The Hampered Hamster

By Rachel

“My god! It’s a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!” – Colin Mochrie

We moved into a new house this summer. No one warned me about pet adjustment. The dog wouldn’t leave the friggin' area rug for the first two days – like it was some giant security blanket. We had to bring her food and water and put it ON the rug - AND had to CARRY her outside to do her business. For the love of God…

And then there was the hamster. It’s just a rodent, right? Well, this little rodent has a mind of her own.  Even under normal circumstances she doesn't like anyone messing with her nest. She stands on her hind legs and curses after I clean her cage (sounds like squeaking to the untrained ear). Like all of the animals in our house (and a few of the humans *ahem*) she is neurotic as hell.

So, when we moved, she turned escape artist. We found her on the stairs and in the game room - but always fairly quickly after her escape. One time, however, she was gone for two days. My daughter was devastated; cried for hours. I made an elaborate plan to buy a replacement hamster and pass it off as “Fluffy.” But, before I had to take a picture of Fluffy to all the pet stores in town, my husband found her!

She had started a new life for herself in the laundry room. She’d been stealing dog food from the dog dish and stockpiling it. Seems she had turned survivalist. I think I saw some camouflage and Lego weapons in her camp as well. We’ve now added an alarm system and a barbed wire fence to the hamster cage to prevent future escapes.  

And I gotta’ have a talk with the dog. Not sure if she let the hamster bully her out of her lunch – or if she was just too damn lazy to get up and do anything about it. I’m suddenly not feeling too safe with this “watch dog.”

But, in celebration of finding Fluffy, I made our favorite peanut butter cookies! These are simple to make and are always a big hit at parties! I know your girlfriends will love them!

Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 egg 

   

Mix all of the ingredients together in a bowl (or dog dish - whatever). Roll dough into 1 inch balls and use a fork to flatten them on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 6-8 minutes or until golden brown. Freeze some if you're into that stockpiling thing!

Tell us YOUR pet stories!

Fifty Shades of Ruined

by Tonia

 “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.” – Elmo Phillips

If you haven’t heard about Fifty Shades of Grey you’re obviously living in some kind of cave on the top of Mt. Everest. It sold 10 million copies in six weeks and has replaced the Gideon Bible on the bedside tables in one British hotel. Bet THAT’S an interesting devotional for unsuspecting guests!

Obviously I had to read it. I knew the blog would want my review. Oh, the sacrifices I make!

It’s a story about a wealthy businessman, Christian Grey, and his kinky sexual practices in BDSM (Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism) with the lovely Anatasia Steele who starts out as a virgin. Now, let me say that Anatasia struggles some with the role of a Submissive and, while she never states this, I could easily hear her say, “I don’t like being told what to do …… unless I’m naked.” Which sorta’ makes sense to me.

The book is poorly written and Anatasia’s conflict with her ‘inner goddess’ and ‘unconscious’ got on my nerves, but the sex scenes were hot and I needed my vibrator more than a couple times. I think Saturday Night Live did the best job showing the results of women's response to the book, though. Click here for their skit.

Earlier this year the New York Post reported a huge jump in rope sales in hardware stores - especially to women - after the release of Fifty Shades of Grey. Hmmmm. I guess after women asked clerks to show them the ropes, THEY showed the ropes to some happy partners!

Personally, now that I’ve read it, I’m ruined. If someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to, I can never again say, “Beats me.” When I watch CNN and hear about Wall Street – you know, stocks and bonds – I imagine brokers in various restraints. And a report about the House Whip has me seeing Representatives getting spanked (hey, maybe that would help politics!).

OMG, and if I walk into a pet store, I completely miss the dog food and only notice all the collars and leashes! And, I want to know, are “submissive wives” really just into kink?

And a new dilemma for me is my skin care regime. I now have to be concerned about the skin on my ass as well as the skin on my face. It exhausts me. Someone PLEASE give me a safeword to protect me from myself! Put it in the comments below.

And, for your next girlfriend’s get-together consider having a Food Porn Party and ask your girlfriends to bring their most decadent desserts! Here’s one of our decadent recipes:

Chocolate Raspberry Jello Shot

You'll need:

Mini candy cup mold

Ingredients:

1 cup vodka (plain, vanilla, Pinacle Whipped, etc.)

1 - 3 oz. box raspberry Jello

1 bag chocolate candy melts

1. Follow the instructions on the mini candy cup mold by using dark chocolate. Put them in the freezer for about 5 minutes to help them harden.

