Harried Holidays

by Tonia

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Dave Barry, humor columnist 


It’s that time of year again - irritable crowds, ransacked stores, hopeless indecision and cash fatigue – aka the holidays. The time of year when we give and receive underwear, socks and gift cards. 

Currently I have 8-10 gift cards in my wallet from holidays past, each one with a balance of approximately $1.72. I try to keep them all just in case I want to purchase something from one of those stores and can actually REMEMBER to use it. But then there’s always the chance that I’ll remember to use it and realize I’ve misplaced it. Ugh. I guess the biggest gift is really to the retailers who make $8 billion per year from unused and unspent gift cards. Bastards!

And then there are always the other impractical gifts – stripper garden gnomes, toilet coffee cups, psycho shower curtains, you know the ones! Someone once gave me The History and Arts of the Dominatrix. Really? I’ll put that right next to my Kama Sutra Pop-up Book in the living room for the grandkids to look at.

I have a friend whose grandmother gave her a box of free hotel soaps and shampoos one year. That’s practical. Another friend said she received a rabbit’s foot from someone’s recently deceased rabbit (ligaments, bones and all). Uh, that’s … lucky?

And here’s one of my favorite stories in my friend’s own words:

When we were dating, my ex-husband bought me a hideous sweater for Christmas. Even though it was clearly the kind of sweater that caused people to be bullied, I decided to give it a mercy wearing. I wore it when one of his friends came to our house, because there was no friggin’ way I was wearing it in public. (I'm nice, but not stupid.) My ex-husband flicked his lighter out of habit and, as he was talking to his friend, he passed behind me and caught the back of my sweater on fire .... as in big flames WHOOSHING fire. Then he pounded my back hard enough to dislodge my esophagus to put it out. Did I mention he's my EX-husband?

So, if you can get with your girlfriends this holiday season, consider ditching the gifts and just dress up as obnoxious holiday characters and take obscene pictures. The pictures will be priceless….especially if held as ransom. Now tell us YOUR holiday gift stories!

Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past

by Tonia

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

The holidays are approaching. That’s the good news …. and that’s the bad news. All those fantasies of twinkling lights, carols playing softly on the radio, the smell of sweet delicacies baking in the oven …. are, well, at our house, fantasies. It’s just not the holidays if someone doesn’t get sick, have car trouble, forget their suitcase, ruin a meal or get into an argument.

I remember one Thanksgiving trying to make mashed potatoes, and the damn things wouldn’t cook. I boiled them for over 3 hours and they were still hard as fucking rocks. My sour-faced family threatened pizza delivery so I finally gave up and fixed Minute Rice.

Another year I set my cell phone down on the counter where the food was being prepared. It disappeared and I was pretty sure someone had stuffed it in the turkey as a prank. We ate very carefully as no one wanted a bite of AT&T.

And I can’t tell you the number of years I’ve obsessed about not having enough plates and silverwear – only to remember at the last minute that I didn’t have enough CHAIRS! Six dining room chairs, a rolling office chair, a vanity stool …  Damn! Not enough for twelve people! That’s when ass-resting creativity sets in and the step ladder and heavy suitcases come out.....

Then, of course, there was the year someone forgot to defrost the turkey. And the year we went out to eat for Thanksgiving and one of the grandkids threw up in her dinner plate. And the year two of the grown kids got into a fist fight in the front yard (one of them writes on this blog with me). Aw, the memories…..

This year I'm hoping to God I don't forget to buy something for Thanksgiving dinner. If I have to go back to the store within 48 hours of Thanksgiving my day's plans will have to be canceled because every GD person in the state (and all the surrounding areas) will be making their last minute dash to the store. And it doesn't matter if I only need one item. The 15 people in front of me will have full carts.

But I’m thankful. Thankful for family; thankful for girlfriends; thankful for a job and a house, a goofy dog and vodka. Just not always thankful for Thanksgiving. Now.......where’s my Pumpkin Shot?

PUMPKIN SHOT (makes 4-6 shots)

2 jiggers Bailey's Irish Cream

2 jiggers Vanilla Vodka

1/3 cup pumpkin puree

1/8 tsp ground cinnamon

1/8 tsp ground nutmeg

pinch ground cloves

1/4 cup crushed ginger snap cookies

1/4 cup coconut milk

Prep shot glasses by dipping the rim in coconut milk and then in the crushed ginger snaps. 

In a small bowl, mix the pumpkin puree, cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves. 

In a cocktail shaker filled with 3/4 of ice, pour in the Bailey's, Vodka and the pumpkin puree mixture.  Shake, shake, shake. Really. Shake it again. Make sure its not lumpy. Pour into the rimmed shot glasses. Cheers!

My Vagina's Not in Vogue

by Tonia

“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding” - Betty White

A friend of mine recently posted a link on my Facebook wall regarding a new bleaching product for vaginas. Later I heard about cosmetic coloring for vaginas - yes, pussy dye. So which is it? Am I supposed to bleach it or dye it? What do you think? Should I go lighter or darker?

