Holey Bones, Batman!

By Tonia

“The good news is that even as we get older, guys still like looking at our boobs. The bad news is, they have to squat down first.” - Maxine

Recently the doctor had a bone to pick with me – osteoporosis. Yup. Now the dog and I both have bone loss – his because he doesn’t bury them and mine because I lack estrogen.

Yea, went through that whole MEANoPAUSAL thing a few years ago. Told the family that the thermostat better damn well stay on 60 … or I would run around naked. Everyone unanimously agreed to pile on more clothing.

Used valet parking during that time because they didn’t forget where the car was parked. The forgetfulness did have an advantage, though. Helped me manage my work stress … by the time I got home, I forgot what had happened!

But no one told me about the hair loss! My head started looking like a dandelion gone to seed…

Thought my troubles were over when menopause was over. Ahhahahahaha. 

Here is my twist on the dr's recommendations for osteoporosis:

High calcium diet – Moving from dark chocolate to milk chocolate is important here. I now make candy from those caramel calcium chews … and can tell you how much calcium is in a Pina Colada.

Additional Vitamin D – So which is it? Stay out of the sun or get in the sun? Guess to avoid broken bones I’ll be looking like leather-face.

Weight bearing exercise — Does this mean I need to gain more weight? I thought the extra weight I gained during menopause was weight bearing enough. Already need the Jaws of Life to get me off the couch.

Quit smoking — I’ve never been a smoker but should I start so that I can quit? Just sayin.’

Avoid falls — Well, no shit. Like I’ve been trying to be a floor-diver all these years!

To embrace the changes and, at least celebrate getting rid of those ratty emergency tampons at the bottom of your purse, get a group of post menopausal girlfriends’ together and …

(1) Use panty liners as name tags

(2) Serve Pina Coladas or White Russians or other drinks with milk

(3) Play a game of Old Maid - but call her Cougar instead – and whoever ends up with her at the end of game wins.

(4) Create milk bath party favors. Mix together four cups of dry milk with two cups cornstarch and a 2/3 teaspoon of your favorite fragrant oil. Place one cup of the mixture inside six snack size ziplock bags. To make a cute label, take a piece of cardstock and fold it over in half. Staple it to the ziplock bag and trim the excess from the edges. Then create and print out a cute label for the bag and glue it on the piece of cardstock. Each bag has enough milk bath for two baths.

Viva la Vagina

By Tonia

“A vagina is a terrible thing to waste.” – author unknown

At one of our outdoor annual parties we designate a place called Vagina Valley. One of the things guests can do there is finger paint pictures of their vaginas and post them on the fence. One year a friend’s 82 year old grandmother was overheard saying to her 80 year old sister, “Let’s go paint our vaginas!” Her sister said, “Noooo… I don’t think so,” and the grandmother chirped back, “Oh, come on. When in our lives will we ever get another chance to paint our vaginas?” So off they went to paint.

Like Eve Endsler, from the famed Vagina Monologues, we think its time to say and embrace (both symbolically and literally) our vaginas. After all, vaginas are NOT black holes in space where things get sucked in and never come back out. Vaginas are magnificent places where we receive/give pleasure and give birth.

Yet vaginas continue to be the mumbled body part – a shameful and dirty place. Consider how we’re told to clean our natural secretions for the sake of “feminine hygiene.” We want to know: Where are the products for men? Where is the Masculine Hygiene aisle at the grocery store? Where are the Penis Deodorants? The Semen Towels? The Ball Wipes? The Jockey Shorts Liners? But I digress.....

We think women should celebrate their vaginas. Ancient women did. Catalan fishermen’s wives displayed their genitals to the water for good luck before their men left for sea. Women in southern India were said to have held back dangerous storms by exposing themselves. And, up until the 1900s, peasant women in several western countries exposed their vulvas to their crops, shouting, 'Please grow as high as my genitals are now.'

So here are some of our ideas for your Viva la Vagina Party:

Play vagina games

1. Toss the KY through the vagina
2. Pin the clitoris to the vulva

Hang posters for guests to sign using the following sentence starters:

1. If my vagina had a name, it would be...
2. If my vagina wore clothes, it would wear...
3. If my vagina gave advise it would say...

