Bitch-Fest

By Tonia

“I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.” – Lily Tomlin

Confession: I’m an optimist. I can find the silver lining in just about anything. Example: recently a dog tried to rip my face off and I ended up under the plastic surgeon’s needle for two hours. A normal woman would have flipped out. It was my FACE, for God’s sake. I, however, in some kind of psychotic sanguinity was grateful that it was not worse and that I had found a good plastic surgeon. But, I’m telling you, this is not normal. Friends and family tell me that this is NOT normal.

Whining, bitching, moaning, complaining. That is normal. So I decided to try to get in touch with my inner bitch.

But then I realized - who wants to bitch all by herself? Bitching is a team sport. It needs to be shared. If I complain to my girlfriends about someone’s (to remain anonymous) irritating habit of pointing to his wrist when he wants to leave, they say, “Oh my God, yes, I hate that! I mean seriously, do people point to their crotches when they want to pee?” Bingo. Validated.

And so, in the spirit of shared bitching and complaining, I would like to introduce you to the Bitch-Fest Party.

Get some wine (call it WHINE), put some mini cheese graters out with signs about “things that grate on my nerves,” throw some snacks together, invite some girlfriends, and try some of these activities:

 Pet Peeve Pictionary – Divide guests into two teams. Each guest writes down one of their pet peeves on a small piece of paper and folds it up. Each team puts all of their folded pet peeves into a bra cup (why not?) and exchanges it with the other team. Using a flip chart or dry erase board, guests take turns illustrating a pet peeve for their team members to guess. If a team correctly guesses the pet peeve within one minute, that team receives a point. An extra point is given if the group can guess who the “owner” of the pet peeve from the other team is. The team with the highest number of points wins.

Whining Wall – Hang several titled poster boards up with markers next to them. Ask guests to walk around and sign them. Some suggested topics:

o   Things I hate worse than a pelvic exam

o   People who may have termites burrowing in their brains

o   My partner’s most obnoxious, drive-me-to-Valium habit

The Grumble Hustle – Take turns complaining about as many things as you can as fast as you can in one minute. Designate a “Counter” so that the one who can bitch about the greatest number of things in one minute wins. Play the William Tell Overture if you have it.

Name the Bitch Game – Print out all three of the sentences below on several pieces of paper (as many as you have guests). Pass them out and ask each guest to fill in the blanks and put their names at the bottom of the page. When completed, collect all of them, mix them up and read them out loud. Participants number a piece of paper and write down who they think each “bitch” is. Participant with the most number of correct answers wins the ‘I Know a Bitch When I See One’ prize (whatever the heck that is).

o   I’d rather stick myself in the eye with an ice pick than ___________.

o   I hate _______________          because she is so damn beautiful.  

o   ___________________ has made me believe in Hell.

My Chocolate Addiction

By Rachel

"Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate." - Patrick Skene Catling

True confession: I'm addicted to chocolate. Yep. Had to go out and buy two more bags of candy to replace what I snuck out of my kids' stockings. I tried to quit cold-turkey but had withdrawals and ended up eating the cookies we baked for Santa. Guess I will be on the Naughty list next year. I just can't seem to get enough!

The high from chocolate is truly a spiritual experience - cacao means "food of the gods," you know. That's why Eden's Tree of Knowledge was really a Chocolate Tree and not an Apple Tree. Think about it:

1. Apples are hardly a temptation. Chocolate.....NOW we're talkin' something worth sinning for!
2. Adam and Eve were naked - if you were naked with someone wouldn't you rather be using chocolate rather than an apple?
3. Chocolate improves skin. Eve had lots of skin showing; she wanted it to look good.
4. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac. The Garden seemed kinda' dullsville. Our woman wanted to liven things up.
5. Eve didn't have to worry about outgrowing her clothes.

Chocolate is women's food! All women's get-togethers should include some kind of chocolate. In honor of our passion for chocolate here is my favorite chocolate cake recipe:

Chocolate Addiction

1 box (about 18 oz.) Devil's food cake mix
1 package (3.5 oz.) instant chocolate pudding mix
1 - 1/2 cups of semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup and 2 tablespoons of butter
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts (optional)

Mix the Devil's food cake mix (should be called, Goddess food cake mix) and small box of instant chocolate pudding; prepare and bake according to the cake mix directions. I prefer to bake my cake in a bundt pan but you can use the pan of your choice. Once the cake has cooled, combine the chocolate chips, corn syrup and butter in a double broiler and cook over medium-low heat. Stir until the chocolate chips are melted and the mixture is smooth (like how your legs used to feel before cellulite); then add the vanilla. Spread the glaze over the top of the cake and sprinkle with chopped pecans or walnuts if desired. Hide from children. Try to wait until your girlfriends arrive before digging in.

Tip: Spray the measuring spoon with non-stick spray before measuring the corn syrup and it won't stick to your spoon.

What Could be Better than Sex?

