Holiday Conversations with the Dog

by Tonia

Even though my sister lives with me, she and I have very different work schedules so Remington (aka the Dog) and I spend a lot of time alone together. We have frequent discussions and he often tries to give me advice. He's told me to invest my money in tennis balls; he's given me his critique of the various toilet water at friends' houses; he's even tried to tell me who to date based on their smell. He's mostly right - although I've not confirmed the toilet water thing. Recently we've had several conversations about the holidays.

After the tree was up and decorated…..

Remington: “You bought a tree for me?!! Thank you soooo much! You know how I hate going outside in the cold!”

Me: “Oh, no, no, no, no! This tree is not for peeing.”

Remington: “What kind of worthless tree is THAT?”

Me: “A Christmas tree.”

Remington, wagging his tail near the Christmas tree….

Me: “Don’t wag your tail so close to the tree!”

Remington: “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

Me: “Of course I want you to be happy. I just don’t want you to be happy around the tree.”

Remington: “I can’t believe my own maid is trying to sabotage my happiness.”

Me: “I’m NOT your maid!”

Remington: “I hope to God you’re not going to put those ridiculous reindeer antlers on me again this year.”
Me: “But you look so CUTE in them! And I LOVE to dress you up!”

Remington: “I oughta’ dress YOU up! Maybe I’ll dress you up as a street walker…..oh, wait, that would be your everyday attire.”

Remington: “I think that Christmas is scarier than Halloween.”

Me: “Really? Why?”

Remington: “Because of that fat white guy that stalks us in the front yard and that fat red guy who tries to break in the house through the chimney.”

Me: “That’s Snowman and Santa Claus, goofy!”

Remington: "Maybe Snowman is cool, but I can feel Santa’s presents when he’s in the chimney."  

Me: <groan>

Remington: “Why are you putting up mistletoe? Don’t I greet you with enough kisses?”

Me: “Yes, but I may want to snatch a few human kisses.”
Remington: “It’s so disgusting how you humans suck on each others’ mouths!”

Me: “HEY! We’re not the ones who sniff butts to introduce ourselves!”

Remington: “You need to butt out of that! Get it!? Get it!? God, I sleigh myself…..”

You may not have a talking dog (maybe I forgot to take my medication.....), but you'll  definitely be talking up a storm with your girlfriends this Holiday season after you try the Tipsy Bartender's THE NAUGHTY CANDY CANE. It's YUMMY! Check it out HERE.

THE NAUGHTY CANDY CANE

Peppermint Schnapps
Creme de Cacao
Cream
Grenadine
7up
Candy Cane

The Mammering Mammogram

by Tonia

"I love my annual mammogram. If I'm drinking, it's like Mardi Gras without the beads!" - Someecard

OK, true confession: I haven’t had a mammogram in 5 years. Bad, bad Tonia. Time flies, ya know? So my doctor threatened if I didn’t get a mammogram she’d discontinue my estrogen prescription. It was like a terrorist threat! No estrogen = vaginal atrophy = painful intercourse = TERROR! Isn’t terrorizing a patient disallowed in the Hippocratic Oath? Geez.

So I made the *^#* appointment. I arrived early and, after filling out paperwork with my entire life story (yawn), I waited for an hour distracting myself with Rash and Hives Quarterly and Boring Health Now. When I FINALLY got called back the technician handed me a cropped-top hospital gown and told me to strip from the waist up. I’m no fashionista but that gown was a major wardrobe malfunction. Anna would NOT be pleased. 

After donning the Gown of Shame, I followed the tech into the Chamber of Torture, hoping for a safe word. But I was pleasantly surprised that the titty-squashing device had a little pink cushion on it! My ta-tas were like special princesses sitting on a little pink cushioned throne – Princess Lefty and Princess Righty. But all my titty royalty fantasies came to an abrupt end as the tech started her boob wrestling.  Getting the little princesses positioned correctly turned out to be a wrestling match. My hooters hadn’t had that kind of maneuvering since jr. high when I used to stuff toilet paper around them to fill out the bra!

After the whole thing was over I asked if there would be any professional retouching of the photos (I wanted to make sure that the princesses look good). But I guess that’s not allowed in medical settings….

So, like a good glass of orange juice, my boobs have now been freshly squeezed and feel quite kneaded. 

For one of your next girlfriends’ get-togethers, have a Booby Squashing Event. Plan all of your mammograms at the same time and go as a group. It’ll make that hour wait go by WAY faster! Afterwards head off to a bar and order a Boob Grabber! If the bartender hasn’t had a recent mammogram, give him the recipe:

Boob Grabber

½ oz. Irish Cream

½ oz. Scotch

Whipped Cream

Mix together with crushed ice, pour into a shot glass and then dot with a tiny blob of whipped cream (for the nipple).

