Doubling Your Money

By Tonia

“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

I love to spend money. I’m not just self-indulgent about it; I also enjoy being generous with others. I’ve sort of lived under Oscar Wilde’s philosophy of  “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” However, it recently dawned on me that I need to be saving more. I need to be saving for some upcoming expenses and for my approaching (I hope) retirement.

You see, I’ve not done well in the stock market. In fact, if I buy a particular stock, you should pay close attention because it will IMMEDIATELY go down and then YOU will be able to buy low. I’m actually thinking about buying a cemetery so people will quit dying.

But the good news about my retirement is that even though I’ve not saved enough money, I DO have 300,000 little packs of sugar, hot sauce and crackers stored away! That'll help. And I have some new money-saving strategies. I’ll share them with you:

   -- Instead of buying new shoes, simply spray paint the old ones a different color. People will THINK they’re new! But, when walking, be sure not to bend your feet or toes because the paint will crack.

   -- Eliminate all light bulbs. Not only will you save on having to purchase them, you’ll save on electricity. Simply use night vision glasses, which can be bought cheaply at any military hardware store.

   -- Empty your car of non-essential weight. The heavier your car is, the more gas you burn, so leave non-essential items at home, including relatives. In fact, try not to have kids. That’s a lot of weight in the car, not to mention what it costs to feed those little fuckers!

   -- Always wondered what you could do with that old dryer lint? Stuff it in the cracks of your windows and doors to reduce heating and cooling bills. If you have pets you can use their shedded hair for this as well.

   -- Reuse all wrapping paper and aluminum foil so that you never have to purchase them again! My own mother was my inspiration for this. I think she only used three rolls of foil her entire life.

   -- Separate that 2-ply toilet paper. You’ll get double your money that way. And, hey, if your hand gets a little wet while wiping, you’re going to wash them anyway.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, throw a S-T-R-E-T-C-H Your Dollar Party. Ask guests to bring their favorite low-cost dish (so YOU can eat free that night) and 10 of their best money-saving ideas to share with the group. Do a coupon swap and organize a babysitting co-op. But don’t scrimp on the alcohol. Must have fabulous spirits!

Give us some of your money-saving ideas in the comments below!