Pissed About Peeing

By Tonia

“I cough, therefore I pee….” – Pink Tomato

I recently had the flu while visiting Rachel and the grandmunchkins in Texas. I know. I know. Didn’t get the flu shot. My bad. So shoot me.

But it wasn’t just being sick that was miserable. Or being sick away from home. It was the damn coughing and peeing! Even after my last TP swipe, if I coughed, there was another squirt (and I don’t mean the sexy kind). After changing pants several times in a single hour, I stuffed toilet paper in my underwear to catch any other surprise urine deluges. Not sure what folks thought of the bulge in my crotch but, hey, it beat soggy britches!

If I felt a really long cough attack coming I’d race to sit on the toilet so I could hack away with complete abandon. Awwwwww …. no need to grab my crotch; no need turn my lower body into a pretzel. Just pee and cough to make my bladder gladder. Most of these emergency runs, however, didn’t include closing the bathroom door. No time! So let me take this opportunity to apologize to my son-in-law for all the times he walked down the hall and caught a glimpse of my bare ass. Yes, Gary, I’ll pay for your therapy. Hope the nightmares go away soon.

And, no, this post is not about golden showers (minds out of the gutter – er, toilet, please!). It’s about a fairly common problem in women (yet another thing men don’t have to deal with!) known as stress incontinence. Whoopi Goldberg calls it “the sprits” and has a funny video about it (click HERE ). Here is my commentary on non-invasive solutions for stress incontinence:

Kegel exercises: You know the ones – those pelvic floor exercises – the ones where you're supposed to stop urination midstream. Right. If I could DO that I wouldn’t be in this mess, would I?

Timed voiding: Record the times you urinate and/or leak. This lets you know your "patterns" so you can go to the bathroom at those times. Seriously? I’m going to plan my whole friggin’ life around my pee pee???

A pessary: This is a ring that a physician inserts into your vagina to put pressure on the urethra. Frankly, I can think of LOTS of other more interesting things that I would rather have inserted into my vagina!  

Injections: Bulking agents such as collagen can be injected into the lining of the urethra to increase its size and resist the flow of urine. Collagen? Did someone say collagen? Could the doctor do my face while he’s doing my crotch? I LOVE this remedy!

So, our suggestion for your next girlfriends’ get together is a Pissing Match! Divide your guests up into teams and, within a designated period of time, see which teams can come up with the greatest number of peeing expressions (i.e powdering my nose, going number one, etc). Great for baby showers and/or menopause celebrations!  

60 is NOT the New 30

by Tonia

“I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius.” - George Carlin

I’m going to be 59.5 in a few days. The IRS says that at 59.5 I can withdraw money from my IRAs without the 10% penalty. Big whoopty-do. All I can think about is that I’m going to be …. wait for it …. <gulp> 60 next summer. Since I’ve been 55 for several years it’s going to be a big jump from 55 to 60. Fortunately I’m in good company: Kim Basinger, Mary Steenburger, Cyndi Lauper, Oprah Winfrey, Christie Brinkley all have recently turned or are going to turn 60 this next year. They don’t look too bad. Of course, they have bigger budgets than I do for "getting some work done" but a little Botox is doable for me.

I’ve decided that by 60 years of age most of us have accumulated evidence of our longevity, as evidenced by:

(1) Either a bathing suit or a pair of shorts that should no longer be seen in public (Rachel and Anna remind me that I have BOTH)

(2) Enough styles of Spanx to cover any body part in crisis mode

(3) A cabinet full of unsuccessful creams, scrubs, lotions and ointments for wrinkles, dark puffy circles, and cellulite

(4) Another cabinet full of supplements for thinning hair, hormone replacement, and memory loss

(5) Broken capillaries from rigorous, over-the-top, bring-back-my-youth-NOW exfoliation

(6) Abundant gray hairs from all the toddler tantrums, adolescent arguments, and grown children’s bad decisions

