Toast or Roast?

By Tonia

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness – and call it love – true love.” – Robert Fulghum

I recently attended the wedding of two dear friends. It was history-making - the first gay wedding performed by a minister in their denomination. And it was absolutely beautiful - not a dry eye in the place.

Dagobert (not his real name  …. seriously, who has a name like that?) asked me to give a toast at the reception. This was definitely not one of his smartest decisions. Later he accused me of doing a roast instead of a toast. Some people are just so damn sensitive…..

So I thought I would share it here and let you decide. Toast or roast?

Dagobert and I met 25 yrs ago working at a hospice. It was good to share an office with someone who wasn’t stiff ….. although Raymond <husband> might disagree. While working there death seemed better than the loooong, boring interdisciplinary team meetings we had to attend. I would stick pencils up my nose and he would lean back in his chair and flick his nipples. Somehow I always got caught but he never did.

There was also a time when Dagobert called my practice and, thinking he was talking to me, opened the conversation with, “Given any good blow jobs lately?” Five secretaries later, he’s finally learned to ask to whom he is speaking.

Over the years we lost touch, but 4 years ago we found each other again. I was so excited to catch up. But all Dagobert could talk about was this new guy. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond <think nasally whine>.
Raymond this and Raymond that. Geez.

But then I met Raymond. I instantly recognized in him, as in Dagobert, the same warmth, the same generosity, the same kindness, the same obnoxious humor …. and, of course, the same stupid fart jokes. Like one sang to the other, “You are the wind beneath my sheets.”

I don’t know if love is all you need but, if it is, Dagobert and Raymond are rich beyond measure.

I also don’t know what souls are made of, but theirs are surely made of the same stuff (partly farts, no doubt).

So raise your glasses because today love wins. Dagobert and Raymond, may your love feed each other’s souls with strength, laughter and a lifetime of happiness.  

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, grab a bottle of champagne and celebrate one another! Create toasts for each other. We all need the laughs and the affirmations! 

Blow Jobs for Dummies

by Tonia

“An erection is like the Theory of Relativity – the more you think about it, the harder it gets.”  ~Author Unknown

Since I spend summers alone in Santa Fe, NM, I often look for things to do by myself. Alone but not lonely, ya know? On one particular Wednesday night I was bored and looking for something to do. I could go to a movie; I could take myself out to dinner; God knows I could shop. OR I could go to a “Mastering the BJ” class – a course “for anyone who has a dick in his/her life and wants to show it some oral love!” I’ve had some dicks in my life, alright, but I think they meant penises.

So I drove myself to Self Serve in Albuquerque, a woman-owned sex positive toy shop that has won a ton of awards (BIG SHOUT OUT FOR SELF SERVE HERE – click on their name to link to their page). I tried to get my gay friends to join me but they said they didn’t need lessons – people had been begging them to TEACH the class for years. Whatever.

So I went by myself. I figured it would be fun and the only stiffs in class would be the dildos. And were there dildos! Holy penis! The only color I didn’t see was Smurf blue and the only size I didn’t see was Elephant.

Now let me say: giving a blow job is hard work. Talk about multi-tasking! You gotta’ sheath your teeth, generate spit, suck, work your tongue, move back and forth at the right rhythm - all while trying to look sexy, not gag and make eye contact. Seriously. And if it takes too long my mind drifts to Did I lock my car door? What do I need at the grocery store? I wonder what’s going to happen on this season’s Orange is the New Black?

But our instructor said we’ve got to have ENTHUSIASM so I need to keep my mind on what I’m doing and show that I'm having fun. (I guess if I don’t enjoy the thought of pleasing him, I shouldn’t be boinking him.) She gave us lots of great tips and none of it was hard to swallow………

So what did I learn?

  -- I learned that a room full of women talking about fellatio is uproarious

  -- I learned that if I open my mouth like a sword swallower I won’t gag (and I’ll have new job skills for the circus!)

  -- I learned that humming creates an erotic sensation (but the William Tell Overture may give him performance anxiety)

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, fix some Blow Job drinks! You won’t mind swallowing!

BLOW JOB

Mix together the following in a shot glass -

½  oz. coffee liqueur

½  oz. Irish cream liqueur

½ oz of vodka

Add whipped cream on top.

Have your guests drink their Blow Jobs without using their hands. Instruct them to go down on the drink with only their mouths. Then pick up the shot glasses with their mouths, tilt their heads back and drink up!

Who Arted

By Tonia

Three girlfriends and I recently attended a Vino van Gogh evening of wine and painting. I knew I had no artistic abilities when I made the reservation but, hey, there was wine! And I hoped that the more I drank the better my painting would look.

You see, my artistic ineptitude began a long time ago…..

