Motherhood Shmotherhood

by Tonia

"No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement." — Florida Scott-Maxwell 

Mothers Day is approaching. I’m hoping for some fabulous gifts because I nearly ruined my vagina having those three kids! I figure those gifts are my compensation for pain-and-suffering. And I’m not just talking about child birth…..

I was decent mom. I wrote creative IOUs from the Tooth Fairy; I kept cereal on hand for dinners; I held on to their artwork…… 
                                                                      for a little while.

And the lies I told them weren’t BAD lies. You know the ones – the “It’s bedtime” lie when you want some peace and quiet; the “I don’t know where your candy is” lie when you just devoured it all in a single sitting; and the “We were just wrestling” lie when you were ….. well, you know. 

Motherhood DID give me super powers, though:

   -- I can shoot daggers from my eyes and make a child stop dead in her tracks

   -- I can extend my right arm from the driver’s seat and save lives

   -- I can make ice cream invisible in the freezer and later, when I’m alone, make it reappear

   -- I can sniff out evidence of a working digestive system

Some of my other motherhood survival accomplishments include:

   -- I can pee in front of just about anyone

   -- I can pick a booger that isn’t mine

   -- I can fake enthusiasm for performances (this has come in very handy in my dating life, by the way)

So, for one of your next girlfriends’ get-together, gather up some moms and go rent a hotel room for a slumber party. Play MOTHERHOOD: TRUE CONFESSIONS. Here’s how to play (but feel free to adapt as needed):

MOTHERHOOD: TRUE CONFESSIONS

Create cards out of the topics below (add as needed). Place these cards face down on a table. Select one person to be the Judge – this person does not answer cards; she “judges” and keeps score.

Oldest mother goes first (“age before beauty”). Everyone except the Judge takes turns selecting and answering cards. After each person has responded to a card, the Judge ranks that mother’s level of “confessionality” on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being “not much of a confession at all” and 10 being “OMG, we can’t believe you really said that out loud” and writes it down on a score card. Everyone takes turns responding to cards until they are all used – or until everyone has answered the same number of cards. Highest score wins.

Cards

The most soiled outfit I ever wore in public

The best trick I ever played on my kids

The longest period of time I’ve gone without a shower

The longest period of time I’ve gone without shaving my legs

My worst attempt at being sexy after motherhood

The most disgusting thing I ever found in my car

The most ridiculous consequence I tried to give one of my kids for misbehaving

The longest time I’ve gone without doing laundry and how I did it

The worst breakfast I ever let my kids eat

The worst lie I ever told my kids

The longest time I ever let my kids watch TV at one sitting

The worst thing I ever cooked or baked

The biggest bribe I ever made to my kids

A time I “lost it”

A time I embarrassed one of kids on purpose

The longest time I left a kid in time-out because I forgot s/he was there

A time I blamed a kid for something I did

My worst holiday planning

My most embarrassing moment as a mother

The worst thing I ever did/said to my mother-in-law

Grandma Diaries

by Tonia

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” ~Ellen DeGeneres


I come from a long like of fabulous grandmothers. My own grandmother captivated us with stories about the Easter Bunny’s and Santa’s house-entering stealth when depositing our holiday goodies. (Besides being a LIAR, she was a fabulous grandmother.) The day my own mother became a grandmother she grabbed a Vietnamese baby out of the obstetrician’s arms because she thought it was her new grandbaby. (Besides being a KIDNAPPER, she, too, was a fabulous grandmother.) Aside from these minor psychopathic tendencies, both of these women adored and were adored by their grandchildren.

I’m now a grandmother - not sure how that happened since I’m only 35 <eye roll> but I, too, adore my two grandchildren. I’m just not sure I fit the traditional grandma mold, though. My grandmother taught me to play Gin Rummy; I taught my grandson to play poker. My mother taught my daughter to sew; I taught my granddaughter to scrape out the icing from Oreos and replace it with toothpaste. When Rachel brings the grandkids to my house she races to grab all the magnets off my refrigerator because she doesn’t want to explain them to the kids.

