Resolutions, Goals, Visions, Oh My!

by Tonia

"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to." - P. J. O'Rourke

After drinking <HOW MANY??> glasses of cheap champagne, blowing plastic horns until my lips are numb, and dancing .... uh, I'm not sure where, I like to declare my New Years resolutions. Of course that's after I peel the shrimp off my clothes and drink a gallon of water. It’s good to have goals, though. In fact, a study found that ten years after graduation, Harvard graduates who had written goals (is this like a "To Do" list?) were earning ten times more than their goal-less peers. 

But carrying out those damn New Years resolutions is like trying to eat healthy at McDonalds.  I really WANT to do the right thing, but I'm just too stuck in my old, greasy, bad habits. I’m thinking that this year it’s better for me to set goals I can actually meet. I can build on my successes. 

So here are my 2013 New Years resolutions:

1. I resolve to continue breathing – in; out; in; out.
2. I resolve to press the snooze button more often (if only there was one for my bladder!).
3. I resolve not to supply nuclear arms (or legs) to unstable dictatorships.
4. I resolve to drive past a gym at least once a week.
5. I resolve to write 2013 instead of 2012.
6. I resolve to share more of my opinions with my children. I so enjoy their eye rolls and sighs.

And because goals are important, get your girlfriends together in January and have a Vision Board Party. Vision Boards are collages depicting images of who you want to become, where you want to go, or what type of business you want to create. The idea is that your life changes to match those images as you keep your dreams and aspirations in visual range. Estrofests’ friend, and self-described wife, mother, creator, craft-aholic, first grade teacher and resident queen, Sarah Chimlo, gave us this fabulous idea. Check out her Vision Board below and her blog HERE

It’s a Blizzard of Brides and I have White Out!

By Anna

“It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner

“White-out” is a term bridal shops use when women have tried on so many dresses that they can’t remember what they like…. or, for that matter, who they’re marrying. Right now, during wedding season, I have white out. At the end of the day the store looks like the aftermath of a bridal tsunami - dresses, veils, shoes, bras, slips, tiaras, Spanx, barrettes everywhere. I can’t remember if I’m at work, in a blizzard or just finished having sex.

This is the time of year when I would like to recommend naked weddings. Not only would it be cheaper, a naked wedding would show true commitment, don’t you think? If someone is willing to marry a person after seeing her/him upright, nude and in broad daylight, it’s got to be true love.

When I first started working at the bridal shop I thought I would encounter the famed Bridezilla, but turns out there is no Bridezilla – IT’S HER MOTHER. We call her the M.O.B.ster – the mother of the bride who tries to be bigger than life and direct everyone like Tony Soprano. She looks at price tags and acts like she needs smelling salts. She blabs on and on about her “little girl” and her own ancient wedding. These mothers come with so much drama I feel like I’m in a bad lifetime movie. Turns out, it’s my real life. 

But the brides are fun. Let me introduce you to a few:

Type A-nal Anastasia

These women come with a printed list of their favorite dresses. They have already registered and planned their entire lives. They know what they want – and usually it’s something to do with being a Disney Princess. They always buy. And they almost always cry.

Rock It All Roxy

These women look fabulous in anything - but have no idea what they want. They are tons of fun for my inner fashionista. Even though they rarely buy, dressing them up is like playing Barbies again.

Shit Kickin’ Katie

These gals are obviously country. (Remember, I live in Oklahoma.) If Uncle Dale ain’t preachin’ or they ain’t getting’ married out back then they’ll definitely be wearin’ shit kickers (AKA cowboy boots). These brides are easy. They never want a train on their dress and never cause a fuss. This is their one stop shop and they wanna’ get the hell outta there. My commission thanks them.

For your next bridal shower or bachelorette party, try playing the I'VE NEVER GAME.

I’ve Never...

