Just Say NO

by Tonia

"The Ukraine girls really knock me out..." - Beatles (Back in the USSR)

In the news: Ukrainian women are just saying “No” (or “Nyet”) to doing the deed with Russian men. It’s a protest to Russia’s takeover of Crimea. Several Russian journalists have wondered what’s gotten into these women. Uh ….. not YOU! Ukrainian women have decided that Russians are big dicks - and not the lucky kind. So, like the Smurfs, some Russian men are singing’ The Blue Ball Blues.

The story reminds me of the ancient Greek play about Lysistrata who persuades the women of Athens to withhold sex from their partners to force an end to the Peloponnesian War. This play has everything, by the way: erections, gender politics, more erections, old guys in dresses. It’s the Animal House of ancient Greece. In one scene the old men bring fire to burn down the city’s gates but the old women soak them with water – kind of a reverse wet tee-shirt contest.

But the women soon start to feel desperate for sex (I know THAT feeling!) and begin to make excuses to return to their beds – “Uh, I need to wash my sheets,” “Uh, I need to air out my comforter.” But Lysistrata whips them back into shape (well, not literally – see blog on Fifty Shades of Grey if you’re interested in THAT sort of thing) and they stay strong for the cause.

Meanwhile, all of the men are burdened with enormous erections. (On stage this scene looks like a Viagra festival – my favorite part.) They finally agree to peace talks. There’s a huge celebration in a hybrid May Day Parade/Orgy scene. Everyone gets laid and lives happily ever after.

So I hope that the Ukrainian women have the same success. Recently on Facebook they wrote, “Russian women, care to join us?” and “Our men are all still at home, but yours appear to be going to war.” How do you say, “Hold out there, Bitches!! We’re with you!!” in Ukrainian?

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider finding a cause to protest or support. Solidarity! 

Moaning Over Myths

By Tonia

March is Women’s History Month and, while I could certainly acknowledge many brave, intelligent, pioneering women here, its more my style to look at the ridiculous. So, for Women’s History Month, I’ve decided to take a look at some of the bizarre historical myths about women. Here they are:

Too much “female semen” turns women into demonic shrews. Supposedly “female semen” accumulated and festered in a woman’s body. I wonder if there was a bulge somewhere – you know, like pregnancy or zits. This terrible condition, this amassed female semen, was diagnosed as “female hysteria,” and its cure required women to orgasm. Hey! I got no trouble with that! And, truth be told, I probably DO feel a little bitchy if I haven’t had my whoopee in awhile. 

Women who think too much become sterile. Dr. Edward Clarke of Harvard University announced that women should not be exposed to higher education because thinking drew blood to their brains and away from their reproductive organs. Maybe women who think don’t WANT 12 kids! But the association of brains and genitalia is an interesting one – men thinking with their dicks?

Menstruation is poisonous. It was once believed that food exposed to a woman on her period would putrefy. Fruits and vegetables would rot; butter wouldn’t set; and meats would get moldy. Hey! Great excuse not to cook! Get me some red dye for my underwear…..

The body heat of young women could reverse aging in old men.  Apparently there are still men who think this but, sorry, guys, it’s a myth. But it was believed, even in the medical profession, that young women’s heat and moisture would revitalize wrinkly old bodies. Hell, if that’s all it takes, I’m spending WAY too much money on Botox and moisturizers!

Some vaginas have teeth. Yep. A whole set. Supposedly women who had these could castrate any man with a single bite. Instead of “eat me,” I guess those va-jay-jays were more the “eat you” type. Too bad the young girls who were made to sleep with those dirty old men didn’t have a set! I wonder if a set of dentures would fit in my……..

And, on that happy note, Happy Women’s History Month. Celebrate with your closest girlfriends playing the game Cards Against Humanity. It’s every kind of wrong but you’ll laugh your ass off (which is always a perk, in my opinion).