One week-end when I had the grandkids in the car with several other family members we were all talking crap when Jayden asked with a big smile, “This is the bad side of the family, isn’t it?” Such accolades from one so young.

When I’m babysitting I always try to remember my own children’s teen years …… so I can get revenge. I feed the grandkids lots of sugar, let them bounce on the bed, and run wild through the house just before their parents pick them up. In fact, I’m thinking of retiring early so I can spend more quality time like this with them – just as they become teenagers. Heh, heh, heh.

Certainly my grandma image is different from my predecessors. Victoria Secret catalogues instead of quilting magazines lay next to my chair; my canning involves potato vodka instead of green beans; and my blue hair is quite different from the blue hair found at Furr’s Cafeteria. Someday, when I’m gone, the grandkids will probably be less interested in old pictures of me and more interested in my old Facebook status updates. Well, except for those boudoir pictures I have hidden away. OOPS!

But I’m crazy about these kids and I just can’t see them enough. Maybe I’ll get their faces tattooed onto my arms. Yea. That’s it. Grandma tats!

For your next girlfriends' get together invite moms and grandmas to write down some of their "less than stellar" moments as role models. Collect them and then read them out loud one at a time and have guests guess who each one belongs to. If you dare!! 

Mom FAIL

By Tonia

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" – Milton Berle

I never duct taped my kids to the wall, put them on leashes, or held them upside down off a balcony, but I certainly had my share of Mom Fails. I mean, I really tried to be a good mother, but there were THREE of them and only ONE of me. Something had to give.

So I may have let one of them eat cat food; and I may have let another one eat dirt.......and I can't bring myself to say what the third one ate.

I might have run out of cloth diapers and used my ex-husband’s shirt as a baby pee-pee absorber. I might have been in my nightgown when I took them to school and ran out of gas on the way. And I might have forgotten to pick one of them up after school once ….. uh, OK, twice.

And, yes, I may have let Anna believe that some of Rachel’s baby pictures were hers. And I might have laughed when Josh used the Barbie dolls for BB practice. And I could have told one of them that I only gave birth to her to be my personal slave. And ….. well, I may have said that I took up gardening to hide the dead bodies of my other disobedient children. Geez. Everyone is such a critic!

I made sacrifices, you know! All those nights with a sleeping baby on my chest when I soooo needed to pee. All those shopping trips with teenage girls who wouldn’t make up their minds which swim suit to buy. And all those years of body fluids. OMG, the body fluids. You know the ones – pee, poop, snot, vomit, breast milk. I’ve worn them all  – in both genders!

So, as Mothers Day approaches, I wanted to come clean – and give other mothers permission to let go of perfection. The parenting literature talks about the "good enough mother" - not the "do-it-all-perfectly-or-your-kids-will-be-fucked-up-forever mother." And I can attest to that. Despite me, all three of my kids turned out to be delightful adults. Two of them are even on this blog. 

SO, for your next girlfriends’ get together, those of you who are moms may want to play our Bad Mom Bingo. It'll make you feel better! Happy Mom's Day!

Soccer Mom Probation

by Rachel

“The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does.” -  Phil Woosnam

 

Sitting outside in the blazing 300 degree Texas sun, make-up melting and sliding down my face like war paint, I’m hoping that my deodorant lasts at least an hour. Across the field I see moms having wet t-shirt contests in order to stay cool. Bitches. This is my Saturday morning ritual at 5 year old soccer.

I thought soccer would be a great way for my kids to get some exercise and learn teamwork. Turns out that I’ve joined some kind of insidious cult. Parents are on the sidelines screaming and running around like maniacs without medication. Note to screaming parents: your kids can’t hear you!

