“I wonder what goes through his
mind when he sees me peeing in his water bowl.” – Penny Ward Moser
I’ve recently entered
a new level of madness - I adopted a puppy. In some ways puppies are better
than children. You can put them on a leash; they don’t talk back; and neighbors
don’t look at you with disdain when they pee on the front lawn.
BUT there are
certain down sides. For example, despite all the money I have spent on puppy
toys and treats ($1 is $7 in dog money), this puppy prefers toilet paper. At
first he just grabbed the end and ran across the house. Now he can actually
take the whole roll off the holder. Clever fellow. I’m thinking of renting him
out to the next group of teenagers who are TPing the neighbor’s house.
And I want to
know how the amount of food that comes out of one end of this puppy is so much
larger than the amount that went in the other end. Honest to God, my new second
job now is picking up puppy shit. And, while we’re on the topic of puppy potty
behavior, why is it that puppies have to sniff every inch of the yard before
deciding on just the right spot to pee? It’s not like world peace depends on this.
When I brought
this Beagle-ish puppy home, several of my friends suggested names - Beast,
Horndog, Hulk – but those were ruled out when the neighbor’s chihuahua chased
him, tail tucked between his legs, back to our front door. Other ideas were Boozer,
Fleabag, and, a very original one, Dog. I decided to keep the name the shelter gave
him - Remington.
Puppy
ownership is a lot of responsibility. One of the big sacrifices I’m having to
make is being late to Happy Hour because I have to go home to let Remington
out.
Puppy
ownership is also exhausting. Cleaning up toilet paper and stepping over all
the baby gates takes a lot of energy! No wonder I have no sex drive right now!
But I’ve
learned some things from Remington that I think will help me with my love life
IF my libido ever returns:
(1) Great
kisses are wet and sloppy.
(2) A little
biting can be satisfying.
(3) Putting my
nose in a crotch is a good way to really get to know someone.
(4) Licking
should be done freely and frequently.
(5) Doing a
happy dance and wagging my whole body when I first see a loved one gets me warmed up.
(7) Pawing
someone is both endearing AND irritating.
What does all
this have to do with women’s parties? Hell if I know! But here is a good Salty
Dog recipe:
5 oz. grapefruit juice
1 1/2 oz vodka
1/4 tsp salt
Rim a highball glass with salt. Pour juice and vodka over ice
cubes into the glass. Stir well and serve.
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