Urine Trouble Now

by Tonia

“Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order.” – David Gerrold

Recently I had blood in my urine for no good reason. I’m not sure what a GOOD reason would be but I didn’t have one. So I trotted off to the doctor to see why my bladder was having a period. I suggested a diagnosis of Mistaken Identity Disorder (bladder thinking it was a uterus) but the dr. was not amused. She seemed concerned. Not. Good. She suggested that I have several expensive tests to make sure that I didn’t have bladder cancer. CANCER???? WTF??? Now my bladder was really pissing me off.

 

I’ve always had a Theatre Bladder – you know, a tiny tank that is over active during movies. (It’s about ¼ the size of a standard bladder.) And I’ve had my fair share of Fires in the Hole (aka UTIs). But BLADDER CANCER? Geez. So I left the doctor’s office and did what most typical Americans do – I googled “bladder cancer” and immediately became a medical expert.

Except that my medical expertise immediately turned into “Holy shit, I’m going to be a chemo therapy skeleton and then I’m going to die.” I began looking at wigs, planning my memorial service, writing my obituary…..things that I felt were more pressing than washing my dishes, taking a shower and walking my dog. My girlfriend suggested I was overreacting. Uh. Maybe.

So I went for tests. Blood tests, CT scans..…and, my favorite, the cystoscopy - where a tube is inserted into the urethra and the dr. peeks at the inside of the bladder. You can imagine the fun. I kept wanting to say, “Wrong hole! Wrong hole!” but, this wasn’t sex. No foreplay. Afterwards, for pain relief, I was supposed to hold a warm, damp washcloth over my urethral opening. I decided not to go back to work. I didn't think my colleagues would want to watch me hold my crotch.

As it turned out, I was cancer free. And it was a good thing because after all those co-payments, I didn’t have enough money to buy a decent wig.

For your next girlfriends' get-together, consider inviting over your besties and distributing bladder health tips while watching these adorable Vulva Puppets sing the Do the Kegel song. (Click HERE) It'll be good for ALL of you!