My Mammogram Call Back

by Tonia

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid." - Dave Barry

I got a call back after my mammogram this year. That’s like an encore, right? Because the girls did so well? Not exactly. There had been a “change” in my right breast since my last mammogram and an ultrasound was needed in order to rule out…you know….

All kinds of things started to run through my mind. My mammogram tech and I had previously negotiated a safe word: could I use the same one with the ultrasound tech, would I have to create a new one or would I even need one at all? After all, rubbing my tit with some kind of object just seemed like kinky foreplay. Would there be handcuffs or ties on the table, too? Would I have to remove my glitter pasties? I just had so many questions!

I was supposed to make an appointment. But first I had to check my calendar to make sure there weren’t any big events coming up I wanted to be in a good mood for. Geez! I didn’t want bad news about my ta-tas to ruin a good time!  So I checked my calendar and made the GD appointment. 

As I was laying on the table flashing the ceiling, I started making promises to the Universe. “If this ultrasound is OK, I promise I’ll quit fantasizing about the lawn boy. I’ll quit texting and driving. I’ll stop posting inappropriate things on Facebook.” I’m not sure which promise worked but it turned out that the “change” was only a cyst – according to the dictionary, “a membranous sac or cavity of abnormal character containing fluid.”

“Abnormal character,” huh? Bahahahaha!

Extra “fluid”? Woo hoo! Fill me up! I just need a cyst on the other side now so I can save myself some money on implants!

Soooooo for your next girlfriends’ get together (great for breast cancer awareness month or if a girlfriend is going thru breast cancer treatment), play FREEING THE TA-TAS.

Directions: divide your guests into two (2) teams. Have one member from each team put on the exact number of bras as she has teammates – on the OUTSIDE of her clothing (for example, if there are 3 teammates besides her, she will put on 3 bras). Have the Bra Wearers stand about 20 feet away from their lined up teammates. When someone shouts “GO!” one of the teammates from each team runs to her team’s Bra Wearer, unhooks one of the bras with only ONE hand, takes it off and outs it on herself (using 2 hands this time) and runs back to her other teammates. The next woman in line then runs to the Bra Wearer and does the same thing. Continue until the one of the original Bra Wearers no longer has any bras on and the last team member has returned to her teammates. First team to accomplish this wins!

Colonoscopies: Giving a Shit

by Tonia

I finally decided to get a colonoscopy. Eleven years overdue, I’d run out of excuses. I know what you’re thinking – how come she has all the fun? Ugh. I’ve been looking forward to this about as much as a root canal or an IRS audit - even being buried alive in sand with ants crawling all over my head somehow seemed less dreadful.

But I did my research and found the cutest…..I mean, most competent gastroenterologist I could find. He had excellent reviews. Too bad he was just going to see me as an asshole.

I told some of my girlfriends I was going (BIG mistake). They joked that they couldn’t tell the doctor to go boldly where no man had ever gone before because that just wasn’t true. Dammit! I tell them WAY too much……

So the time got close and I started on my day of clear liquids. Chicken broth, tea, apple juice. Vodka. (KIDDING!) I can’t tell you the number of times I went to the pantry and ‘frig to get something to eat and then remembered that I was grounded. Grrrrrr…. Anyone who says fasting draws attention away from physical needs to spiritual concerns didn’t have MY growling stomach!

Then came the time to drink my first prep. Holy Mother of God, that shit was DISGUSTING! It tasted like some kind of salty, fermented cyanide……except that I didn’t die. I only wished I could.

And it was about then that I realized something was wrong with my car and I needed to call a tow truck. It took the guy awhile to arrive and during that “while” my intestines began to explode. Seriously. It made my most urgent urine stream seem like cute little dribbles. I can only describe it as the kind of force that one sees when testing fire hydrants. If I had been outside and bent over, it would have knocked down large pets and small children.

But the tow truck guy was knocking at my door. As soon as I could, I got up from the toilet and explained where I wanted my car to go. I said I would not be accompanying him, however, because I had to stay close to the bathroom. And THAT understatement, my friends, ranks right up there with Astronaut Jim Lovell’s, “Houston, we’ve got a problem” when Apollo 13’s oxygen tank exploded.

I’ll spare you the description of the next 14 hours but, let’s just say that at the end of it, no one could tell me I was full of shit. It just wasn’t true.

Anna drove me to the procedure. I wanted to draw a bull’s-eye around the target so the cute doctor wouldn’t mistake one of my cellulite dimples for my asshole. Or, at the very least, I wanted to write a message on my ass, “This isn’t my best side.” But, alas, it all happened so quickly that I had no time. I woke up and it was over.

So I did it. My results were good. Now everyone can get off my ass about it!

And, in honor of colonoscopies, for your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a Healthy Gut potluck. Ask everyone to bring fiber-rich foods, citrus fruits, and foods that contain probiotics (yogurt, miso, etc). Then honor the wisdom of your “gut” by talking about times when your gut feelings were accurate despite evidence to the contrary!