By Anna

After several days of taking care of my mother’s demon dogs, taking care of my boyfriend’s sick child, and trying to entertain BOTH kids during Fall Break, I needed a drink! When Friday night finally arrived and the kids were put in their crates and the dogs read to and put to bed (oops….other way around) my man went to make me a "night cap." Now I usually prefer something with a major kick but he came back with this frilly, girlie drink with a straw and a cherry on top and said, "Try this, it's good!" I looked at him disapprovingly but he repeated, "No, it's good. You could totally serve this at one of your VAGINA parties." So I laughed & took a sip and, my God, it WAS good. He could read my impressed surprise and asked, "Better than sex?" I laughed & said, "Well, maybe not quite…." He smiled, "No, but that's what you could call it - Better than Sex." So here it is. I’m sure it’s better than some people’s sex. You can decide if it’s better than yours. Buts its definitely worth serving at your next girlfriends’ bash!

Better Than Sex Cocktail                                         
1 oz Vodka                           
1 oz Tequila
½ oz Cherry liqueur
1 oz. Orange juice
1 oz. Sprite
Cherry

Pour ingredients and ice into a shaker of some sort – martini shaker, giant salt shaker, blender, whatever works for you – and shake. Pour over ice and add a fancy straw. Garnish with a cherry, serve, and drink up!

Jeez, I’m doin’ the Squeeze

By Tonia

I joined a gym a few years ago after the spray-painted tan Ken doll showed me around. I signed up but didn’t see any results - until I realized you actually have to go there.

So I went. I pushed some equipment around with my arms and legs for a few minutes and then went out to the lobby to see what was going on. It seemed kind of boring so I found a comfortable chair and immediately fell asleep. Meanwhile upstairs a friend told my partner he had seen me when he came in. My partner said, “Yea, she’s working out downstairs.” And the snitch said, “No, she’s asleep in the chair.” Damn it. Busted.

Another time I decided I would walk my dogs at 5:30 in the morning to get some exercise, hoping I would get it done before my brain figured out I was exercising. Lasted three days.

My most recent experience was in Santa Fe, NM. I thought I signed up for a yoga class, but, surprise, it was a NIA class - a blend of martial arts, dance, and yoga. As a person who is grateful just to walk without falling, I looked like a twirling, chopping, downward facing dog at the fire hydrant.

Now days I consider putting my foot in my mouth, pushing my luck, and climbing the walls as my exercise regime. Those …… and kegels.

Kegel exercises strengthen pelvic floor muscles - and strong pelvic floor muscles contract more powerfully than flabby, out of shape pelvic floor muscles. Hence, the “Big O” can become the “Big O O O!” Personally, I’m trying to do 50,000 kegels a day. :) (Kegels also help reduce “leaking” when you sneeze and laugh, which can be a big cost savings on panty liners!)

A kegel party is a great way to get together with girlfriends to learn more about women’s sexual health. Invite a speaker or provide literature re: STDs, domestic violence, ovarian cancer, medications/supplements, libido, fertility, masturbation, menstruation, menopause, and, of course, how to do the kegel.  

Top the party off with a sing along to a wonderful, saucy, “squeeze along” song called, Do the Kegel. You can order or download it

from www.dothekegel.com Be sure to listen to the Vulva Sisters singing a verse of it online!

New Years Party

By Tonia

Reflecting back on 2010 I can’t say that I kept one single resolution from last New Year. So this year I’m making resolutions that I know I can keep:

1.          Gain weight. I will eat large amounts of pizza and Haagen Daz ice cream in front of the TV and in the middle of the night. I will NOT buy coffee flavored, however, as this might give me energy to get up and actually do something – which would burn calories.

2.         Spend more money. I will denounce budgets as a plot from the devil. I will apply for numerous credit cards and challenge myself to see how high I can run up the balances. Maybe have a contest with a girlfriend.

3.         Start more conflicts with family members. This will be easy. I will accuse someone of stealing the old hydrocodone out of my medicine cabinet. Or of having an affair. If that doesn’t work I will tell my sister how our parents always loved me best (which they did).

4.         Ruin my reputation. I will stay out all night with strangers and go to work in the same clothes I had on the day before. I will yawn and groan frequently to my co-workers about how I did not sleep – and then give them a wink.

Whew. There. Glad that’s done. Now, I can move on to parties.

Did you know that humans have been celebrating the new year for 4000 years? Seriously. Babylonians began celebrating New Year around 2000 B.C. They celebrated for 11 days. Obviously, those people knew how to party!

If you want to party, but want to avoid the whole restaurant/hotel scene (you know the one - with formalwear and dates), consider a girlfriends’ party. Ask your girlfriends to bring snacks. Find a drink from our Drink Recipes tab. Then try these fortune cookies* for an activity:

Fortune Cookies:
Make fortune cookies and fill them with goofy and quirky fortunes for the new year. Write your own based on your girlfriends’ personalities or pet-peeves. OR use Mae West quotations as fortunes……

• "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
• "Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
• "All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”
• "Its not the men in your life that matters, its the life in your men."
• "Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often."
• "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!"
• "It is better to be looked over than overlooked."
• "Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly."
• "If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!"
• "A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up."

Take turns telling one another how the “fortune” you selected is perfect. Or read your selected “fortune” and dedicate it to a girlfriend. Or just eat the whole damn cookie – “fortune” and all…..

