Weighing In

by Tonia

“Age is only a number. Weight is only a number. I’ve decided that numbers are really starting to piss me off.” - Maxine

I recently gained 10 lbs. WTF? How did that happen? Oh yea, eating, aging and not exercising. I’m trying to decide what to do with the extra flesh – (1) fold it over and tuck it in my pants, (2) hold my breath and try to keep it sucked in or (3) let it spill over like a muffin top. Can one have a birthday suit taken in?

I’d like to say that I’m just retaining water …… but I think I’m actually retaining food. What happened to the good ol’ days when I could eat anything and not gain an ounce? What cruel trick has the universe played on me? I guess I’m going to have to get one of those cones from the vet’s office and wear it around my neck so I can’t put food in my mouth. But I’m pretty convinced right now that I would gain weight simply by eating air. I do burn calories when I cook – but, wait, that just destroys the food and doesn’t take any weight off.

People say things get better with age. Maybe wine. Maybe cheese. But certainly not my waistline. Unless all that wisdom I’m supposed to have gained over the years is actually making me GAIN! Damn wisdom.

Well, maybe thin is overrated. Who needs to touch their toes anyway? Besides, at the rate I’m losing my memory, I won’t remember what I used to weigh anyway – or what I used to look like, for that matter.

But I have my girlfriends. And I think they will love me no matter how much I weigh. So for your next girlfriends’ get together I say have everyone bring their highest calorie dessert and pig out! Click HERE for a fabulous Hello Dolly recipe. I had a bite once and gained 600 pounds……..