No, Nope, No Thanks

By Tonia

“Tell him I was too fucking busy - or vice versa.” ― Dorothy Parker

Ah, “No” ... from the Latin word meaning to greatly amplify a woman’s guilt using a single syllable.

I’m not talking about sex here (besides, I rarely say “No” to that!). I’m talking about women’s inability to say “No” to favors and tasks that others request from us – serving on boards, volunteering in classrooms, running additional errands, taking on additional work on the job, etc. etc. etc. Saying “No” goes against our good-girl nature (yet another reason to be a bad girl!). We say, “Yes” when we really want to say, “No – and hell, no!”

There were times in my life when “No” never escaped my vocal chords. I probably needed some sort of speech therapy to formulate the sound. I practiced saying “No” in the mirror over and over but to no avail. I would hear "NO!" in my head but my *&%^ mouth would say, "OK," "Sure," "Happy to." I needed to unleash my inner 2-year old!

So I decided to think of ways to sound agreeable but still say “No.” Here they are. You’re welcome.

QUES: "Want to hang out Saturday?”

ANSWER: "Sure! I’ve got to paint the kitchen. Come on over.”

QUES: "Can I borrow your chapstick?"

ANSWER: "Sure! My herpes is almost cleared up.”

QUESTION: “Would you make your special cupcakes for the class party next week?”

ANSWER: “Of course! My kitchen is being renovated and I don’t have an oven. I’ll just bake them on the grill.”

QUES: "Do you mind if I date your ex?"

ANSWER: "No problem! I think he just got discharged from the psych unit and is looking for someone.”

QUES: "Can you babysit little Emma?"

ANSWER: "Would love it. You know, I really miss my kids since Child Protective Services took them away."

So for your next girlfriends’ get together, have a Just Say NO Party. Here are some ideas:

-- Hang “Say NO to YES” posters

-- Hang a poster board and invite everyone write on it the thing that they wish they could say “No” to.

-- Give everyone pencil and paper. Set a timer for 60 seconds and instruct everyone to write down as many ways to say “No” as they can think of.

-- Write various scenarios that need a “No” response on Jenga® blocks. Play the game by taking turns pulling out the blocks and responding to the scenarios in humorous ways.

ENJOY!

The Cat’s Out of the Bag

By Tonia

As a single woman about to turn to 60, I’m concerned about my new title. You see, I date younger men. Not MINORS - just younger.

 

According to the Urban Dictionary, a 40+ woman who dates younger men is a COUGAR and a 50+ woman who dates younger men is a JAGUAR. There isn’t a name for a woman in her 60s who dates younger men. What the hell does that mean?? ZAP! I’m no longer dating?? Surely I’m not a SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER – about to be extinct because of lack of prey!

According to AARP, 34% of 40-69 year old women date younger men. Clearly, curiosity is not killing these pussy cats! So the cat is out of the bag – or the closet, so to speak. Older women LIKE younger men and actually date them.

I applaud these women (guess I'm applauding myself, too). Older women in our culture are often made to feel invisible. So many of us are protesting this phenomenon with, “Look at me! I’m not dead yet! In fact, I’m HOT – and I’m NOT talkin’ about those flashes, Baby!”

"If you count the piano lessons we've been
dating for almost a year."

No ‘fraidy cat for me. I’m going to stick my neck out …. or my boobs …. or whatever gets noticed …. and follow the examples set by Elizabeth Taylor, Susan Sarandon, Melanie Griffith, Madonna, and others. Hope my kids don't start bragging, “My mom’s boy toy is younger than your mom’s boy toy!”

And, by the way, these women aren’t just dating younger men because they can. A recent study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly found that women with partners 10+ years younger have greater relationship satisfaction than women who have partners the same age or older. Hmmmm. Wonder what THAT's about <wink, wink>.

So, after your next boy toy date, get some girlfriends together and fix the Superstar Vixen. You earned it! 

SUPERSTAR VIXEN                   

1 oz Vixen Vodka


3 oz Ginger beer


1/2 oz Raspberry lemonade

Just Say NO

by Tonia

"The Ukraine girls really knock me out..." - Beatles (Back in the USSR)

In the news: Ukrainian women are just saying “No” (or “Nyet”) to doing the deed with Russian men. It’s a protest to Russia’s takeover of Crimea. Several Russian journalists have wondered what’s gotten into these women. Uh ….. not YOU! Ukrainian women have decided that Russians are big dicks - and not the lucky kind. So, like the Smurfs, some Russian men are singing’ The Blue Ball Blues.

The story reminds me of the ancient Greek play about Lysistrata who persuades the women of Athens to withhold sex from their partners to force an end to the Peloponnesian War. This play has everything, by the way: erections, gender politics, more erections, old guys in dresses. It’s the Animal House of ancient Greece. In one scene the old men bring fire to burn down the city’s gates but the old women soak them with water – kind of a reverse wet tee-shirt contest.

But the women soon start to feel desperate for sex (I know THAT feeling!) and begin to make excuses to return to their beds – “Uh, I need to wash my sheets,” “Uh, I need to air out my comforter.” But Lysistrata whips them back into shape (well, not literally – see blog on Fifty Shades of Grey if you’re interested in THAT sort of thing) and they stay strong for the cause.

