we focus on all things of the heart, get your girlfriends together and watch this funny video about women’s heart attacks (CLICK HERE). Learn about women’s unique heart attack symptoms (guess what – they’re different from men’s) – instead of chest pain, women feel fatigue, weakness, dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, and jaw pain; talk about ways to take better care of yourselves!