Playing with Big Balls

by Tonia

“I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.” – K.A. Mitchell

I’m not really into sports. When people talk about a particular game, I always have to ask, “Is that the pointy ball, the big round one, or the one with dimples?” This major disinterest is probably because I’m very uncoordinated. In school I was the girl who made straight A’s – except for a B in PE – saved from a C due to the written test!

But the other night I had some kind of psychotic vision of athleticism. I approached Anna and my sister, “Wouldn’t it be hysterical to go bowling? We’ll have a BALL!” <Insert eye rolling and grunts> “Oh, SPARE me the groans,” I said. “Bowling is the perfect sport – lots of sitting, drinking and talking with only 10 seconds of exercise! And there’s even a machine that brings you the ball!” I think the drinking convinced them - that was right down their ALLEY. So off we went!

First of all, let me say, bowling shoes are NOT sexy! Who does the sizing for those things? Were Amazon women the designers of the bowling shoe? I had to take mine back 3 times to get a pair that fit. I thought I wore a 7½ shoe but I guess in bowling shoes I wear a child’s 4. The only good thing about the shoes was that they had Velcro instead of ties. After a few beers and jello shots I was glad not to have to figure out ties….

Next came the ball selection. As you can see from my pic, my mind immediately went the way of my ball – to the GUTTER. And, by the way, bowling balls are HEAVY! Geez. We ended up using kids’ balls because they were lighter - but then our fingers kept getting stuck in the holes. Trying to throw a ball with your fingers stuck in the holes is … well … stupid-looking. It looks more like you're trying to shake off the ball instead of throwing it.

The object of the game is to try to knock down those thing-a-ma-bobs at the end of the lane. And a STRIKE is good – not bad like in that game with bats and mitts. BUT … you’re not supposed to SPIKE the ball when you make a strike. Just sayin'.

In MY game the bowling pins seemed to be ON STRIKE because very few of them left their original upright positions. In fact, there were many turns where not a single one of those fuckers got laid by me … I mean, laid down for me.

Anyway, I think I’m going to give up bowling for sex. The balls are lighter and you don’t have to wear those ugly shoes ...

So, my idea for your next girlfriends’ get-together is to use a child’s bowling set and play Funky Bowling – bowling a different way for each frame:

- Right-handed

- Left-handed

- Both hands

- Facing backwards

- Blindfolded

- Standing on one foot

- Using a foot (kicking)

- Sitting down

- Between another team member’s legs

- After spinning around 3 times

And, for God's sakes, take pictures!!