Bingo Bimbos

By Tonia

Question: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say a cuss word?

Answer: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO!"

Anna (youngest daughter blogger) and I decided to play Bingo Friday night. Don't ask why - we live in Oklahoma. I was worried there might be a minimum age requirement and we would be too young. Anna assured me I wouldn’t be too young. Little bitch. When we got to the counter the cashier asked, “Is this your first time?” I guess it must have been our dressed-person-in-a-nudist-colony look. “Yes, Virgin Bingo players.”

After emptying all the money from my purse and getting our Bingo packets, we felt our way through the billows of cigarette smoke (images of Hell's Cancer Corner) to the NO SMOKING section. We steered past one intense-looking woman who had a dabber in each hand, a 62 oz cup of coffee in front of her, and good luck charms stacked 3-deep. Playing for crack money, lady?  

We sat down and a guy approached us about buying MORE Bingo cards – like our admission fee wasn’t enough money to throw away. The ladies around us called him the “seller” but he seemed more like the “pusher” to me. Would have liked to have gotten popcorn or a hot dog from him, though. Or at least a dance.  :)

Fortunately we sat with ladies who took pity on us and showed us the ropes …. and the dabbers. OMG. Bingo should be an Olympic event. There are 9 cards for each game. And, in case you didn’t know, Bingo is no longer just 5 squares in a row. It’s kites and postage stamps and picture frames … and … and … Rembrandt paintings! Couldn’t keep up. Started to sweat. The numbers were going by so fast my brain shut down. Forgot what a G looked like. I needed to be on an IEP for special education Bingo. People were crying “Bingo” while I was searching for a number that had been called 5 minutes ago. Maybe the only Bingo number for me is O-69…..outside of the Bingo Hall.

But a girlfriends’ Bingo night would be fun. Create your own Bingo cards with naughty words or sex positions (see Kama Sutra) or excuses NOT to have sex (see my friend, Marilyn, for this - she's a pro!). Or celebrate your girlfriends with the Girlfriends’ Bingo Card that we have for you here. Give everyone a Bingo card and have them circulate around the room getting signatures on each square of the girlfriend that fits the description. BINGO!

Girlfriends' Bingo Card