Create a Vagina Compliment Box where guests can write compliments to their vaginas. Read these later as part of the evening's entertainment - with or without names.

Viva la Vagina!

Bingo Bimbos

By Tonia

Question: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say a cuss word?

Answer: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO!"

Anna (youngest daughter blogger) and I decided to play Bingo Friday night. Don't ask why - we live in Oklahoma. I was worried there might be a minimum age requirement and we would be too young. Anna assured me I wouldn’t be too young. Little bitch. When we got to the counter the cashier asked, “Is this your first time?” I guess it must have been our dressed-person-in-a-nudist-colony look. “Yes, Virgin Bingo players.”

After emptying all the money from my purse and getting our Bingo packets, we felt our way through the billows of cigarette smoke (images of Hell's Cancer Corner) to the NO SMOKING section. We steered past one intense-looking woman who had a dabber in each hand, a 62 oz cup of coffee in front of her, and good luck charms stacked 3-deep. Playing for crack money, lady?  

We sat down and a guy approached us about buying MORE Bingo cards – like our admission fee wasn’t enough money to throw away. The ladies around us called him the “seller” but he seemed more like the “pusher” to me. Would have liked to have gotten popcorn or a hot dog from him, though. Or at least a dance.  :)

Fortunately we sat with ladies who took pity on us and showed us the ropes …. and the dabbers. OMG. Bingo should be an Olympic event. There are 9 cards for each game. And, in case you didn’t know, Bingo is no longer just 5 squares in a row. It’s kites and postage stamps and picture frames … and … and … Rembrandt paintings! Couldn’t keep up. Started to sweat. The numbers were going by so fast my brain shut down. Forgot what a G looked like. I needed to be on an IEP for special education Bingo. People were crying “Bingo” while I was searching for a number that had been called 5 minutes ago. Maybe the only Bingo number for me is O-69…..outside of the Bingo Hall.

But a girlfriends’ Bingo night would be fun. Create your own Bingo cards with naughty words or sex positions (see Kama Sutra) or excuses NOT to have sex (see my friend, Marilyn, for this - she's a pro!). Or celebrate your girlfriends with the Girlfriends’ Bingo Card that we have for you here. Give everyone a Bingo card and have them circulate around the room getting signatures on each square of the girlfriend that fits the description. BINGO!

Girlfriends' Bingo Card

Potty Training

By Rachel

"Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everyone making it to the potty." - Julia Roberts

My youngest child is finally potty trained. Can you hear the Hallelujah chorus? Except I’m still having flashbacks of the hours spent in the bathroom…. waiting…. and waiting…. and waiting…. reading books, playing games, counting the number of tiles on the bathroom floor. And having that recurrent nightmare - you've had it, right? – the one where you're locked in a endless hallway full of toilets, trying to potty train hoards of dirty-bottomed children before the goldfish crackers on mopeds take over the world. <shudder>

But back to my story. Our potty training not only ended in a diaperless bottom, it produced some other results as well: 

(1) When my son was successful in getting some kind of body matter into the toilet, we treated ourselves to M&Ms. He developed an addiction to sugar and I gained 10 pounds. 
(2) We read so many books on the commode that he now thinks the toilet is his book-reading chair. Climbs up on it when he wants to hear a story. 
(3) When things got boring in the bathroom, we played with toilet paper. I now have a new talent – toilet paper origami. Don't be jealous.

Yes, toilet paper origami. I can now make fans, sailboats, flower pots, all kinds of fascinating objects. I have become obsessed! I now fold toilet paper wherever I go – friends’ homes, park restrooms, mall restrooms, etc. My husband was going to arrange an intervention when I started folding our paper towels. I’ve cut back now but wanted to share with you my favorite fold so you can impress your girlfriends at your next girlfriends’ get-together. Or, better yet, host a toilet paper origami party!  

I had planned on including written instructions in this blog, but when I sent them to my mom to try, she ended up with her arms tangled in toilet paper (Said she thought it would work for bondage….ewwwww….trying to erase that image from my mind now). So, I’m including a You Tube link.  Oh yeah, the instructions are not in English so watch closely!

