Just Say NO

by Tonia

"The Ukraine girls really knock me out..." - Beatles (Back in the USSR)

In the news: Ukrainian women are just saying “No” (or “Nyet”) to doing the deed with Russian men. It’s a protest to Russia’s takeover of Crimea. Several Russian journalists have wondered what’s gotten into these women. Uh ….. not YOU! Ukrainian women have decided that Russians are big dicks - and not the lucky kind. So, like the Smurfs, some Russian men are singing’ The Blue Ball Blues.

The story reminds me of the ancient Greek play about Lysistrata who persuades the women of Athens to withhold sex from their partners to force an end to the Peloponnesian War. This play has everything, by the way: erections, gender politics, more erections, old guys in dresses. It’s the Animal House of ancient Greece. In one scene the old men bring fire to burn down the city’s gates but the old women soak them with water – kind of a reverse wet tee-shirt contest.

But the women soon start to feel desperate for sex (I know THAT feeling!) and begin to make excuses to return to their beds – “Uh, I need to wash my sheets,” “Uh, I need to air out my comforter.” But Lysistrata whips them back into shape (well, not literally – see blog on Fifty Shades of Grey if you’re interested in THAT sort of thing) and they stay strong for the cause.

Meanwhile, all of the men are burdened with enormous erections. (On stage this scene looks like a Viagra festival – my favorite part.) They finally agree to peace talks. There’s a huge celebration in a hybrid May Day Parade/Orgy scene. Everyone gets laid and lives happily ever after.

So I hope that the Ukrainian women have the same success. Recently on Facebook they wrote, “Russian women, care to join us?” and “Our men are all still at home, but yours appear to be going to war.” How do you say, “Hold out there, Bitches!! We’re with you!!” in Ukrainian?

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider finding a cause to protest or support. Solidarity!