Driving Others Crazy

by Tonia

"Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned to swear." - Robert Paul

For the record, just because I’m sober doesn’t mean I’m a good driver. My friends remind me that they exhibit great courage when they ride with me. Recently, as I was driving with a friend down a mountain, I scraped the passenger’s door on the barrier that keeps cars from falling off the side of the road. He started to pale. Then, when we got into town I ran a STOP sign. That imaginary brake on the passenger's side went right through the floor. Geez. Some people just want to play it so safe.

A few months ago the boyfriend was following me in his car since he was unfamiliar with the area. I forgot which side of the road my exit was on and crossed three lanes of traffic in a single lane change. I thought this was a terrific feat …. except …. I. Lost. The. Boyfriend. Oops! Should have tried that with the ex!

Sometimes people do honk at me – but since my bumper sticker says, “Honk if you’re horny,” I’m never really sure if I’m getting hit on or if someone almost got hit. Maybe I need a new bumper sticker. Do any of these work?

-- “Friends don’t let friends ride with me”

-- “Don’t blame me; the dog is learning to drive”

-- ”If you think my driving is bad, you should see me dance”

-- “My bumper has been around ….. around a rock ….. around a tree ….. around a fence post”

-- “Sure, the cassis has a few dents and dings, but so does the car”

I really should give some consideration to safer driving. It’s starting to cost me. This summer I ripped the bottom off of my little Prius – TWICE! And had to pay for it. Guess a Prius isn’t a jeep.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, try this cocktail. It’s one of Anna’s creations and we’re calling it the Ambulance Chaser.

Ambulance Chaser

2 oz vodka

4 oz t-Up

½ tsp. ginger

OPTIONAL: ¼ tsp chopped jalapeno

Shake and serve over ice

I Need a Fender Bender Mender

By Tonia

“Accidents are not accidents but precise arrivals at the wrong right time.”― Dejan Stojanovic

I recently had a car accident. No one was hurt, thank God, but I’m still wondering: how did that slow-moving vehicle bounce off my car? Did it have anything to do with me swerving into its lane? Surely not!

This is not my first auto accident. My dysfunctional relationship with driving began at 16 when I failed my first driving test and drove over a wall. That little incident made the newspaper. After I survived the adolescent humiliation of it, I collected several moving violations. I remember my mother telling me that I really needed to start a different kind of collection. (Everyone thinks they're a comedian.) There were also dismantled side mirrors. And hopped curbs. And the 3 totaled out cars.

I try to be a good person but traffic rules can be so tedious. I like a bit more creativity in my automotive adventures....I mean, travel. Using turn signals Every. Single. Time. Just seems unnecessary. And those “No U-turn” signs really just mean look out for cops before turning around. And tailgating. Gets you where you want to go a little bit faster and helps you get up close and personal to make new friends. Or maybe find a date.....

I once saw a definition of PEDESTRIAN that I thought was pretty accurate: “Annoying obstacle infringing upon your right to drive at the speed you feel most comfortable.” H.E.L.L.O. So true!

Despite my own poor driving record, I don’t recommend a car wreck for your next girlfriends’ get together. Instead, try this retro drink called the Golden Cadillac. It’s yummy.

GOLDEN CADILLAC

1 ½  oz. Galliano

1 oz. heavy cream

1  oz. crème de cacao

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice. Add ingredients. Shake and pour into cocktail glass.