Meanwhile, all of the men are burdened with enormous erections. (On stage this scene looks like a Viagra festival – my favorite part.) They finally agree to peace talks. There’s a huge celebration in a hybrid May Day Parade/Orgy scene. Everyone gets laid and lives happily ever after.

So I hope that the Ukrainian women have the same success. Recently on Facebook they wrote, “Russian women, care to join us?” and “Our men are all still at home, but yours appear to be going to war.” How do you say, “Hold out there, Bitches!! We’re with you!!” in Ukrainian?

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider finding a cause to protest or support. Solidarity! 

Moaning Over Myths

By Tonia

March is Women’s History Month and, while I could certainly acknowledge many brave, intelligent, pioneering women here, its more my style to look at the ridiculous. So, for Women’s History Month, I’ve decided to take a look at some of the bizarre historical myths about women. Here they are:

Too much “female semen” turns women into demonic shrews. Supposedly “female semen” accumulated and festered in a woman’s body. I wonder if there was a bulge somewhere – you know, like pregnancy or zits. This terrible condition, this amassed female semen, was diagnosed as “female hysteria,” and its cure required women to orgasm. Hey! I got no trouble with that! And, truth be told, I probably DO feel a little bitchy if I haven’t had my whoopee in awhile. 

Women who think too much become sterile. Dr. Edward Clarke of Harvard University announced that women should not be exposed to higher education because thinking drew blood to their brains and away from their reproductive organs. Maybe women who think don’t WANT 12 kids! But the association of brains and genitalia is an interesting one – men thinking with their dicks?

Menstruation is poisonous. It was once believed that food exposed to a woman on her period would putrefy. Fruits and vegetables would rot; butter wouldn’t set; and meats would get moldy. Hey! Great excuse not to cook! Get me some red dye for my underwear…..

The body heat of young women could reverse aging in old men.  Apparently there are still men who think this but, sorry, guys, it’s a myth. But it was believed, even in the medical profession, that young women’s heat and moisture would revitalize wrinkly old bodies. Hell, if that’s all it takes, I’m spending WAY too much money on Botox and moisturizers!

Some vaginas have teeth. Yep. A whole set. Supposedly women who had these could castrate any man with a single bite. Instead of “eat me,” I guess those va-jay-jays were more the “eat you” type. Too bad the young girls who were made to sleep with those dirty old men didn’t have a set! I wonder if a set of dentures would fit in my……..

And, on that happy note, Happy Women’s History Month. Celebrate with your closest girlfriends playing the game Cards Against Humanity. It’s every kind of wrong but you’ll laugh your ass off (which is always a perk, in my opinion).

My Vagina's Not in Vogue

by Tonia

“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding” - Betty White

A friend of mine recently posted a link on my Facebook wall regarding a new bleaching product for vaginas. Later I heard about cosmetic coloring for vaginas - yes, pussy dye. So which is it? Am I supposed to bleach it or dye it? What do you think? Should I go lighter or darker?

 

And then I read that my va-jay-jay may be too floppy or too hairy. Really? How on earth do I decide what it should look like other than what it does look like? Hell, I can barely decide what outfit to wear each morning – much less what my va-jay-jay is “supposed” to look like.

But WAIT! There’s more! I’m also told that I need to clean my natural secretions for the sake of “feminine hygiene.” Why don’t men have these products? You know, Penis Deodorants and Ball Wipes? Frankly, I like to think of my vaginal secretions as my vagina drooling in happy anticipation of some tasty playtime.

I just can't buy that there are any bad vaginas – maybe misunderstood (and probably mishandled) - but not bad.

The friend that posted on my Facebook wall is male and wrote the following for Estrofests readers - in opposition to the way women are bombarded by the media about needing to "fix" themselves: 

Your vagina is beautiful.

Yes you heard me, it is perfect in every way.

There are ones that truly unfold like a Georgia O’Keefe painting, boldly, and beautifully expressing themselves.

And there are ones that unfold more slowly, with a kiss, a caress, and some warm affection.

Each vagina is unique, each special, and each wonderful.

Do not listen to the nonsense articles that somehow want to convince you otherwise. They are probably trying to feed into your self-doubts and fears, in order to sell you some product you don’t need, or convince you that you must somehow change, or that you are not worthy of some lofty goal you can only achieve by spending money on nonsense.

Embrace how your legs lead gently up to this very magical place. How your body points down to highlight, and bring attention to, its beauty. And realize how much pleasure it can provide you, and your lover. From the first glance, it is intriguing. A gentle brush with the fingertips brings both the vagina, and the fingers to life. Warmth, moisture, tingling excitement… a quickening of heartbeats, and heavy breathing. Hoping for more, yearning for more…. Magical, wonderful, sensuous…. To touch, to taste, to experience a piece of heaven…. Yes my dear, embrace all that is wonderful about your body, it is completely beautiful.

 

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, celebrate your vaginas. Come in unique vagina costumes, fingerpaint pictures of your vaginas, and read up on vagina folklore. In fact, take a look at our previous blog regarding vagina party ideas (CLICK HERE) and have a ball …. I mean, have a vagina!