White Trash Bash

By Tonia

I recently drove to Texas to get my grandkid fix. I needed to empty and refill my bladder so I stopped at McDonalds in Atoka, Oklahoma. It was closed. Closed?? Really?? At 11:00 pm?? Oh, yea, I forget, I’m in stunted-development country - where mentioning Jesus feeding the multitudes brings the inevitable question, “Was it with bass or catfish?”

So no stop at McDonalds - which meant I now had an URGENT need to find a toilet/ outhouse/ anything that would contain my body fluids. But no. I was pulled over by a highway patrolman who informed me that my license plate light was out. Thank you, Officer. I’m about to deluge my car with urine but thank you for protecting the highway from my dangerous dark license plate.

When I finally pulled away from Mr. Safety, there was a detour to the turnpike onramp so I had to drive through another friggin' small Oklahoma town where I promptly got lost. Maybe it had something to do with identical bronze buffalo statues standing on every damn street corner.

By the way, we have crazy laws in Texas and Oklahoma re: buffalo. In Texas there is a law against shooting a buffalo from the second story of a hotel (?) and in Oklahoma it is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone to pretend to have sex with a buffalo (???).

So I stopped to ask for directions from a guy who informed me I didn’t need the turnpike because it would cost me the outrageous price of $2. Can you hear the Dueling Banjos from Deliverance yet?

I finally made it to a restroom and then to Texas. Texas, by the way, has to be the only state in the union where purses decorated with scriptures and purses decorated with guns are sold side by side (see pic).

The whole trip inspired me to throw a White Trash Bash like my friend, Christina. Here are some of her fabulous ideas:

(1) Make sure that everyone dresses up in their best white trash outfit.

(2) Serve Pabst Blue Ribbon and Natural Light beer, wine coolers and Boone's Farm.  If you have access to a cattle water trough, fill it with ice and place the bottles in it. 

(3) Do a relay race. Each contestant rides a small tricycle pulling a cart of empty beer cans around obstacles while chugging a beer.
(4) Have a Biggest Redneck Contest. Crown the winner as Queen Redneck. Create a crown made of beer cans and a sash made of duct tape. We've created a contest for you below.

1. Have you ever used a piece of indoor furniture for outdoor purposes?
2. Have you or a family member been interviewed about a tornado touchdown?
3. When the tornado sirens go off, is your first instinct to go and sit outside w/a beer and watch the tornado or jump into your truck and chase it?
4. Do you have one or more broken, chipped or missing teeth?
5. Have you ever torn the sleeves off your shirt?
6. Do you own more than 5 hats?
7. Do you think camouflage is a color?
8. Have you ever sported a mullet at any point in your lifetime?
9. Have you attended a tractor pull, NASCAR race or monster truck show?
10. Have you ever lived in a trailer?
11. Have you ever made your own beer or wine?

12. Have you fixed something with bailing wire or duct tape?
13. Do you believe that aliens are abducting people, impregnating people, and/or reading your mind?
14. Have you ever owned a pitt bull?
15. Do you Ti-vo the Jerry Springer Show?
16. Are you unsure who the father of your baby is?
17. Have you ever bought a wedding dress off E-bay?
18. Have you picked up road kill?
19. Have you been dumpster diving?
20. Have you attended a boat show or gun and knife show?
21. Do you have a significant other or ex's name tattooed on your body?
22. Do you pronounce tortilla and bologna like they're speeled or sandwich like 'samich'?
23. Do you measure distance in minutes instead of miles?
24. Do you know several people who have hit a deer?
25. Have you ever used a 30 pack of beer as a pet carrier?