Online Dating Is Pure Entertainment

By Anna

After weeks of licking my wounds from the 101st breakup with the same man, I decided it was time to get out there again. In the past I've met guys in traditional ways -- you know, bars -- but this time I decided to try something new. You see, I'm an online dating virgin. It's hard meeting decent men - and as my mother always says, "Lots of men worth having - but few worth keeping."

Everyone tells me that internet dating is just like shopping - you get to pick out men and try them on for size. You know, see if they fit - and if they make you look good. I'm all about lookin' good so I decided to give it a go.

Set up my profile using some of my better (duh!) pics with a short bio explaining that I was looking for "a fun-loving man that is honest and genuine." The messages started flooding in. I didn't know that the universe was full of so many fun, honest and genuine men. **eye roll**

I chose someone who was decent looking, and educated (so he said). After several messages we decided to meet during the day at Sam's Club because he needed some things and I love Sam's. Not a typical date - but safe.

When I arrived, the guy was waiting for me inside the building even though he knew I couldn't get in without a card. I was stretching my neck like a nosey neighbor watching an affair across the street - trying to look inside for him each time the automatic doors opened and closed. Finally caught a glimpse of him and waved (hoping to God it was him). He walked to the door to meet me but we couldn't make contact because Crazy Driver on the Scooter Buggy kept jerking her "vehicle" in random directions. She blocked the doorway and ran over several sets of feet. (Those things need a drivers' safety class!) The guy and I danced a jig and lunged at each other several times just trying to shake hands. It took several attempts. Finally succeeded - and, of course, he was not nearly as cute in person.

Found out that he lives alone with four dogs (must really need a best friend). And fun-loving? Well, he must have thought throwing toilet paper over the aisle into the shopping cart qualified him as fun-loving. Not exactly what I had in mind.

After what seemed like hours of browsing the aisles for his oatmeal and dog food we finally made our way to checkout. After the checker ran all of his items through, his card declined!

We said our quick goodbyes and nice to meet yous and I'm thinking this guy wouldn't dare ask me for a second date. Silly me. He did. I politely declined, told him I didn't sense any chemistry and thanked him for his time. He chirped back at me, "How much chemistry can you pick up on in Sam's Club?" He still messages me!

So this is what I learned:

• Never judge a profile by its internet cover
• Hold your phone # in maximum security until after a successful 1st date
• Bring your own money....just in case
• Drink a Zombie - don't date one

Single girlfriends always like to get together to talk about dating fiascos.

Invite them over, share dating war stories and serve this fabulous

Pink Dragon Drink.

Pink Dragon

1 oz. Bacardi Dragon Berry Rum

1 oz. X-Rated Fusion® liqueur

1 oz. lemon-lime soda

Pour the alcohol into a short glass filled with ice. Top with lemon-lime soda.
If you'd like, rim with sugar and put a lime wedge on the side.

BUONA SERA, ITALIA

By Tonia

I went to Italy last summer with a girlfriend and my sister. Don’t worry – no Eat, Pray, Love story here - we didn’t need four months to study Italian. We simply studied our Italian Phrase Book for Idiots on the way over. We figured we could be fluent by the time we landed. From the Sex and Romance chapter we learned to say, "Now, what did you say your name was?" 

While flying (and not studying the Italian Phrase Book for Idiots), my friend slept with her feet under the seat in front of her. The sleeping child seated there peed all over herself AND my friend’s shoes. She squished every step to baggage claim with my sister and me hysterically following. Nothing says Italian romance like urine-saturated tennis shoes.

During the trip we took a wonderful ferry ride to Cinque Terre. Well, it WAS wonderful until my sister’s purse fell overboard with all her money, identification, and passport. 

Soooo in MILAN (not part of our original itinerary) my sister and I went to the consulate's office for a new passport - minus girlfriend who went on to Venice without us (bitch!). At the American consulate, I couldn't go in due to heightened security. (It’s that terrorist look I get when I'm traveling without my regular skin care products.) But, while waiting outside, I did get to:

1.) See several changings of the guard dogs (sorta’ like the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace - except with leashes)

2.) Witness the stopping of a tourist to delete material on his video camera (NO PICTURES ALLOWED in front of the American consulate’s office) – tourist looked like he was about to throw up

3.) Make friends with a nice Muslim lady. In the time that we waited together we exchanged our life stories …. and the life stories of our parents, our grandparents, and our great grandparents. I felt closer to her than my sister by the time we left.

