We're All Bag Ladies

by Tonia

“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.” – J.B. Morton

I’m having a crisis. I need a new purse. My old one has a shredded handle, holes in the pockets, ink stains and dried God-knows-what on the inside. And…..uh…..it smells. But I HATE to buy new purses!

I have a love-hate relationship with purses anyway. While they allow me be a mobile hoarder, they also conceal the very items that I need ASAP. Hours of desperate searching do not produce the needed item until it is no longer needed. And while there is something deeply satisfying about having that special guy ask sheepishly, “Would you put this in your purse?” I always worry about what might stick to his item.

There are women who change purses every day to match their outfits. Let me say - I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. I’ve attempted this but I only end up carrying 2 purses – my usual purse (with all my junk) – and the outfit-matching purse I am trying to transfer necessary items into all day long.

There are women who work 3 jobs to own designer purses. I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. To me, a purse is just a purse. But I googled “most expensive purse” and discovered that the Mouawad 1001 Nights Diamond Purse (18 karat gold with 4,500 diamonds) costs $3.8 million, earning it the honor of being in Guinness World Records for the most valuable handbag in the world. Motherf*^@*er! A purse like that needs to stay in a safe and not be carried in public!

 

I would rather have an obnoxious purse anyway. It embarrasses my fashionista daughters. I like the ones made out of car parts or discarded cigarette packages or coconuts or feathers. In fact, I’m currently deciding between the rubber chicken, the aardvark and the bloody knife. OR there’s always duct tape on the old one.

 

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a purse swap or a craft night where you make purses out of bras. Check out the directions HERE on wikihow.

Quik Trip for a Quick Shit

By Tonia

"Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning....."

In the midst of a huge turn-my-garage-into-an-apartment construction job AND a major roof repair from a recent tornado, my sewer line decided it was time to die. Yep. Croaked. Now my mind was on the literal gutter.

I’m told that nothing lasts forever – even sewer lines. Well, crap. No one tells you to ask the age of the sewer lines when you buy a home. Looked like mine were pre-historic.

Sooooo during the 5-day repair (the lines ended up being halfway to China), the toilet was out of commission. Peeing could easily be done in the bathtub but bowel movements needed an expedition to a public toilet somewhere nearby. No more walking into the bathroom and casually thinking, “I may as well poop while I’m in here.” No more Mexican food. No more granola!!

And let me just say – having to leave one’s home to shit makes one much more intestinally reflective. Do I really need to poop or is this just gas? Is this really exit time or are things just moving down in preparation? Is this something I can wait on or is this a rush job? “To poop or not to poop” – that became our question. If we waited too long there might be a line at the public restroom; if we left too soon we had to pretend to shop for awhile. Anna had an emergency one morning and ended up using a shower cap. TMI.

I personally made Quik Trip my place of intestinal relief. And, while I can attest to their clean restrooms, I did have a poop stand off with a woman in another stall. We were both waiting for the other to leave so we could go. I won. She had no idea who she was dealing with.

But the Day of Final Repair finally came. My yard looked like a war zone but I could flush. Such a glorious sound. Now to pay the bill…….

And for a girlfriends’ get together consider decorating your toilet like a real throne. Just for shits and giggles.

Give Me An O

By Tonia

 “No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor. ” – Betty Friedan

Have you heard about women having orgasms during childbirth or while breastfeeding? Yep. Odd, but sorta’ understandable. Weirder than those are the Big Os that some women get while having their hair cut (called Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response). I want to do a research project on these women; my hypothesis would be that none of them wear long hair. Think there's funding for this?

Another fascinating climax producer for some women is yawning (oh, geez, suddenly I’m feeling really sleepy….). But it seems that this phenomenon only happens for some women on the anti-depressant, Clomipramine. Maybe I'll visit a psychiatrist soon….

And some women have reported having orgasms while brushing their teeth. (Before or after flossing?) And still others have admitted they can cum if someone tickles their navels or if they exercise (if only!).

None of these is true for me but … well … uh … I may still fall into the OO (Odd Orgasm) group. As a child I discovered that I can have an orgasm if I run barefooted on something cold. Yep. Got busted on this a couple years ago when a girlfriend and I were in California and I jerked off (pun intended) my shoes and ran down the beach. When I returned she asked if I was OK as my face was flushed and she had heard me squeal. Well, no, not exactly. But there was this other tingling…..

So here are some facts about women’s orgasms. I can’t promise you orgasms while running on a cold surface but here’s to getting a better bang for your……well, bang:

     (1) Women’s orgasm intensity is related to orgasm frequency. In other words, the more often you cum, the better it feels. Now that’s a win-win proposition!

     (2) Women’s orgasms are stronger when there is a longer arousal build-up. (“Slow down there, Partner!”)

     (3) Women in committed relationships tend to climax more frequently than women who are just hooking up. We gotta’ feel it in lots of ways!

     (4) Women have more intense orgasms when their vaginal muscles are strong. Kegels are your friend.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get-together have a sex toy party, share best orgasm stories and serve Screaming Orgasm shooters. You're welcome.

SCREAMING ORGASM

1 oz. vodka

1.5 oz irish cream (Bailey’s)

.5 oz coffee liqueur (Kahlua)

*NOTE: Only use good quality vodka as cheaper brands may cause the Bailey's to curdle.