2. Bring one cup water to a boil and add jello. After powdered jello is dissolved, let it sit until just warm.

3. Add one cup vodka to liquid jello mix.

4. Remove your chocolate bowls from the freezer. Pour the jello mixture into the bowls

5. Refrigerate over night. Yummy!

“Kinky is when you use duck feathers in making love. Perverted is when you use the whole duck.” – Lewis Grizzard

Wrinkles, Waistlines, and Whiskers: Oh My!

by Tonia

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." - Kurt Vonnegut
  

I’m getting ready to go to ... *ahem* ... my 40 year high school reunion in a few weeks. They say that inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened. Yep, its true. Time may be a great healer, but it's a shitty beautician.

As a former hippie, I had hoped that going braless all those years would have pulled the wrinkles out of my face - but no such luck. I have sagging jowls…AND saggy boobs. I remember seeing some little wrinkles around my eyes at the 20 year reunion and thinking they were kinda’ cute. Now I’m buying shoes by the truckload so people will look at my feet instead of my face.

As for the weight gain, this is our 40 year class reunion - the Roman Numerals for 40 is XL. Aging and weight gain  seem to go together like a hand and glove - well, maybe a size twelve hand in a size two glove. Does anyone know where I can get a control-top turtleneck? But there ARE some benefits to the extra pounds. When my neighbors play music too loud, I dance naked in front of the window and they shut it off. Works like a charm. 

For the reunion, I’m thinking that due to our changing physiques and failing eyesight, we should wear sandwich boards instead of nametags. That would prevent me from having to put on my glasses every time I wanted to see the person's name who I'm talking to.  

So I guess I’m going to the reunion. I’ll put on my Spandex and slather on the dry skin lotion so I can drink legally with these former teenagers. Wish me luck!

And, in honor of “getting to know you again,” have a Girlfriend Bingo game at your next girlfriends’ get-together. Create a bingo card of secret characteristics or deeds of each girlfriend.  Make copies and pass the out with pens.  The goal is to find the girlfriends that match the description on the card and to write the names in the appropriate bingo card square.  If needed, a girlfriend can appear more than once on the card. BINGO!

(And be sure to post any suggestions that you have for me getting ready for the reunion!)

Puppy Porn

By Tonia

“I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees me peeing in his water bowl.” – Penny Ward Moser

I’ve recently entered a new level of madness - I adopted a puppy. In some ways puppies are better than children. You can put them on a leash; they don’t talk back; and neighbors don’t look at you with disdain when they pee on the front lawn.

BUT there are certain down sides. For example, despite all the money I have spent on puppy toys and treats ($1 is $7 in dog money), this puppy prefers toilet paper. At first he just grabbed the end and ran across the house. Now he can actually take the whole roll off the holder. Clever fellow. I’m thinking of renting him out to the next group of teenagers who are TPing the neighbor’s house.

And I want to know how the amount of food that comes out of one end of this puppy is so much larger than the amount that went in the other end. Honest to God, my new second job now is picking up puppy shit. And, while we’re on the topic of puppy potty behavior, why is it that puppies have to sniff every inch of the yard before deciding on just the right spot to pee? It’s not like world peace depends on this.

When I brought this Beagle-ish puppy home, several of my friends suggested names - Beast, Horndog, Hulk – but those were ruled out when the neighbor’s chihuahua chased him, tail tucked between his legs, back to our front door. Other ideas were Boozer, Fleabag, and, a very original one, Dog. I decided to keep the name the shelter gave him - Remington.

Puppy ownership is a lot of responsibility. One of the big sacrifices I’m having to make is being late to Happy Hour because I have to go home to let Remington out.

Puppy ownership is also exhausting. Cleaning up toilet paper and stepping over all the baby gates takes a lot of energy! No wonder I have no sex drive right now!

But I’ve learned some things from Remington that I think will help me with my love life IF my libido ever returns:

(1) Great kisses are wet and sloppy.

(2) A little biting can be satisfying.

(3) Putting my nose in a crotch is a good way to really get to know someone.

(4) Licking should be done freely and frequently.

(5) Doing a happy dance and wagging my whole body when I first see a loved one gets me warmed up.

(7) Pawing someone is both endearing AND irritating.

What does all this have to do with women’s parties? Hell if I know! But here is a good Salty Dog recipe:

Salty Dog

5 oz. grapefruit juice

1 1/2 oz vodka

1/4 tsp salt

Rim a highball glass with salt. Pour juice and vodka over ice cubes into the glass. Stir well and serve.