 

And then I read that my va-jay-jay may be too floppy or too hairy. Really? How on earth do I decide what it should look like other than what it does look like? Hell, I can barely decide what outfit to wear each morning – much less what my va-jay-jay is “supposed” to look like.

But WAIT! There’s more! I’m also told that I need to clean my natural secretions for the sake of “feminine hygiene.” Why don’t men have these products? You know, Penis Deodorants and Ball Wipes? Frankly, I like to think of my vaginal secretions as my vagina drooling in happy anticipation of some tasty playtime.

I just can't buy that there are any bad vaginas – maybe misunderstood (and probably mishandled) - but not bad.

The friend that posted on my Facebook wall is male and wrote the following for Estrofests readers - in opposition to the way women are bombarded by the media about needing to "fix" themselves: 

Your vagina is beautiful.

Yes you heard me, it is perfect in every way.

There are ones that truly unfold like a Georgia O’Keefe painting, boldly, and beautifully expressing themselves.

And there are ones that unfold more slowly, with a kiss, a caress, and some warm affection.

Each vagina is unique, each special, and each wonderful.

Do not listen to the nonsense articles that somehow want to convince you otherwise. They are probably trying to feed into your self-doubts and fears, in order to sell you some product you don’t need, or convince you that you must somehow change, or that you are not worthy of some lofty goal you can only achieve by spending money on nonsense.

Embrace how your legs lead gently up to this very magical place. How your body points down to highlight, and bring attention to, its beauty. And realize how much pleasure it can provide you, and your lover. From the first glance, it is intriguing. A gentle brush with the fingertips brings both the vagina, and the fingers to life. Warmth, moisture, tingling excitement… a quickening of heartbeats, and heavy breathing. Hoping for more, yearning for more…. Magical, wonderful, sensuous…. To touch, to taste, to experience a piece of heaven…. Yes my dear, embrace all that is wonderful about your body, it is completely beautiful.

 

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, celebrate your vaginas. Come in unique vagina costumes, fingerpaint pictures of your vaginas, and read up on vagina folklore. In fact, take a look at our previous blog regarding vagina party ideas (CLICK HERE) and have a ball …. I mean, have a vagina!

Pantyhose, Tights, Leggings, Oh My!

by Anna

"If loving fashion is a crime, we plead guilty." - Unknown

My mother recently asked me how to wear tights, leggings and pantyhose. Thank God she asked before she left the house. This is a woman who thinks crocks and fannypacks are cute. Have I told you about her fashion debacles? Days after I FINALLY got her to ditch the Mom jeans, she came out with a short silk scarf tied around her neck. Hello 1960s flight attendant! Didn't realize Southwest Airlines was hiring in her age bracket.

Then there was the time we went skiing and she came down to breakfast in my sister’s middle school sweater from 20 years ago. Where does she keep this crap? Rachel and I moved to another table.

And then there were all the Christmas outfits. Not just sweaters. Not just earrings. Whole god damn outfits. Sweaters, skirts, shoes, socks, jewelry ….. all at the same time! She was festooned like a fucking Christmas tree. We just needed to wrap her in lights. Actually, I think there WERE some blinking sweaters!

My own fashion faux-pas happened in my fashion naïve years when I <shudder the thought> wore socks with sandals. While I still see this from time to time, seriously folks, this was only in style when the Romans were doing it.

So, to help my mom avoid more disasters, here is my tights/leggings/pantyhose advice (are you reading this, MOM??)

Pantyhose - Girl Friday

Works well with a skirt suit. They can also be worn with above-the-knee pencil skirts & dresses with knee high boots. I think they're perfect for a more finished leg look...

Tights - Club Girl

Worn under dresses, skirts or pants. Do not confuse these with leggings. Sheer tights for more formal occasions while opaque, brightly-colored and patterned tights are obviously more casual. You can wear footless tights with an open toe style shoe. Always buy high quality tights; they last longer. Reinforce the toes and freeze them to get longer wear out of them.

Leggings - Gypsy Girl

Pair leggings with a skirt or dress during colder months. You can also wear long tops with leggings. But remember to always cover the camel toe and try not to show too much ass. Be careful about printed leggings. These can make your legs appear larger and/or shorter. I personally have to avoid them. Experiment with different lengths – at the knee, at the ankle or anywhere in between. Ankle boots totally work with leggings, as well as ballerina flats, pumps and wedges.

Be confident. Confidence is the best accessory to any style. But, when in doubt about a style, text a girlfriend. And, if you're my mom, don't leave the house until I see a pic of what you have on!

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider having everyone bring at least one outfit with various accessaries in order to get feedback from the group about what might look best with the outfit. And, for the holidays, try this fabulous Pumpkin Pie Martini at the Martini Diva's website: click HERE.