I Need a Fender Bender Mender

By Tonia

“Accidents are not accidents but precise arrivals at the wrong right time.”― Dejan Stojanovic

I recently had a car accident. No one was hurt, thank God, but I’m still wondering: how did that slow-moving vehicle bounce off my car? Did it have anything to do with me swerving into its lane? Surely not!

This is not my first auto accident. My dysfunctional relationship with driving began at 16 when I failed my first driving test and drove over a wall. That little incident made the newspaper. After I survived the adolescent humiliation of it, I collected several moving violations. I remember my mother telling me that I really needed to start a different kind of collection. (Everyone thinks they're a comedian.) There were also dismantled side mirrors. And hopped curbs. And the 3 totaled out cars.

I try to be a good person but traffic rules can be so tedious. I like a bit more creativity in my automotive adventures....I mean, travel. Using turn signals Every. Single. Time. Just seems unnecessary. And those “No U-turn” signs really just mean look out for cops before turning around. And tailgating. Gets you where you want to go a little bit faster and helps you get up close and personal to make new friends. Or maybe find a date.....

I once saw a definition of PEDESTRIAN that I thought was pretty accurate: “Annoying obstacle infringing upon your right to drive at the speed you feel most comfortable.” H.E.L.L.O. So true!

Despite my own poor driving record, I don’t recommend a car wreck for your next girlfriends’ get together. Instead, try this retro drink called the Golden Cadillac. It’s yummy.

GOLDEN CADILLAC

1 ½  oz. Galliano

1 oz. heavy cream

1  oz. crème de cacao

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice. Add ingredients. Shake and pour into cocktail glass.

Whose Kids are These?

by Rachel

"Kids are like farts, you only like your own." - Unknown

One of our toilets was constantly running so I decided to avoid a plumbing bill and pull a DIY. But when I took inventory of my husband’s tools, I discovered that our 5 year old had a better set than he did. So I decided to take the kids to the hardware store to pick up a few things. The hubby is good at many things but fixing things is not on that list. Examples: when he changed the car oil a few years back, he forgot to latch the hood when he was finished. As he drove off the hood flew up and completely smashed the windshield. And then there was the time he was chasing squirrels out of the attic and fell through the ceiling. No, this man is not allowed to do repairs as long as I'm living in the house!

But back to my story. On the way to the hardware store, I discovered that the kids had just raided and consumed all their Christmas stocking candy. How did I know this? Oh, you know, those tell-tale signs: seat belts twisted and knotted in “designs”, shoes worn on ears instead of feet, inane jokes about stinky feet and farts, noise levels rivaling the launch of the space shuttle…… I threatened to buy rope to tether them to me in the store but I was afraid that their sugar highs would give them the strength of grizzly bears and they would fly through the store dragging my flailing body behind them.

While I was looking at plumbing items, my little sugar-crazed children discovered a malfunctioning drinking fountain that squirted a 4 foot water stream against the wall. My 5 year old thought this was the most hysterical thing he had ever seen! I walked over to get on to him and slipped on the water on the floor and took out the end cap of filters.

I came home and locked myself in the bathroom where I could have a moment of peace with broken toilet. Changed the fill valve, overflow pipe, flapper, and handle while the kids crashed from their sugar high. Success!

A great idea for a girlfriends' get together would be to have a tool swapping party along with stories (and directions) of successful DIY projects. Use candy molds to make chocolate "tools" as part of your refreshments.