Toilet paper origami - pleated fold

No Con in this Contest

We want to hear about your FAVORITE girlfriends’ party. Give us the three (3) ingredients that  made it so much fun or special. To enter, simply write your ingredients in a comment to this contest announcement (below). Your comment will be your entry.

The prize is the hilarious must-have party game, Girlfriends’ Intuition. The starting date is NOW and the ending date is May 30th at midnight EST. One entry will be randomly selected from all of the entries. You may enter as many times as you wish but each entry must have unique content.

Prize notification will be by email so make sure that you are a Follower of the Estrofests blog. And please do not let our winning email announcement go to spam – we hate it there. Prize will then be mailed to the winner. Winner must respond to the email prize notification within 10 days or the prize will be awarded to another contestant – which would totally suck for you if you were the winner!

NOTE:

*You must be 18 years old to enter.

*You must be a Follower in order to enter so please sign up!

Birds of a Feather

Estrofests is thrilled to host our very first guest blogger. Lisa Thornbury is a kindred spirit and hilarious party blogger. Check her out at http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/party-mummy  

By Lisa Thornbury

Recently I attended a hen party to celebrate, well, nothing really - just a good excuse for the chicks to gather together. Generally girlfriends + alcohol + chips and dip = Foolproof  Girl’s Night In. However, to say this GNI was for the birds, is putting it mildly.

While the hostess excused herself to check on dinner, we girls entertained ourselves with the house pet, a chatty snow white cockatoo perched on a stand. I bravely coaxed the bird onto my shoulder and was feeling like one of those animal experts who frequent talk shows, until the little pecker...pecked me. I screamed, more from shock than pain and the bird took flight, flapping wildly over head. My red wine sloshed onto the cream colored ottoman as my hand flew to my cheek to assess the damage.

Some brave soul jumped up to grab the flailing bird, but only succeeded in knocking over an end table, while a not-so-brave soul sister dove headfirst into the couch and sought cover under a pile of cushions.  Who knew she’d been traumatized by a gaggle of aggressive geese as a child? Suddenly the music was playing at a deafening volume. One of the chicks had inadvertently perched upon the stereo remote. Was it a coincidence that Ce Lo’s “Fuck you” was playing? I think not. That bird was sending us a message loud and clear – he wanted us to go flock ourselves.

The pissed off bird then snuffed out a candle with his wing, leaving a column of black smoke behind as he bee-lined across the room.   After a dramatic display of flapping and squawking, he landed behind the couch. One of the girls took this opportunity to pounce. How could she have known the bird had just pooped on the floor? She slipped and came crashing down on the tile. Hard.

It was then the hostess returned from the kitchen to what she would later describe as “a scene akin to the apocalypse.”  A coil of smoke hung mid air above our friend who was now sobbing into a pillow. Music blared, shell shocked guests were scattered around the room, while one poor soldier was completely laid out on her back.  Meanwhile, the cocky cockatoo marched happily along the back of the couch, chatting away seemingly oblivious to evil plan he had just hatched.

Ironically, we had chicken for dinner.

Moral of the story?  Angry Birds belong on an iPhone, not a dinner party. If you ever find yourself needing to make amends for your pet’s beastly behavior, here’s the recipe for a Cockatoo Cosmo to help smooth your guests ruffled feathers.

Cockatoo Cosmo:

In a cocktail shaker, combine with ice:
2 oz citrus vodka
1 oz triple sec

1/2 oz fresh lime juice
2 oz pineapple juice

Shake well and pour into a martini glass. Garnish with a pineapple chunk and joy!

Lisa Thornbury is a soul sister with Estrofests. Having played bartender in a former life, Lisa absolutely knows her way around a cocktail shaker. Now with two kids in tow, she knows firsthand how harried moms forgo being a social butterfly to stay at home and cocoon. But she has learned that mummies still need to play. She continues to exercise her penchant for dreaming up playful, and practical party themes. She is known as the “Party Mummy” at the Yummy Mummy Club. We love you, Lisa!