Holey Bones, Batman!

By Tonia

“The good news is that even as we get older, guys still like looking at our boobs. The bad news is, they have to squat down first.” - Maxine

Recently the doctor had a bone to pick with me – osteoporosis. Yup. Now the dog and I both have bone loss – his because he doesn’t bury them and mine because I lack estrogen.

Yea, went through that whole MEANoPAUSAL thing a few years ago. Told the family that the thermostat better damn well stay on 60 … or I would run around naked. Everyone unanimously agreed to pile on more clothing.

Used valet parking during that time because they didn’t forget where the car was parked. The forgetfulness did have an advantage, though. Helped me manage my work stress … by the time I got home, I forgot what had happened!

But no one told me about the hair loss! My head started looking like a dandelion gone to seed…

Thought my troubles were over when menopause was over. Ahhahahahaha. 

Here is my twist on the dr's recommendations for osteoporosis:

High calcium diet – Moving from dark chocolate to milk chocolate is important here. I now make candy from those caramel calcium chews … and can tell you how much calcium is in a Pina Colada.

Additional Vitamin D – So which is it? Stay out of the sun or get in the sun? Guess to avoid broken bones I’ll be looking like leather-face.

Weight bearing exercise — Does this mean I need to gain more weight? I thought the extra weight I gained during menopause was weight bearing enough. Already need the Jaws of Life to get me off the couch.

Quit smoking — I’ve never been a smoker but should I start so that I can quit? Just sayin.’

Avoid falls — Well, no shit. Like I’ve been trying to be a floor-diver all these years!

To embrace the changes and, at least celebrate getting rid of those ratty emergency tampons at the bottom of your purse, get a group of post menopausal girlfriends’ together and …

(1) Use panty liners as name tags

(2) Serve Pina Coladas or White Russians or other drinks with milk

(3) Play a game of Old Maid - but call her Cougar instead – and whoever ends up with her at the end of game wins.

(4) Create milk bath party favors. Mix together four cups of dry milk with two cups cornstarch and a 2/3 teaspoon of your favorite fragrant oil. Place one cup of the mixture inside six snack size ziplock bags. To make a cute label, take a piece of cardstock and fold it over in half. Staple it to the ziplock bag and trim the excess from the edges. Then create and print out a cute label for the bag and glue it on the piece of cardstock. Each bag has enough milk bath for two baths.