Bitch-Fest

By Tonia

“I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.” – Lily Tomlin

Confession: I’m an optimist. I can find the silver lining in just about anything. Example: recently a dog tried to rip my face off and I ended up under the plastic surgeon’s needle for two hours. A normal woman would have flipped out. It was my FACE, for God’s sake. I, however, in some kind of psychotic sanguinity was grateful that it was not worse and that I had found a good plastic surgeon. But, I’m telling you, this is not normal. Friends and family tell me that this is NOT normal.

Whining, bitching, moaning, complaining. That is normal. So I decided to try to get in touch with my inner bitch.

But then I realized - who wants to bitch all by herself? Bitching is a team sport. It needs to be shared. If I complain to my girlfriends about someone’s (to remain anonymous) irritating habit of pointing to his wrist when he wants to leave, they say, “Oh my God, yes, I hate that! I mean seriously, do people point to their crotches when they want to pee?” Bingo. Validated.

And so, in the spirit of shared bitching and complaining, I would like to introduce you to the Bitch-Fest Party.

Get some wine (call it WHINE), put some mini cheese graters out with signs about “things that grate on my nerves,” throw some snacks together, invite some girlfriends, and try some of these activities:

 Pet Peeve Pictionary – Divide guests into two teams. Each guest writes down one of their pet peeves on a small piece of paper and folds it up. Each team puts all of their folded pet peeves into a bra cup (why not?) and exchanges it with the other team. Using a flip chart or dry erase board, guests take turns illustrating a pet peeve for their team members to guess. If a team correctly guesses the pet peeve within one minute, that team receives a point. An extra point is given if the group can guess who the “owner” of the pet peeve from the other team is. The team with the highest number of points wins.

Whining Wall – Hang several titled poster boards up with markers next to them. Ask guests to walk around and sign them. Some suggested topics:

o   Things I hate worse than a pelvic exam

o   People who may have termites burrowing in their brains

o   My partner’s most obnoxious, drive-me-to-Valium habit

The Grumble Hustle – Take turns complaining about as many things as you can as fast as you can in one minute. Designate a “Counter” so that the one who can bitch about the greatest number of things in one minute wins. Play the William Tell Overture if you have it.

Name the Bitch Game – Print out all three of the sentences below on several pieces of paper (as many as you have guests). Pass them out and ask each guest to fill in the blanks and put their names at the bottom of the page. When completed, collect all of them, mix them up and read them out loud. Participants number a piece of paper and write down who they think each “bitch” is. Participant with the most number of correct answers wins the ‘I Know a Bitch When I See One’ prize (whatever the heck that is).

o   I’d rather stick myself in the eye with an ice pick than ___________.

o   I hate _______________          because she is so damn beautiful.  

o   ___________________ has made me believe in Hell.