MY MOM, “Honey, that is the most beautiful house I’ve ever seen!”
ME: “It’s a blueberry pancake.”

            and

MY MOM, “Oh, Sweetie, your doggie is adorable!”
ME: “It’s another blueberry pancake, Mom.”

My only other art experiences have been painting by numbers, finger writing on dirty cars, penciling in mustaches on photos, and drawing dirty pictures inside bathroom stalls. The public graffiti I’m not admitting to.

So our evening began with our friendly resident artist assuring us that there were no mistakes (ahhahaha!). She patiently (did I say how patient she was?) led us step by step through a water lily painting. And, despite her excellent warning to be sure to dip our paint brushes in our water glasses and not our wine glasses, my unruly paintbrush found its way into my wine glass. Bastard brush!

So we drank and painted away and I was amazed that my water lilies didn’t turn out looking like blueberry pancakes! We had a fabulous time and I highly recommend Vino van Gogh for your next girlfriends’ outing. (Click HERE for their website.) In fact, I’m feeling so confident now in my artistic abilities that I think I’ll go draw myself a boyfriend……

Humor: The Super Glue of Friendships

by Tonia

"Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families." 

I love my girlfriends. Their love, support and hilarity have kept me out of psychiatric institutions. I tell them crazy-ass stories and they don’t judge me. I tell them about my stressful situations and, after they try to be empathic, they poke fun at them. Our shared humor brings me deep comfort because I know they “get me.” When they turn my angst/ fears/ heartbreaks/ disappointments into laughter, they turn my stinkin' straw into gold.

Women bond with laughter (both with and without eye-rolling). It’s our way of saying, "OMG, I know!" We share stories of midnight rendezvous with Ben & Jerry; of wrap-around skirt failings; of fake orgasms and mind-bending orgasms; of screaming babies with comatose partners; of incinerating, hell-preparatory hot flashes; of evil plots of revenge on exes….

If one of us complains about a husband’s irritating habit of rolling his eyes at her, someone responds, “Who does he think he is – a teenager?” Bingo. Girlfriend validated.

If one of us has morning sickness, someone says, “Yea, getting knocked up means a hangover every morning ... but without the shit-faced fun the night before.” Bingo. Girlfriend validated.

If one of us has a cooking disaster, someone has a similar story, “Hey! I tried to use Fruity Pebbles instead of Rice Krispies for snowballs - looked like balls of puke.” Bingo. Girlfriend validated.

It’s hard for girlfriends to get together for more than five minutes and not exchange some kind of personal information and start to laugh. It’s ‘estrogenergy’ – special female chemistry that has inspired quilting bees, garden parties, teas, sororities, bridge clubs, bridal showers, and baby showers for centuries. WE call them ‘estrofests!’

In honor of ‘estrofests,’ here are some hilarious woman-honoring games for your next girlfriends’ get-together:

FAKE ORGASM OLYMPICS – Ask three girlfriends to be judges. Equip each of them with five (5) pieces of paper with the numbers 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 written separately on each one. Then ask three participants to sit in chairs in front of the judges. Instruct the participants one at a time to spend 30 seconds doing their best imitation of an orgasm (think Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally). When the demonstration is complete, ask the three judges to hold up their “scores” (one of the five numbers). Add the score and then repeat with the second and third participants. Highest score wins.

SUPERMOM RELAY – Set up two identical mommy task/obstacle courses (described below). Form two teams of 3-5 women. Have each team create a line; give each team three  (3) dolls (representing children). Explain that each team member must run through a Mommy Task/Obstacle Course and complete each chore while holding on to her “children” (team members who drop children will be reported to Child Protective Services – this can be whatever you’d like it to be: starting over again, running a lap around the yard, etc.). When a team member has completed the course, she should return to the line and hand off the “children” to the next teammate so that she too can run the course. The first team to have all team members complete the task/obstacle course and return to the line wins. You can set out as many or as few tasks/obstacles as you like (just make sure that you set out two identical ones – one for each team). We have used some of the following:

(1) Grocery sacks with 5 (five) canned goods. Participants must put unload sacks and then load them again.

(2) Children’s books on chairs. Participants must sit down and read the first page out loud.

(3) Pans of water with a stack of 3 (three) plates. Participants must dip each plate in the water and restack.

(4) Lipsticks and mirrors. Participants must put lipstick on.

(5) Unfolded towels (as many as you have participants). Participants must fold one towel.

(6) Suit jackets. Participants must put jacket on and then take it off.

GET THAT MAN OFF YOUR BACK CONTEST – Using three male blow-up dolls and three game participants, tie one blowup doll to each participant’s back. To increase the level of difficulty you can also handcuff the participants. When the hostess says “Go!” the participants make every effort and gyration to try to get the “man off their backs.” First one to successfully do so wins.

Share with us some of your women-honoring games below!