(7) Voluminous tubs of Christmas decorations (which, by the way, procreate during summer months) 

(8) A Bucket List (although I’m starting to create am Anti-Bucket List - things I DON’T have to do before I die – i.e. video taping myself having sex and swimming the English Channel)

(9) Some kind of information / directions for after death (i.e. who the children’s REAL father is, who NOT to invite to the funeral, etc)

What kind of party is the Queen of Parties going to have for her 60^th birthday? Stay tuned. TBA. In the meanwhile, for your next girlfriends’ get together, serve martinis and create an ANTI-Bucket List – what I DON’T have to do before I die!

Harried Holidays

by Tonia

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Dave Barry, humor columnist 


It’s that time of year again - irritable crowds, ransacked stores, hopeless indecision and cash fatigue – aka the holidays. The time of year when we give and receive underwear, socks and gift cards. 

Currently I have 8-10 gift cards in my wallet from holidays past, each one with a balance of approximately $1.72. I try to keep them all just in case I want to purchase something from one of those stores and can actually REMEMBER to use it. But then there’s always the chance that I’ll remember to use it and realize I’ve misplaced it. Ugh. I guess the biggest gift is really to the retailers who make $8 billion per year from unused and unspent gift cards. Bastards!

And then there are always the other impractical gifts – stripper garden gnomes, toilet coffee cups, psycho shower curtains, you know the ones! Someone once gave me The History and Arts of the Dominatrix. Really? I’ll put that right next to my Kama Sutra Pop-up Book in the living room for the grandkids to look at.

I have a friend whose grandmother gave her a box of free hotel soaps and shampoos one year. That’s practical. Another friend said she received a rabbit’s foot from someone’s recently deceased rabbit (ligaments, bones and all). Uh, that’s … lucky?

And here’s one of my favorite stories in my friend’s own words:

When we were dating, my ex-husband bought me a hideous sweater for Christmas. Even though it was clearly the kind of sweater that caused people to be bullied, I decided to give it a mercy wearing. I wore it when one of his friends came to our house, because there was no friggin’ way I was wearing it in public. (I'm nice, but not stupid.) My ex-husband flicked his lighter out of habit and, as he was talking to his friend, he passed behind me and caught the back of my sweater on fire .... as in big flames WHOOSHING fire. Then he pounded my back hard enough to dislodge my esophagus to put it out. Did I mention he's my EX-husband?

So, if you can get with your girlfriends this holiday season, consider ditching the gifts and just dress up as obnoxious holiday characters and take obscene pictures. The pictures will be priceless….especially if held as ransom. Now tell us YOUR holiday gift stories!

Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past

by Tonia

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

The holidays are approaching. That’s the good news …. and that’s the bad news. All those fantasies of twinkling lights, carols playing softly on the radio, the smell of sweet delicacies baking in the oven …. are, well, at our house, fantasies. It’s just not the holidays if someone doesn’t get sick, have car trouble, forget their suitcase, ruin a meal or get into an argument.

I remember one Thanksgiving trying to make mashed potatoes, and the damn things wouldn’t cook. I boiled them for over 3 hours and they were still hard as fucking rocks. My sour-faced family threatened pizza delivery so I finally gave up and fixed Minute Rice.

Another year I set my cell phone down on the counter where the food was being prepared. It disappeared and I was pretty sure someone had stuffed it in the turkey as a prank. We ate very carefully as no one wanted a bite of AT&T.

And I can’t tell you the number of years I’ve obsessed about not having enough plates and silverwear – only to remember at the last minute that I didn’t have enough CHAIRS! Six dining room chairs, a rolling office chair, a vanity stool …  Damn! Not enough for twelve people! That’s when ass-resting creativity sets in and the step ladder and heavy suitcases come out.....

Then, of course, there was the year someone forgot to defrost the turkey. And the year we went out to eat for Thanksgiving and one of the grandkids threw up in her dinner plate. And the year two of the grown kids got into a fist fight in the front yard (one of them writes on this blog with me). Aw, the memories…..