This past Saturday was our 3^rd soccer game of the fall season. It started out like most games: one kid crying because he didn’t want to play, one kid trying to catch butterflies, one kid dancing around holding himself because he had to pee, everyone clustered on top of the ball. But this game was to be different. The other team kept pushing and tripping our boys. Finally one of our parents yelled at the ref and jabbed her finger into his chest. Well, that didn’t go well … our team is now on probation …

They need to pass out Valium at these things…..

For your next girlfriends’ get together, when you absolutely need Valium (or chocolate!), make these delicious chocolate bars. Serve with vodka.

Healthy Chocolate Bars

½ cup peanut butter

¼ cup butter

1/3 cup honey

1.5 cup real oats (not instant)

2 tablespoons flax seed

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Melt the honey, peanut butter and butter in a pot over medium heat, stirring constantly. Remove from burner once melted. Pour in the oats, vanilla, flax seed, and chocolate chips. Stir until ingredients are combined. Pour into a well-greased 8X8 pan and put it in the fridge until the mixture cools. Cut and eat!

Awww, Motherhood....

by Tonia

"People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool." - Elayne Boosler

Aww, motherhood......often begins with pregnancy. Back in the days when I was knocked up we couldn't find out the gender of our unborn babies - it was a surprise. Personally, I thought it was surprise enough to see a human head coming out my vagina but then I got another surprise when I saw its genitalia slide on out. I got surprised three times -- and each one produced a child (you know how one worries).

One (of the many) problems with having children is that they are not returnable. They come. They stay. They stay for a very loooong time. I always thought I'd be the perfect mother, but that delusion quickly turned to desperate prayers of, "O God, if you'll help me not kill them, I promise to quit fantasizing about the lawn boy." I also prayed for the FDA to approve tranquilizer guns for children but that prayer was never answered. I agree with Ed Asner, "Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."

But the years flew by. I let them live and now have three grown children - and most of my sanity (well.......). I think they may even have forgiven me. And because of this colossal accomplishment, I'd like to share what I have learned about motherhood from each developmental stage. Tell me if you agree.

Things I learned as a mom of young children:

-- Small Legos will indeed pass through the digestive tract.

-- When a child doesn't want his picture taken, give it up. It's easier to balance the national budget.

-- Diaper backwards spells 'repaid'.

-- If you run out of milk you can add baby formula to mashed potatoes. (Other great cooking tips to follow in another blog.)

Things I learned as a mom of school-aged children:

-- If you have trouble getting your child's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

-- If vomit is spewing from your child's mouth, don't try to run to the bathroom with the vomiter... it leaves a trail.

-- There are fifty shades of pink eye.

-- Dropping off children at school in your nightgown and robe will guarantee that you run out of gas....even if you have a full tank.

Things I learned as a mom of teens:

-- Standing mailboxes are only temporary house ornaments when teaching teens to drive.

-- Eye rolling, foot stomping, door slamming and OMGing can happen in a single motion... and at Olympic performance levels.

-- Zits are claims to be absent from school. Don’t fall for it.

-- Teens only threaten to run away. They rarely do. But the thought of it helps.

 Things I am STILL learning as a mom of adult children (God help me):

-- Don't give advice.

-- Humans are NOT the smartest species - we let our children return home after they are grown.

-- Don't give advice.

-- Giving grandkids giant chocolate sundaes with Coke to drink just before their parents arrive to pick them up is fabulous revenge.

-- Don't give advice.

-- Oh yeah, and don't give advice.

A fun girlfriends' get-together is a WEARY MOM PARTY. Activity ideas:

(1) Have everyone bring the weariest-looking picture they have of themselves and create a collage to hang. 

(2) Give everyone 3 index cards and ask them to write down 3 ways they have embarrassed their children (one on each card). Post these on the walls around the room and ask everyone to go around and mark the ones that they, too, have been guilty of. See which child-embarrassing behavior wins. 

(3) Create a Mothering Mistakes Bingo game (i.e. "Let my child eat ice cream for breakfast," "Forgot to pick up my child," "Used 
the TV as a babysitter," "Lied to my child," etc.)