My sister finally did emerge so we headed off to meet my friend in Venice. There we took a ride in a gondola ..… but only after chaining my sister’s purse to her body. We found a hot gondo-babe/gondolier and made him sing to us. I couldn't figure out a way to ditch my sister and friend so it ended up being a foursome. Damn.

So what does this have to do with girlfriends’ parties? Who doesn’t want to go to Italy? But if you can’t plan a girls’ trip to Venice or Rome, bring Italy to your house with an Italian party:

Ask your girlfriends to dress as gondoliers or wear Venetian-type masks.

For decorations, insert candles into empty Chianti bottles, and let wax drip down the sides. Use red and white checkered table clothes or the colors of the Italian flag. Hang travel posters featuring various Italian cities or reproductions of famous art work by Italian artists. 

Serve Italian wines and Bruschetta. Place bowls of olives around for snacks and decoration. If you are feeling particularly productive make Tiramisu. And for a REALLY great time, invite male strippers and ask them to dress up as Roman soldiers! Any other ideas?

Summer War Zone

By Rachel

It’s a war zone at my house. Case in point - two children arguing over who breathed on who first, whose car seat is softer; who gets the yellow Lego  (never mind that there are fifteen more just like it in the box). You get the picture. Some days I have this hallucination that ropes are forming around the room and the boxing bell is going off as my living room transforms itself into a fighting ring. But the fighting is not limited to the house.

The other day they had an escalated blaming match at the pool over whose french fry landed in the sleeping sunbather’s mouth. Since neither one of them threw it, I can only surmise that McDonalds sells air borne fries.

And is it really normal for children to sit on each other’s heads and fart? My husband tells me that farting is considered good manners in some countries. Where? Fartland?

The tattling is another issue! At the store: my daughter screaming that my youngest picked his nose and put his booger on the door of the frozen food section. I tell ya, I’ve given so many time-outs this summer that my kids will have to stay in their rooms until they’re 30.

The “experts” tell me that the following strategies will work. Whatever. Here is my spin on it:

1.       Calm down and relax. All I can say is: DRUGS or lots of RED WINE

2.      Remember the good times and laugh. Good times = before they could speak. Certainly wasn't when my 3 year old asked the elderly woman in the store line why her skin didn’t fit her face. Or when my daughter told the cashier she had pretty yellow teeth and asked the overweight man behind us when his baby was due.

3.      Distract the kids. I’m writing Apple suggesting that they invent something really useful like miniature TV screens on the bottom of dinner plates.

4.      Teach the kids how to negotiate and compromise. Right. I’m duct taping one of them to the closet.

5.      Praise good behavior When does that happen? When and if it does, I plan to make their favorite dessert: chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese frosting.

Serve these at your next girlfriends’ get together whether they’ve been good girls or bad girls.

Chocolate Cupcakes With Cream Cheese Frosting

Cupcakes

1 box Devil’s food cake mix

1 small box instant chocolate pudding

Add in the small box of instant chocolate pudding to the cake mix and prepare the cupcakes according to the directions on the box.

Cream Cheese Frosting (frosts 20 cupcakes)

8 oz cream cheese, softened

1 stick unsalted butter, softened

1 tsp vanilla

1/8 tsp salt

4 cups powdered sugar

In a medium bowl, cream together the butter and cream cheese until creamy. Mix in the vanilla and salt, then gradually stir in the powdered sugar. Frost the cupcakes once cooled.

My Lovely Lady Lumps

Estrofests is thrilled to host our second guest blogger, Rachel Reedy. Rachel is a party thrower/party attender extraordinaire. She is an inspiration to Estrofests as you’ll see from the many party awards in her bio.

By Rachel Reedy

 “The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts.” – Conan O’Brien

In junior high my girl friends and I decided to give each other nicknames depending on the size of our boobs.  We had Rockies, Appalachians, rolling hills, and mine .…. jelly beans.  So sad when my friends talked about their boobs as “the girls” and I had to refer to mine as “the fetuses.”  In 8^th grade I tried to get my nickname changed to peanut butter cup but it didn’t stick because they all knew my boobs hadn’t grown, just the padding in my bra. 

That is how it works when you’re on the Itty Bitty Titty Committee like me.  I get to DECIDE how big my boobs will be.  There’s no growing and naturally moving up a bra size.  Oh, no. If I want bigger boobs, I buy a bra with more padding.  I decide whether I shove the chicken cutlet inserts into my bra that day.  I decide if the occasion merits a wonder bra or my every day, no cup size bra from the pre-teen section. No joke. This is where I buy my bras. 