It's Music to My Vagina

by Tonia

Have you heard about Babypod? It's a small speaker inserted into the vagina so pregnant women’s little uterine occupants can listen to music. Yep. A musical tampon. (I thought one of joys of pregnancy was NOT having to use tampons!) I know lots of women who GOT pregnant with music, but I’ve not known any to stick music up their va-jays-jays AFTER they got knocked up.

But it’s nice to know that the vagina can be so functional …. since it’s mostly an unused, empty space - and so conveniently located. Just jam a couple of speakers up there and turn up the muzak! Maybe it could also be used for other kinds of storage as well. Snacks. Household items. Cleaning supplies. How about a pez dispenser to reward a partner for a little cunnilingus?

Supposedly Babypod was invented after several ultrasounds showed fetuses responding to music by moving their mouths and tongues – you know, like fetus lip syncing. Can’t wait for that new show. The makers of Babypod also assert that music improves in vitro fertilization (no vagina needed for that, BTW). You know, cuz sperm like to try their best dance moves as they move to the beat of the music while approaching the ovum.

A definite advantage of the Babypod would be to get a little vibration going in the ol’ hoo-ha. Kind of like those hands-free vibrators. Which I guess means staying out of the public eye while playing Beethoven to Cletus the Fetus. But it would be kind of fun to walk around Walmart and confuse people about the faint music sound. If anyone asked where the music was coming from, I’d simply say, “Yea, its my vagina.”

For your next girlfriends’ get together, forget the Babypod and just have a sex toy party. You’ll especially like the hands-free remote-operated vibrator! You’re welcome!

Tennis Menace

by Tonia

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." - Mitch Hedberg

My granddaughter started taking tennis lessons this summer. Watching her brought back fond memories of my own tennis attempts in childhood. So I decided – what the hell – I like raising a racket – I should take it up again. Never mind that I’m 61 years old, uncoordinated and out of shape.

So, my first attempt was with Rachel (daughter) who also hasn’t played in years. Her first words to me were to take it easy - she didn’t want me to fall and break a hip because she’d have to take care of me the rest of my life. Grrrrrr ….. I raised brats.

This is what it looked like: both of us chasing balls on our court, on other courts, over the fence, in the parking lot and down the street. And this is what it sounded like:

-- “F**k!”

-- “S**t!”

-- “God d****t!”

Along with:

-- “Where’s the ball?”

-- “Just kidding!”

-- “Was that your Protect-My-Boobs shot?”

-- “Do you do all your own stunts?”

The grandkids went with us but, after a short time, they both hid in the car - they didn’t want their friends to see them with us. I didn't come home with tennis elbow – I came home with tennis body.

My next attempt was with the boyfriend where Love means nothing. Trying to look cute and sexy, I ran up on the ball to smack it and *WHACK!* it bounced off my forehead and took my hat with it. My stupefied look was not …. well …. sexy.

But, never one to give up just because I should, I have continued to play with some girlfriends (where looking stupefied is well accepted). The last time we played I ran to make a shot, knocked over the ball hopper and sent 70 balls into the neighboring court where GOOD players were playing. Yes, it was epic.

So, for some great exercise, lots of laughs and LOTS of personal growth in frustration tolerance, take some girlfriends to play tennis. Then go get a drink – or four.

Yoga: Pose and Repose

By Tonia

“Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.” ~Author Unknown



I’ve recently taken up yoga. Up until now my only yoga pose has painting my toenails. It’s not been easy - I’m about as flexible as a mental patient in a straightjacket.

 

But, hey, I’m giving it a try - bending over backwards in fact. But there is a part of me that thinks, “Can’t we just play Twister?”

I’m fascinated with the names of the poses. There’s one called the Corpse Pose. Playing dead – now THIS one I can actually do! This may become my favorite…..

There’s also Half Lord of the Fishes Pose. WTF? First of all, I didn’t realize that fish had lords and, second of all, what did they do with the other half of him?

Then there’s at least three dog poses: (1) Downward Facing Dog Pose, (2) Flip Dog Pose and (3) Three Legged Dog Pose. Why is yoga so fascinated with canines? The only yoga-ish pose my dog does is when he licks his balls. But he SURE doesn’t understand what I’m doing. You should see his face when I’m posing – well, YOU can see it because I CAN’T see it when I’m in that damn Downward Facing Dog Pose.

There’s also one called Cow Face Pose. I know I probably LOOK like a heifer trying to do these poses but geez……be nice!

I think I’ll come up with some of my own poses. Let’s see......

Computer-facing Woman Pose - My go-to pose....all the fucking day

Downward Hang Over Pose – A spine stretcher pose as I’m bent over the side of the bed on Sunday mornings
Time to Get Up Pose – An arm and spine stretcher pose as I consider getting out of bed

Lord of the G-spot Pose – A hip opener pose as I .... well .... you know

Full Moon Pose – A bend over pose as I expose my ass to douchbags

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, put on those yoga pants (that act alone reduces stress!) and entertain each other with goofy poses. Take pictures! Have everyone bring a healthy snack with its recipe and laugh ….. laugh a lot. In fact click HERE to see a video about Laughing Yoga! That may be my best yoga pose......