Soccer Mom Probation

by Rachel

“The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does.” -  Phil Woosnam

 

Sitting outside in the blazing 300 degree Texas sun, make-up melting and sliding down my face like war paint, I’m hoping that my deodorant lasts at least an hour. Across the field I see moms having wet t-shirt contests in order to stay cool. Bitches. This is my Saturday morning ritual at 5 year old soccer.

I thought soccer would be a great way for my kids to get some exercise and learn teamwork. Turns out that I’ve joined some kind of insidious cult. Parents are on the sidelines screaming and running around like maniacs without medication. Note to screaming parents: your kids can’t hear you!

This past Saturday was our 3^rd soccer game of the fall season. It started out like most games: one kid crying because he didn’t want to play, one kid trying to catch butterflies, one kid dancing around holding himself because he had to pee, everyone clustered on top of the ball. But this game was to be different. The other team kept pushing and tripping our boys. Finally one of our parents yelled at the ref and jabbed her finger into his chest. Well, that didn’t go well … our team is now on probation …

They need to pass out Valium at these things…..

For your next girlfriends’ get together, when you absolutely need Valium (or chocolate!), make these delicious chocolate bars. Serve with vodka.

Healthy Chocolate Bars

½ cup peanut butter

¼ cup butter

1/3 cup honey

1.5 cup real oats (not instant)

2 tablespoons flax seed

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Melt the honey, peanut butter and butter in a pot over medium heat, stirring constantly. Remove from burner once melted. Pour in the oats, vanilla, flax seed, and chocolate chips. Stir until ingredients are combined. Pour into a well-greased 8X8 pan and put it in the fridge until the mixture cools. Cut and eat!

Doubling Your Money

By Tonia

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

I love to spend money. I’m not just self-indulgent about it; I also enjoy being generous with others. I’ve sort of lived under Oscar Wilde’s philosophy of  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” However, it recently dawned on me that I need to be saving more. I need to be saving for some upcoming expenses and for my approaching (I hope) retirement.

You see, I’ve not done well in the stock market. In fact, if I buy a particular stock, you should pay close attention because it will IMMEDIATELY go down and then YOU will be able to buy low. I’m actually thinking about buying a cemetery so people will quit dying.

But the good news about my retirement is that even though I’ve not saved enough money, I DO have 300,000 little packs of sugar, hot sauce and crackers stored away! That'll help. And I have some new money-saving strategies. I’ll share them with you:

   -- Instead of buying new shoes, simply spray paint the old ones a different color. People will THINK they’re new! But, when walking, be sure not to bend your feet or toes because the paint will crack.

   -- Eliminate all light bulbs. Not only will you save on having to purchase them, you’ll save on electricity. Simply use night vision glasses, which can be bought cheaply at any military hardware store.

   -- Empty your car of non-essential weight. The heavier your car is, the more gas you burn, so leave non-essential items at home, including relatives. In fact, try not to have kids. That’s a lot of weight in the car, not to mention what it costs to feed those little fuckers!

   -- Always wondered what you could do with that old dryer lint? Stuff it in the cracks of your windows and doors to reduce heating and cooling bills. If you have pets you can use their shedded hair for this as well.

   -- Reuse all wrapping paper and aluminum foil so that you never have to purchase them again! My own mother was my inspiration for this. I think she only used three rolls of foil her entire life.

   -- Separate that 2-ply toilet paper. You’ll get double your money that way. And, hey, if your hand gets a little wet while wiping, you’re going to wash them anyway.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, throw a S-T-R-E-T-C-H Your Dollar Party. Ask guests to bring their favorite low-cost dish (so YOU can eat free that night) and 10 of their best money-saving ideas to share with the group. Do a coupon swap and organize a babysitting co-op. But don’t scrimp on the alcohol. Must have fabulous spirits!

Give us some of your money-saving ideas in the comments below!

Letting Go

By Anna

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles.....by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.” - Mark Twain  

You know all those “Stay calm and _____” cards? Yea. Well, I can’t stay calm - I have a couple anxiety disorders. I'm barely into my thirties and already I'm an expert on all things that can go catastrophically wrong with the universe. I worry about my gray hairs; I worry about my wrinkles. I worry about my job, my money, my car, my health. Hell, I’ve even started worrying about my worry!

