Words of Wisdom from the Aging

by Tonia
   

“Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.” - Bob Monkhouse

I recently had a birthday. I realize that having birthdays is better than the alternative but, for God’s sake, it seems like they’re coming every other week now! I’m definitely getting older sooner than I expected.

I’m actually an official AARP member now. It gets me some discounts, but not for anything cool like Botox, pole-dancing lessons, drinks at the bar, or sex toys. I’m kinda’ at that awkward age: old enough to know better but young enough to want to do it.

Since I’ve been around a few years, I’d like to pass on some words of wisdom to the younger readers. You know, things I’ve learned in life. (Pay attention, RACHEL and ANNA!):

**I’ve learned that being with family is better than being in an automobile accident.

**I’ve learned that collagen loss never goes into remission.

**I’ve learned that any recipe can be improved if you add a bottle of wine to it.

**I’ve learned that "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not only an effective fire safety technique, it’s a great way to get out of a boring conversation.

**I’ve learned that after having my way with a bowl of Haagen Daz ice cream, I no longer want to have sex – AND no one wants to have sex with me.

**I’ve learned that no matter how neatly I put away Christmas lights, they will be tangled the next year when I take them out.

**I’ve learned that the cuter the shoes, the more they hurt my feet – often only getting me from the parking lot to my office where I have to stay seated all day.

**I’ve learned that house-cleaning is like bad sex – it goes on too long and I’m not nearly satisfied.

**I’ve learned that paying my taxes with a smile is not enough – they want money.

For your next girlfriends get-together, ask everyone to bring several of their “What I’ve learned in life” nuggets of wisdom on index cards. Hang these on some kind of small tree or tree branch as part of your decorations. (And you can practice on us by giving us YOUR nuggets of wisdom in the comments below.)

If you’ve got a chronologically gifted group, pass out the following list of names for cocktails. Ask each guest to select a name and make up a cocktail recipe for it. If you have enough ingredients, you could set them out and have each of your guests MAKE their cocktail and engage in taste-testing! Be sure to call cabs when you’re done!

Viva Viagra

Aching Joints

Behind the Times

Flaming Pharmaceutical

Social Security Setback

Ben Gay 

Corpse Reviver

Hormone Replacement Therapy

"Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up." - John Wagner