* FYI - Historians believe that Fortune Cookies were not really created to include “fortunes.” Rather, they originated from Chinese soldiers who slipped messages into “mooncakes” to coordinate battle plans. I guess Fortune Cookie sounded better than Massacre Cookie.

Don't Quell Those Jingle Bells

By Rachel

Jingle Hell?? No way!! I LOVE Christmas. All the lights, the music, the good cheer, the nostalgia. In fact, if you don't want to do a big holiday party, why not plan a more intimate girlfriend coffee or tea? I have a scrump-alicious coffee cake recipe that is perfect – and nostalgic for me - because it was passed down to me from my Grandmother.

In fact, it was passed down DIRECTLY to me from my Grandmother. Note the missing generation: my mother. “Why?” you ask.  “Is your mother illiterate? Can she not read a recipe? Was there some horrible family secret that kept she and your grandmother at odds?” No, no, the family just got tired of buying new fire extinguishers after my mother cooked. In fact, if her cooking could have called the fire department, my sister and I might have had more dates with firemen.

But let me tell you about the coffee cake. Any time that my Grandmother or I would take this coffee cake somewhere everyone would want the recipe. In retrospect, we should have charged money for it. I could be retired by now. But here it is for free:

Amazing Coffee Cake

1 box yellow cake mix

1 small box instant vanilla pudding

¾ cup oil

¾ cup water

4 eggs

1 teaspoon butter flavoring

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1 cup granulated sugar

1 cup powdered sugar

2-3 tablespoons milk

Preheat oven to 350. Spray two loaf pans with Pam. Mix cinnamon and granulated sugar in a small bowl - or cup or saucer or whatever you can grab the quickest - and sprinkle ½ of the mixture in the bottom of each pan. In a medium-sized bowl, mix the cake mix, pudding, oil, water, eggs, butter flavoring and vanilla until smooth. Pour the cake mixture into the two loaf pans. Sprinkle the remaining cinnamon/sugar mixture on top of each loaf. Bake 40-50 minutes. Once the loaves cool, mix the powdered sugar and milk, adding 1 tablespoon at a time, until the desired consistency is reached for icing. Spoon the icing over both coffee cakes. Lick the spoon. Lick the bowl if no one is watching.

Jingle Hell - part 2

By Anna

I agree with Mom – hard to believe, I know. Too much frenzy and WAY too much of a sugar festival! I’m already one cheeseball away from busting out of my underwear. 

But I DO like some holiday cheer and since you can’t really buy decent pre-made cocktails (Wine coolers will give you cavities before they’ll give you a buzz), you may have to mix up some of your own drinks. So mix up some drinks and invite your girlfriends over to sing The Twelve Pains of Christmas by the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp (click HERE for a YouTube version). Here is one of my favorite holiday drink recipes. ENJOY!

Mrs. Claus’s Valium

1 1/2 c. coffee ice cream (we prefer Haagen Daz)

1/2 banana

1/3 c. Kahlua

1/3 c. light Rum

Whipped cream

Nutmeg

Candy cane (optional)

Chop up the banana - you know, the ones you bought for those health food drinks. Put everything into a blender and blend (that's what blenders do). Pour into a red wine glass and top with whipped cream and nutmeg. Stick a candy cane in it if you must.

Jingle Bells or Jingle Hell: Putting the X Back into Christmas

By Tonia

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

I used to be crazy about Christmas. I would decorate until it looked like Christmas threw up all over my house. Now, as I think about the holidays, I want to throw up. All the frenzy and stress. No thank you. “Ho, ho, ho” - who friggin’ laughs like that? 

So I say resign from Christmas and throw a girlfriends’ unChristmas party! No baking allowed. Refreshments MUST be store-bought. Invitations are by word-of-mouth only and dress is optional – or at least dress in something that makes you laugh. As for entertainment, I’m not sure Rudolf’s missed reindeer games were worth the trouble. But here is a naughty and nice game that YOU won’t want to miss: 

Naughty or Nice Card Game

On index cards or some kind of card stock, create a deck of cards  that have various naughty and nice questions or instructions (examples below). Place these in a pile in the middle of the room (or on the middle of the table) and take turns selecting and answering. Find out how naughty and nice your friends are!

·    NAUGHTY CARD

Catherine Aird said, "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.” What is something that you have done that is a horrible warning to others?

·    NICE CARD

Mark Twain said, “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” Describe a time that you were kind to a stranger.

·    NAUGHTY CARD

Katharine Hepburn said, "If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun." What rule have you broken ….. that was fun?

·    NICE CARD

Leo Buscaglia said, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” What is something that you have done to make another’s life better?


·    NAUGHTY CARD

Helen Gurley Brown said, “Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere.” What naughty places have you been?

·    NICE CARD

Gandhi said, “Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.” When have you been good to an enemy or rival?

·    NAUGHTY CARD

Mae West said, “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.” How good is your hand? Or do you use something else?

·    NICE CARD

John Wayne said, “Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.” When have you been brave?

·    NAUGHTY CARD

Henriette Mantel said, “I don’t have the time every day to put on makeup. I need that time to clean my rifle.” Describe a time that you were happily aggressive.