May 30, 2014

Jalapen-oh-oh-oh!

Posted by Tonia at Friday, May 30, 2014
Estrofests is thrilled to host guest blogger, Angela Barbee. Angela is a remarkable social worker who works to keep children safe. Through it all she maintains a quirky sense of humor that fits perfectly with Estrofests' irreverent view of things. 

By Angela Barbee

I recently attended a party where the hostess made a delicious cranberry and jalapeno dip.  When it hit my tongue, I was initially confused by the sweet and tart, and then BAM! the jalapeno kicked in, resulting in an instant food orgasm.  I was determined to recreate the lascivious dip for a family dinner the next day. I wanted to impress the relatives – the people who are all too well aware of my cooking disabilities.

I found a seemingly doable recipe on Pinterest for a similar dip and excitedly began creating.  It was then that I got a call from a girlfriend. Now, there are two things that are universal to women concerning girlfriends and phone calls – (1) a lack of brevity and (2) a lack of dignity when the ol’ bladder demands relief.  So my conversation continued in the bathroom while I sprinkled my tinkle and wiped. Just before I got up I felt a weird feeling. Thinking a piece of toilet paper had taken residence on my vagina, I reached down and ….. scratched. That weird feeling then turned into a “Hummmm, this is NOT toilet paper and is starting to feel uncomfortable.” So I scratched some more. OK, now it was starting to burn. Scratched again. Then suddenly, oh sweet mother of God, my vagina was on fire!! Holy crap, jalapeno juice in my lady parts!

My friend, who was still on the phone, told me to grab baking soda, and proceeded to tell me, in Nerd Speak, how baking soda will neutralize….blah blah blah.  My vagina was about to start a forest fire - I did not need a science lesson! Thankfully I had a box of baking soda in the bathroom from another botched Pinterest project. I shook the box of baking soda on the inferno that was my vajayjay until my bathroom looked like an exploded crack house. My “friend” was hysterically cackling like a hen, while I was two seconds from doing the cooch scoot across the bathroom floor. Her next brilliant idea was to apply milk to the area, as she offered up another science lesson. I screamed to my family for milk as I abruptly ended my conversation. I jumped into the shower and poured a half gallon of ice cold 2% Borden between my legs. I thought, “Hell must feel better than this!”

After frantically tearing through the bathroom cabinets, I finally found little packets of oatmeal bath that claimed to “moisturize and sooth itchy, painful or irritated skin.” I dumped multiple packets in the tub, which foamed with the baking soda, water, milk and oatmeal. My inferno began to simmer to a smoldering blaze. After sitting in a 350 degree tub for 40 minutes, all I needed was flour and an egg and I could have had a CAKE to take to dinner.

Yes, I took the dip with me the next day and proclaimed it the BVD – the Burning Vagina Dip.  For some reason nobody would give it a try. Pussies.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together try a Flaming Hot Pussy and order takeout while you share your cooking disasters.

Flaming Hot Pussy

½ shot 151 proof rum

½ shot cinnamon schnapps

Pour into shot glass and light on fire.  Suck down with a straw.



Angie Barbee is a mother of 3 teen and pre-teen girls and recent graduate of OU School of Social Work.  Angie’s other failed Pinterest projects include sewing and gardening.


3 comments:

pam on May 30, 2014 at 9:29 PM said...

I'm sorry but this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhh my side hurts from laughing.
A kindred spirit - only mine was Ben Gay.

Teri said...

Only you, Ang, could do this with such class!! Love you!

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