One at a time, ask each party guest to admit something she’s never done before. Encourage everyone to be creative and wacky. For example, "I’ve never gone to a bar commando" or “I’ve never had sex on the roof.” After each admission, anyone who has done that particular act has to take a shot of beer (or whatever alcohol you want to serve). You may learn more about your girlfriends than you ever wanted to know which, of course, is the whole point.....

My Other Life

By Tonia

 “Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.” Katharine Whitehorn

Unless you’ve read my bio you probably would never guess that my day job is teaching at a university. Yep, even have one of those PhD things. Allow me to share with you my life in academia …

First of all, my office in no way resembles faculty offices in the movies - which are the size of small libraries with comfy leather chairs, beautiful volumes of books lining the walls, and a window that overlooks the loveliest part of campus.  Oh, no. My office is the size of a small closet. Boxes of notes and articles are hap-hazardly thrown around so that finding anything on my desk is like an archeological dig. And the view? The parking garage.

Aw, yes, and speaking of parking….unlike the real world, parking permits on university campuses do not guarantee you a parking place – they’re simply a license to hunt. I usually park illegally. This tends to get my car booted. Unlike cute car bras, car boots are ugly ball-and-chains that impair auto mobility. I don’t recommend them.

When you teach for a university there is also this thing called tenure. Highly desired, tenure creates the difference between being jr. faculty and sr. faculty –- kind of like the difference between being a Brownie and a Girl Scout. Well, not really, but close enough. Actually, there is a lot of pressure to get tenure because, if you don’t, you’re fired. The reality is that even God Almighty probably wouldn’t get tenure – after all, He only had one publication. And it wasn't even in a refereed journal.

As a rule professors are known to be a bit narcissistic and temperamental. You’ve heard the joke about how many professors it takes to screw in a light bulb? “Just one – he holds the bulb up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.” Fortunately the faculty in my department are delightful – and have great senses of humor. We have a mechanical dinosaur that we send into each other’s offices with obnoxious messages in speech bubbles taped to its mouth. We have a skeleton that makes a Halloween appearance on the toilet in one of the women’s restroom stalls. We’ve even used crime scene tape to cover teaching podiums. And once someone (**whistling and looking away**) sat a life size blow up doll in a colleague’s class.

We even have ongoing theoretical discussions about why the chicken crossed the road. Yes, this is important research - I worked hard on my degree to be able to ponder such things. I’ll share a few of our thoughts with you here:

FROM PSYCHODYNAMIC THEORY

The chicken crossed the road because her Id said "Whoa, cool, go for it, Baby" and her Superego was on vacation.......

FROM COGNITIVE THEORY

The chicken crossed the road due to her irrational belief, “I am unlovable if I do not cross the road.” Ironically, becoming road kill was what made her truly unlovable.

FROM BEHAVIORAL THEORY

The chicken wasn't really sure why she had crossed the road - she just heard a bell and had to go......

So what does all this have to do with a girlfriends’ party? I have no damn idea, but here is Anna’s fabulous chicken salad recipe in honor of our research on chickens’ road behavior. Enjoy your girlfriends and no fowl moods allowed!

Anna's Chicken Salad - serves 2 generously or 3 skimpishly

2 small thawed & diced chicken breasts  

1 tbls minced garlic

1/4 tbls cracked pepper

1/4 tbls sea slat

1/4 chopped red onion

Saute in pan until chicken is cooked & onions are carmelized. Let cool.

Chop 2 celery sticks (rinsed with head & butt cut off)

Dice 1 large roma tomato

Dice 4 large strawberries

Put in bowl & mix in 4 tbls of real mayo & 1/4 tbls of celery salt. I mix with a fork to avoid any smooshing. 

When chicken mixture is cool, add to fruit & mayo mixture. Do not drain the chicken; there are favors in the juice. Stir thoroughly with a fork & chill in fridge.

When ready to serve you can top with green onion or nuts or both :)

When building your sandwich add iceburg lettuce for a cool crunch. Enjoy!