Vibrant, Vivacious Vaginas!

by Tonia

“If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina’s mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I’d be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot.” ― Jenny Lawson

I recently read some facts about vaginas. And, since most of you dear readers (the three or four of you) also have vaginas, I thought I should pass on the information. 

(1) Vaginas sweat - this is normal and quite necessary. It protects those precious areas from rubbing against each other and overheating. Don’t need that pussy catching on fire, right? Wait!…..if that happens, do firemen come put it out? Hmmmm….need to rethink this one.

(2) The average vagina is 3-4 inches long but it can expand up to approximately 8 inches. In fact, in 2011, a woman was charged with heroin possession after 54 bags of the stuff were found inside her vagina. Holy crap! That’s more baggage space than a Mazda Miata! I'm reconsidering my need to purchase carry-on luggage. You know, because of the airline bag fees.....

(3) Some women develop allergies to the proteins in semen. It’s known as human seminal plasma protein hypersensitivity. Research shows that certain women are allergic to certain men but not to others. We need research to tell us that? Any woman with an ex-boyfriend can tell you all about it!

(4) Vaginas can fall out of your body (called vaginal prolapse). If the muscles and ligaments around the vagina weaken or deteriorate enough it can cause the vagina to fall right out. Holy shit, that’s scary! It’s like your vagina is trying to run away from home. Come back! Come back!

(5) Vaginas secrete Squalene, a substance used in skin moisturizers and is believed to protect against cancer. I need to tell my boyfriend that he’ll benefit from going down on me more - he’ll be younger looking and live longer! I’m a giver that way.

(6) The average pH level (acid/base balance) of a vagina is about 4. Wine and beer have the same pH level as vaginas. Just think of your va-jay-jay as intoxicating! MORE reasons to send the boy/girlfriend south!

(7) Even though clitorises are way smaller than penises, they have twice as many nerve endings. In other words, they have a lot of nerve being a bundle of nerves! And while some men need Map Quest to find a clitoris, its well worth the discovery!

So, if you're daring and a little bit bawdy (and naughty), have a Celebrate Your Vagina party with your favorite girlfriends. Here are some ideas but be sure to comment below if you have additional ones!

---- Set out a Compliment Your Vagina box 

---- Get finger paints and finger painting paper and have everyone paint a picture of their vaginas

---- Create a display of different cultures' myths about the power of the vagina
---- Serve cupcakes decorated with frosting vaginas (for more ideas visit the Vagina Cupcake Facebook page HERE.)

Getting My Rocks Off

By Tonia

Always up for adventure (or any kind of escapade), I’ve recently decided to turn my garage into a small apartment (more blogs to follow on THIS project, I’m sure). My first step was to put in a ditch drain outside of the garage which meant getting my son to break up some concrete……which meant a huge pile of broken pieces of cement in my driveway……which meant figuring out how to get rid of said pieces of cement. Suddenly I realized I was between a rock and a hard place – or had rocks in my head – not sure which.

 

So I gave two former lovers a jingle and waa-laa…..strapping young bucks (well, middle aged geezers) toiling away at my will. Such a fantasy! I began to imagine a riding crop in my hand - Cleopatra and her slaves. And after their back-breaking work, they could fan me with giant palm leaves and feed me grapes while wearing skimpy little loin cloths.

But then reality took hold. I begged them to help me with promises of homemade granola, pizza and beer. A trashy move? Probably. But we were going to the dump – it seemed appropriate.

So, as we (yes, I helped!) were loading up the boulders, one of my “workers” suggested I needed work gloves. WORK GLOVES? What kind self-respecting diva has work gloves in her wardrobe? But, after two finger injuries, I went inside to search. I came out sporting some black wool, faux fur animal print cuffed gloves which brought snarky comments about my Green Acres Eva Gabor/Lisa Douglas look. When I protested, they just pointed to my high heeled boots. Smart asses.

But my favorite part of this adventure was going to the landfill/dump. I got to toss large chunks of concrete out of the back of a pickup amidst smells of dead opossums, used toilets and decaying rubbish. And I looked SMASHING doing it!

So, while this wasn’t a girlfriend adventure, it WAS a journey of friendship. Two former lovers - no longer in my bed - but forever cemented in my heart for their generosity and hard work on my behalf. Thanks, guys!

So the next time you have to call up some old….oops….I mean, EX-boyfriends to do some heavy lifting, serve up an Estrofests original, “The Dregs.” It’s a rock bottom kind of drink made from that last little bit of liquor in the bottle mixed with that last little bit of liquor from the other bottles. Think of it as an environmentally friendly drink since it uses liquor that would otherwise be tossed. Keeping  liquor in the tummy and out of the landfill.....it stinks there, take my word for it.