In high school I decided it was time for larger breasts and bought a super-sized padded bra.  Like anything new it takes awhile to get used to, which was apparent when I shut my boob (aka padded bra) into my car door in the high school parking lot.  Thinking quickly, I pretended I was in excruciating pain as I simultaneously pulled the bra from the car door and opened the door.  Fortunately no witnesses - but I did have a squished right “boob” for the rest of the day. 

I think all women have stories about their boobs, whether it’s about concealing them, stuffing them, lifting them, exposing them, ….. or in any number of ways having them on center stage in an embarrassing situation.  That’s why it’s time to get girlfriends together to celebrate BOOBS and to embrace whatever size, shape, color or firmness they may be. 

The party should have a catchy name like “Lovely Lady Lumps Party” or “Tantalizing Titties Tribute.”   Of course boobies of all sizes, shapes, volume, and depths are invited.  Games could include:

That’s Me

Pass out index cards. Have guests either individually or as a group (gather in booby sizes) write reasons why their boob size is awesome.  Example:  “Small boobies are awesome because I can shimmy in Zumba without knocking out the people beside me” or “Large Boobies are awesome because they make a great shelf for popcorn.”  “Perky boobs are awesome because they get me free drinks at the bar.”  “Saggy boobs are awesome because they cover my muffin top.”  Gather the cards and mix them up. Then read each one out loud to the entire group. Instruct the group that if the statement applies to them, they must stand up and yell, “That’s Me!” (and while they’re standing they might as well shimmy a bit.)

First Time to Second Base 

Hand each guest an index card. Ask everyone to write their name on the card and the first time they were ever felt up, or another funny time/situation when they were being felt up.  Read each situation out loud and have everyone guess which guest the Second Base story belongs to. Guest with most correct guesses wins!

Battle of the Brassieres

This is a relay. Divide your guests into two teams. Have one member from each team – on the outside of her shirt – put on the number of bras that she has in teammates (e.g. if there are five other teammates besides her, she will put on five bras; if there are three other teammates besides her, she will put on three bras).  Have the bra wearers stand about 20 feet away from their lined up teammates.  When someone says, “GO,” one of the teammates from each team runs to her bra wearer and unhooks one of the bras with only ONE hand. When she is done she runs back to her other teammates and the next one in line runs to the bra wearer and unhooks a bra with one hand. Continue until the bra wearer no longer has any bras on the outside of her shirt. First team to accomplish this wins!

Enjoy!

Rachel lives for themed parties, costume creations, and relay games.  Her favorite costumes to date include, The Artist formerly known as Prince, Tonya Harding, Travelocity Gnome, and every 80’s outfit! Her awards (of which she is MOST proud) include First Place in Get that Man Off My Back relay race, Best Pirate Name (Captain Hammer Toe), and Champion 80’s hair! In her non-party life Rachel has a master's degree in social work and works as a school social worker by day and Zumba fitness instructor by night. She currently resides in Houston, TX.

MARTINI PARTINI

By Tonia

I love martinis. But, when I drink them I end up searching for aspirin, my pants and the details of the night before. Started out drinking them because of the martini glass. Thought I looked sophisticated. (Stop laughing.) Later learned some fabulous recipes. Have been guzzling them ever since.

In celebration of martinis, we would like to offer the game, Martini, as a prize for the funniest martini story. Simply

1. Become a Follower of our blog

2. LIKE our Facebook page HERE

3. Write your story in a comment below. This will be your entry.

Entries accepted through June 30^th. One entry will be selected as the winning entry and the winner will be notified through Facebook on July 1. You may enter as many times as you wish but each entry must have unique content.

And as part of your martini party, consider making these adorable martini cupcakes. We tried them and LOVED them. Kits are available through Cupcake Cuties HERE

And, last but CERTAINLY not least, HERE is the recipe for the fab-tacular Blow Pop Martini – sure to wow your girlfriends (they did ours!) - compliments of The Sweet Temptations.

Let’s partini!

White Trash Bash

By Tonia

I recently drove to Texas to get my grandkid fix. I needed to empty and refill my bladder so I stopped at McDonalds in Atoka, Oklahoma. It was closed. Closed?? Really?? At 11:00 pm?? Oh, yea, I forget, I’m in stunted-development country - where mentioning Jesus feeding the multitudes brings the inevitable question, “Was it with bass or catfish?”

So no stop at McDonalds - which meant I now had an URGENT need to find a toilet/ outhouse/ anything that would contain my body fluids. But no. I was pulled over by a highway patrolman who informed me that my license plate light was out. Thank you, Officer. I’m about to deluge my car with urine but thank you for protecting the highway from my dangerous dark license plate.