This year I'm hoping to God I don't forget to buy something for Thanksgiving dinner. If I have to go back to the store within 48 hours of Thanksgiving my day's plans will have to be canceled because every GD person in the state (and all the surrounding areas) will be making their last minute dash to the store. And it doesn't matter if I only need one item. The 15 people in front of me will have full carts.

But I’m thankful. Thankful for family; thankful for girlfriends; thankful for a job and a house, a goofy dog and vodka. Just not always thankful for Thanksgiving. Now.......where’s my Pumpkin Shot?

PUMPKIN SHOT (makes 4-6 shots)

2 jiggers Bailey's Irish Cream

2 jiggers Vanilla Vodka

1/3 cup pumpkin puree

1/8 tsp ground cinnamon

1/8 tsp ground nutmeg

pinch ground cloves

1/4 cup crushed ginger snap cookies

1/4 cup coconut milk

Prep shot glasses by dipping the rim in coconut milk and then in the crushed ginger snaps. 

In a small bowl, mix the pumpkin puree, cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves. 

In a cocktail shaker filled with 3/4 of ice, pour in the Bailey's, Vodka and the pumpkin puree mixture.  Shake, shake, shake. Really. Shake it again. Make sure its not lumpy. Pour into the rimmed shot glasses. Cheers!

My Vagina's Not in Vogue

by Tonia

“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding” - Betty White

A friend of mine recently posted a link on my Facebook wall regarding a new bleaching product for vaginas. Later I heard about cosmetic coloring for vaginas - yes, pussy dye. So which is it? Am I supposed to bleach it or dye it? What do you think? Should I go lighter or darker?

 

And then I read that my va-jay-jay may be too floppy or too hairy. Really? How on earth do I decide what it should look like other than what it does look like? Hell, I can barely decide what outfit to wear each morning – much less what my va-jay-jay is “supposed” to look like.

But WAIT! There’s more! I’m also told that I need to clean my natural secretions for the sake of “feminine hygiene.” Why don’t men have these products? You know, Penis Deodorants and Ball Wipes? Frankly, I like to think of my vaginal secretions as my vagina drooling in happy anticipation of some tasty playtime.

I just can't buy that there are any bad vaginas – maybe misunderstood (and probably mishandled) - but not bad.

The friend that posted on my Facebook wall is male and wrote the following for Estrofests readers - in opposition to the way women are bombarded by the media about needing to "fix" themselves: 

Your vagina is beautiful.

Yes you heard me, it is perfect in every way.

There are ones that truly unfold like a Georgia O’Keefe painting, boldly, and beautifully expressing themselves.

And there are ones that unfold more slowly, with a kiss, a caress, and some warm affection.

Each vagina is unique, each special, and each wonderful.

Do not listen to the nonsense articles that somehow want to convince you otherwise. They are probably trying to feed into your self-doubts and fears, in order to sell you some product you don’t need, or convince you that you must somehow change, or that you are not worthy of some lofty goal you can only achieve by spending money on nonsense.

Embrace how your legs lead gently up to this very magical place. How your body points down to highlight, and bring attention to, its beauty. And realize how much pleasure it can provide you, and your lover. From the first glance, it is intriguing. A gentle brush with the fingertips brings both the vagina, and the fingers to life. Warmth, moisture, tingling excitement… a quickening of heartbeats, and heavy breathing. Hoping for more, yearning for more…. Magical, wonderful, sensuous…. To touch, to taste, to experience a piece of heaven…. Yes my dear, embrace all that is wonderful about your body, it is completely beautiful.

 

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, celebrate your vaginas. Come in unique vagina costumes, fingerpaint pictures of your vaginas, and read up on vagina folklore. In fact, take a look at our previous blog regarding vagina party ideas (CLICK HERE) and have a ball …. I mean, have a vagina!