Eat the Turkey - Don't BE a Turkey

by Anna

My mother has fully resigned from the holidays. At first, she just did nontraditional holiday meals. Now, she is completely moving out of the state to avoid any holiday expectations.

So, after a few years of turkey/dressing deprivation, she finally heard my cry and randomly dumped a 25 pound frozen bird in my ‘fridge. WTF? At first I was totally intimidated by the bitch’s huge ass (the turkey’s – not my mother’s). (And, by the way, are turkeys male or female? I didn’t see any of those body parts in the giblet sack.) But I decided to face my fears - my intimidation turned to interest and then to excitement.

I googled some recipes, set a date and invited some close buddies over for "Friendsgiving."  I thought for sure this thing would be thawed in 4 days. NOPE! Six hours before showtime the bitch was still frozen solid. So I threw her in some water, gave her a pep talk, and called my guests to let them know that we’d be having hor d’oeuvres before dinner (trying to buy some time). Two hours into her hot tub soak I slapped her on the ass and said, “Time to face the heat!” 

Of course she still hadn't warmed up to me so I ended up wrestling her to the floor trying to undo that plastic thing that held her legs together. Good god! It was like a chastity belt for slutty birds! I decided that I would just have to cut it off. I tried scissors; I tried knives; I tried chewing on it. I considered melting it with a lighter but finally got it off and scooped out her frozen innards. I found an old paint brush (other DIY tips to follow) and lathered her down with a mixture of warm butter, parsley, sage and rosemary. I like to call it my "Scarborough Af-Fair."

After I snuggled her in my tiny oven, I felt all warm inside. I started to wash some dishes and BAM! A wine glass exploded and made a huge gash on my hand. Blood flew everywhere. My apartment now looked like I had killed the bird myself. So off I went to the ER to get stitches. As karma would have it, my mother now had to monitor the very thing she hates to cook. (Sometimes the Universe has a sense of humor, don’t you think?) But, by the time she made it over, my smoke alarm was going off and it wasn’t to cheer me on - my whole apartment had filled with smoke. SHIT! Did I leave that towel inside the bird? Did l leave the giblet wrapper in the pan? Was the bitch mad about how I treated her and was letting off steam? WTF happened? I accused my mother of setting it on fire so she could get firemen to come over.

Despite all the travails the turkey was delicious and we learned that my smoke detector works and that the wait time in the ER is as long as it ever was.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, DON’T cook but definitely drink. This is what we like to serve on a cold winter’s night - a mixture of peppermint mocha with vodka in a peppermint cup. Cheers! (OUCH! My hand hurts!)

Weighing In

by Tonia

“Age is only a number. Weight is only a number. I’ve decided that numbers are really starting to piss me off.” - Maxine

I recently gained 10 lbs. WTF? How did that happen? Oh yea, eating, aging and not exercising. I’m trying to decide what to do with the extra flesh – (1) fold it over and tuck it in my pants, (2) hold my breath and try to keep it sucked in or (3) let it spill over like a muffin top. Can one have a birthday suit taken in?

I’d like to say that I’m just retaining water …… but I think I’m actually retaining food. What happened to the good ol’ days when I could eat anything and not gain an ounce? What cruel trick has the universe played on me? I guess I’m going to have to get one of those cones from the vet’s office and wear it around my neck so I can’t put food in my mouth. But I’m pretty convinced right now that I would gain weight simply by eating air. I do burn calories when I cook – but, wait, that just destroys the food and doesn’t take any weight off.

People say things get better with age. Maybe wine. Maybe cheese. But certainly not my waistline. Unless all that wisdom I’m supposed to have gained over the years is actually making me GAIN! Damn wisdom.

Well, maybe thin is overrated. Who needs to touch their toes anyway? Besides, at the rate I’m losing my memory, I won’t remember what I used to weigh anyway – or what I used to look like, for that matter.

But I have my girlfriends. And I think they will love me no matter how much I weigh. So for your next girlfriends’ get together I say have everyone bring their highest calorie dessert and pig out! Click HERE for a fabulous Hello Dolly recipe. I had a bite once and gained 600 pounds……..

Blender Blazings

By Anna

My mother recently got into a Nutribullet craze. This woman already eats like a bird. Guess now she wants to liquify the nuts and yogurt she has for every meal. In her enthusiasm she wanted me to proselytize me into her new way of starving ..... and made me a smoothie. Earthy for sure, but I thought I could get into this! I could get all my vitamins and minerals - and give Taco Bueno a rest. 

So she bought me a Nutribullet. Have you seen these things? They obliterate food in less than 10 seconds. Scared the fucking shit out of me! Whole carrot = 3 seconds. Too bad you can’t put old boyfriends in there..... 

One of the ads says, “To get the most out of life you need to get the most out of your food.” I need to get the most out of what I'm tasting. Is that ginger, cucumber, pear?? Because now I’m craving sake .....

But I tried. I went to Whole Foods and blew $120 on fresh, organic, local veggies and fruits. I went home and threw carrot, basil and kale into my Nutribullet thinking this was going to be the best smoothie idea ever. Maybe it would’ve been easier had I read the directions cuz….. uh …..now I had salad dressing!! 

Then there was the cherry, blueberry, banana "oh shit slush." WTH. I really don't know how to work this obliterator/blender. Guess I need some advice on adding ice, yogurt, water. 