When I finally pulled away from Mr. Safety, there was a detour to the turnpike onramp so I had to drive through another friggin' small Oklahoma town where I promptly got lost. Maybe it had something to do with identical bronze buffalo statues standing on every damn street corner.

By the way, we have crazy laws in Texas and Oklahoma re: buffalo. In Texas there is a law against shooting a buffalo from the second story of a hotel (?) and in Oklahoma it is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone to pretend to have sex with a buffalo (???).

So I stopped to ask for directions from a guy who informed me I didn’t need the turnpike because it would cost me the outrageous price of $2. Can you hear the Dueling Banjos from Deliverance yet?

I finally made it to a restroom and then to Texas. Texas, by the way, has to be the only state in the union where purses decorated with scriptures and purses decorated with guns are sold side by side (see pic).

The whole trip inspired me to throw a White Trash Bash like my friend, Christina. Here are some of her fabulous ideas:

(1) Make sure that everyone dresses up in their best white trash outfit.

(2) Serve Pabst Blue Ribbon and Natural Light beer, wine coolers and Boone's Farm.  If you have access to a cattle water trough, fill it with ice and place the bottles in it. 

(3) Do a relay race. Each contestant rides a small tricycle pulling a cart of empty beer cans around obstacles while chugging a beer.
(4) Have a Biggest Redneck Contest. Crown the winner as Queen Redneck. Create a crown made of beer cans and a sash made of duct tape. We've created a contest for you below.

1. Have you ever used a piece of indoor furniture for outdoor purposes?
2. Have you or a family member been interviewed about a tornado touchdown?
3. When the tornado sirens go off, is your first instinct to go and sit outside w/a beer and watch the tornado or jump into your truck and chase it?
4. Do you have one or more broken, chipped or missing teeth?
5. Have you ever torn the sleeves off your shirt?
6. Do you own more than 5 hats?
7. Do you think camouflage is a color?
8. Have you ever sported a mullet at any point in your lifetime?
9. Have you attended a tractor pull, NASCAR race or monster truck show?
10. Have you ever lived in a trailer?
11. Have you ever made your own beer or wine?

12. Have you fixed something with bailing wire or duct tape?
13. Do you believe that aliens are abducting people, impregnating people, and/or reading your mind?
14. Have you ever owned a pitt bull?
15. Do you Ti-vo the Jerry Springer Show?
16. Are you unsure who the father of your baby is?
17. Have you ever bought a wedding dress off E-bay?
18. Have you picked up road kill?
19. Have you been dumpster diving?
20. Have you attended a boat show or gun and knife show?
21. Do you have a significant other or ex's name tattooed on your body?
22. Do you pronounce tortilla and bologna like they're speeled or sandwich like 'samich'?
23. Do you measure distance in minutes instead of miles?
24. Do you know several people who have hit a deer?
25. Have you ever used a 30 pack of beer as a pet carrier?

The Underside of Underwear

By Anna

“A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." Lillian Day

I recently decided to go through my underwear drawer. OMG. Why do I keep those ratty panties with the stains and elastic hanging off? And the ones with the holes in the crotch (not the sexy crotchless)? Why don’t I just go and buy new ones? After all, I remember what mom said about being caught in an accident …… Maybe, if I were more like Superman wearing my underwear on top of my outfits, I’d be more particular.

Underwear communicates, too. If I wear a thong I’m in the mood. If I wear the stained, cotton brief it’s either laundry day or I’m on my period.

And why is it that dogs love to eat the crotches out of panties? We have a dog that literally steals the panties out of our laundry baskets and takes them under the bed to have a flossing session … or a snack … or whatever. My niece saw one of these pairs of underwear in my drawer and asked if my farts burned a hole in them. Little brat.

If guys only knew. We can be all dressed up – and unless we think we’re getting lucky that night – we can have the dingiest and saggiest undergarments on. OR we’re wearing so much spandex that there’s no way he’s going to wrestle us out of it. Remember Bridget Jones?

BTW, I did a little research on undies. Seems that a third of us don’t even know our correct size - Small, Medium or Large. And, supposedly, 56% of us fold our underwear before putting them away while 27% of us just toss them in a drawer. What are the other 17% doing??? Buying new each time? Ironing and hanging? Not changing them? Help me here. Seriously, I’d love to see some comments on this.

And for your next girlfriends get-together (and in honor of women’s underwear), here is a fabulous drink recipe called the Panty Dropper. And I can attest to the fact that it has dropped a few of mine.

Panty Dropper

1 oz raspberry vodka

1 oz blueberry scnapps

1 oz cranberry juice

Makes one drink so be sure to multiply!