This self-abusive, awful-izing mindfuck must stop. That’s why I need to turn myself around (but NOT by doing the Hokey-Pokey). So, with the Serenity Prayer, I'm learning to let GO of shit I can't control! I wanna' get me some of that serenity, God dammit!

Here are some things I’ve accepted that I can’t control:

   - I can’t control the screaming children and crying babies in my bridal shop. 

   - I can’t control the fact that the gap between my car seat and my car door is a    
     magnet for bits of wrappers and tiny trash.
   - I can’t control my ass enhancer sliding up my back.

   - I can’t control the nipple hair that grows around my areola.

   - I can’t control that I sometimes pee when I sneeze.

   - I can’t control that fucking play, buffer, play, buffer, play, buffer thing that

     happens when I watch videos on the internet.

   - I can’t control the fact that Hobby Lobby starts selling Christmas shit in July.

   - I can’t control my urge to pee as soon as I get comfortable in bed.

   - I can’t control my friend’s accidental pocket dialing me while she is having

     sex.

 

So instead of spending hours hunting and pulling gray hairs, I’m going to schedule a damn hair appointment every month; and instead of sighing loudly and rolling my eyes at the kids-gone-wild in my store, I’m going to smile and thank God they aren't mine. 

And here’s a Frazzle Me Not cocktail recipe for your next girlfriends’ get together:

Frazzle Me Not 

Pour the following ingredients into 12 oz cup of ice

3 oz vodka 

1 oz orange juice 

1 oz pineapple juice 

2 oz cranberry juice 

Stir with straw 

Top with Fresca and garnish with fruit

Sip and, for God's sake, LET GO! 

Playing with Big Balls

by Tonia

“I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.” – K.A. Mitchell

I’m not really into sports. When people talk about a particular game, I always have to ask, “Is that the pointy ball, the big round one, or the one with dimples?” This major disinterest is probably because I’m very uncoordinated. In school I was the girl who made straight A’s – except for a B in PE – saved from a C due to the written test!

But the other night I had some kind of psychotic vision of athleticism. I approached Anna and my sister, “Wouldn’t it be hysterical to go bowling? We’ll have a BALL!” <Insert eye rolling and grunts> “Oh, SPARE me the groans,” I said. “Bowling is the perfect sport – lots of sitting, drinking and talking with only 10 seconds of exercise! And there’s even a machine that brings you the ball!” I think the drinking convinced them - that was right down their ALLEY. So off we went!

First of all, let me say, bowling shoes are NOT sexy! Who does the sizing for those things? Were Amazon women the designers of the bowling shoe? I had to take mine back 3 times to get a pair that fit. I thought I wore a 7½ shoe but I guess in bowling shoes I wear a child’s 4. The only good thing about the shoes was that they had Velcro instead of ties. After a few beers and jello shots I was glad not to have to figure out ties….

Next came the ball selection. As you can see from my pic, my mind immediately went the way of my ball – to the GUTTER. And, by the way, bowling balls are HEAVY! Geez. We ended up using kids’ balls because they were lighter - but then our fingers kept getting stuck in the holes. Trying to throw a ball with your fingers stuck in the holes is … well … stupid-looking. It looks more like you're trying to shake off the ball instead of throwing it.

The object of the game is to try to knock down those thing-a-ma-bobs at the end of the lane. And a STRIKE is good – not bad like in that game with bats and mitts. BUT … you’re not supposed to SPIKE the ball when you make a strike. Just sayin'.

In MY game the bowling pins seemed to be ON STRIKE because very few of them left their original upright positions. In fact, there were many turns where not a single one of those fuckers got laid by me … I mean, laid down for me.

Anyway, I think I’m going to give up bowling for sex. The balls are lighter and you don’t have to wear those ugly shoes ...

So, my idea for your next girlfriends’ get-together is to use a child’s bowling set and play Funky Bowling – bowling a different way for each frame:

- Right-handed

- Left-handed

- Both hands

- Facing backwards

- Blindfolded

- Standing on one foot

- Using a foot (kicking)

- Sitting down

- Between another team member’s legs

- After spinning around 3 times

And, for God's sakes, take pictures!!