So I decided to read the directions. Some people actually do this before they use new contraptions. So tedious. So I skimmed through the book and read where it said to hold off on the alcohol. WHAT??? Dealbreaker! I wanted to use my Nutrabullet for a NutraBUZZit! Throw in those beautiful plump fruits and add that vodka! Back to infusions for me!

Thank you, Nutribullet; thank you, Mom! 

For your next girlfriends’ get together try this Nutribullet Piña Colada

Nutribullet Piña Colada

1/3 cup pineapple chunks 

1/2 cup vanilla almond milk

1/4 cup sweetened shredded coconut

1 teaspoon agave or stevia

1/4 cup rum

4 ice cubes

Throw everything into the NutriBullet and process until smooth (won’t take long – promise!). Serve in a chilled glass and garnish with a cherry garnish OR pour into a hollowed out pineapple.

Jalapen-oh-oh-oh!

Estrofests is thrilled to host guest blogger, Angela Barbee. Angela is a remarkable social worker who works to keep children safe. Through it all she maintains a quirky sense of humor that fits perfectly with Estrofests' irreverent view of things. 

By Angela Barbee

I recently attended a party where the hostess made a delicious cranberry and jalapeno dip.  When it hit my tongue, I was initially confused by the sweet and tart, and then BAM! the jalapeno kicked in, resulting in an instant food orgasm.  I was determined to recreate the lascivious dip for a family dinner the next day. I wanted to impress the relatives – the people who are all too well aware of my cooking disabilities.

I found a seemingly doable recipe on Pinterest for a similar dip and excitedly began creating.  It was then that I got a call from a girlfriend. Now, there are two things that are universal to women concerning girlfriends and phone calls – (1) a lack of brevity and (2) a lack of dignity when the ol’ bladder demands relief.  So my conversation continued in the bathroom while I sprinkled my tinkle and wiped. Just before I got up I felt a weird feeling. Thinking a piece of toilet paper had taken residence on my vagina, I reached down and ….. scratched. That weird feeling then turned into a “Hummmm, this is NOT toilet paper and is starting to feel uncomfortable.” So I scratched some more. OK, now it was starting to burn. Scratched again. Then suddenly, oh sweet mother of God, my vagina was on fire!! Holy crap, jalapeno juice in my lady parts!

My friend, who was still on the phone, told me to grab baking soda, and proceeded to tell me, in Nerd Speak, how baking soda will neutralize….blah blah blah.  My vagina was about to start a forest fire - I did not need a science lesson! Thankfully I had a box of baking soda in the bathroom from another botched Pinterest project. I shook the box of baking soda on the inferno that was my vajayjay until my bathroom looked like an exploded crack house. My “friend” was hysterically cackling like a hen, while I was two seconds from doing the cooch scoot across the bathroom floor. Her next brilliant idea was to apply milk to the area, as she offered up another science lesson. I screamed to my family for milk as I abruptly ended my conversation. I jumped into the shower and poured a half gallon of ice cold 2% Borden between my legs. I thought, “Hell must feel better than this!”

After frantically tearing through the bathroom cabinets, I finally found little packets of oatmeal bath that claimed to “moisturize and sooth itchy, painful or irritated skin.” I dumped multiple packets in the tub, which foamed with the baking soda, water, milk and oatmeal. My inferno began to simmer to a smoldering blaze. After sitting in a 350 degree tub for 40 minutes, all I needed was flour and an egg and I could have had a CAKE to take to dinner.

Yes, I took the dip with me the next day and proclaimed it the BVD – the Burning Vagina Dip.  For some reason nobody would give it a try. Pussies.

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together try a Flaming Hot Pussy and order takeout while you share your cooking disasters.

Flaming Hot Pussy

½ shot 151 proof rum

½ shot cinnamon schnapps

Pour into shot glass and light on fire.  Suck down with a straw.



Angie Barbee is a mother of 3 teen and pre-teen girls and recent graduate of OU School of Social Work.  Angie’s other failed Pinterest projects include sewing and gardening.

Soup-er Bowl Exchange

By Tonia

“My idea of a super bowl is a self-cleaning toilet.” - ecard

Super Bowl Sunday is approaching - the most watched TV show in the US. Must be the Power of the Pointy Ball. In Oklahoma the pointy ball is so mighty that couples use football schedules to plan their wedding dates. I kid you not.

When I accidently catch a little football on TV, I shudder at those tackles with visions of Flat Stanley. For a homophobic nation, we sure like to watch guys lay on top of each other and slap each others’ asses. And, I want to know, how is it that the last 30 seconds of this game can take 2 hours? Grrrrrr…..

Personally I’d rather stab my eye out with a sharp knife than watch football. Or jump out of an airplane without a parachute. Well … unless Johnnie Depp was coming over to watch. And then I’d happily watch with him. But I’d be hoping he’d make a pass at me with lots of instant foreplays. I’d let him sack me, of course, with a whole lot of touchdown there. Sigh. Well, back to reality…

If you’ll be avoiding the game this year like I'll be, try having a girlfriends’ party instead. Call it the SOUP-ER BOWL EXCHANGE. Whatever number of girlfriends you invite, ask them each bring that number of 6-cup freezer containers of their most delicious homemade soup. When guests arrive, open and heat one of each person’s containers and set them out as samples. Serve wine, salad and bread with the soup tasting. Then at the end of the evening make sure that everyone takes home one of everyone’s containers of soup (like a cookie exchange). Fun night with a practical take-home goodie!