Swiping Right, Right, Right

By Tonia

“Is it hot in here or is it just our fevers and shortness of breath?”- Twitter @ThunderFerret

I'm single. Really single. So, over the years, I've been on a few (OK......TONS of) dating websites, swiping a little to the right and a lot to the left.

But, in these times of perpetual boredom, I've found myself stalking the sites, swiping myself into a case of severe carpal tunnel. 

While I'm generally pretty selective in my right-swiping,desperate times call for outrageous measures. I mean, it’s such a weird time for all of us, I might as well make it weirder, right? So I've been swiping right just to get a little ….. uh ….. social interaction.

·      Doesn't look homeless? Swipe right.

·      No crotch pictures? Swipe right.

·      Background doesn’t look like he lives in his mother’s basement? Swipe right.

·      Doesn’t have a crazed, psychotic look in his eyes? Swipe right.

·      Spelled more words correctly than incorrectly? Swipe right. 

·    Doesn’t have a pic of himself with 6 kids in the back seat of the car? Swipe right.

·     Smiles in at least one of his pictures? Swipe right.

·     Looks like he has survival skills for the Apocalypse? Swipe right.

Of course there’s no meeting. I mean, I’m not even supposed to touch my own face, much less someone else’s ….. or any other body parts for that matter. Not that the guys aren’t trying to meet! Offers during quarantine:

·      “Can’t spell quarantine without u,r,a,q,t, Wanna meet?”

·      “Hey, do you need toilet paper? Because I could be your Prince Charmin.”

·      “Let’s do drinks at my place before we all get the Rona.”

·      “Whose flat screen is better for a little mutual confinement?”

Since carnal knowledge with new people doesn’t flatten the curve, sexting has become my entire love life now. But, let me tell you, if autocorrect doesn’t spoil the mood, my own ineptness does. Several years ago I accidentally texted a super risqué picture of myself to my daughter. I think she may still be in therapy…..

I also tend to poke fun at the wrong times. An “I want to kiss you all over” text gets “Like all over the house? All over the yard? All over the neighborhood?” as a response. When asked for pics, I can't seem to stop myself from sending the nude meme above and the pic you see here. I truly suck at this (and not in a fun way). Is there a class I can take somewhere? Sexting for Dummies?

But, I guess I’ll keep swiping (should I be wearing gloves?) and see how many men I can continue to terrorize. Ya gotta do something when under house arrest!

So, or your next girlfriends’ party, consider sharing the cheesiest pick-up lines you’ve ever heard. Then maybe admit to your own romantic faux-pas. That may take a few drinks, though.

Datesasterous

By Tonia

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.” – Rita Rudner

Well, I’m back on the market – yep, the online dating market/arcade/bazaar. And it’s no coincidence that ‘dating’ rhymes with ‘hating.’ If it weren’t for the great dating stories I get to tell afterwards I’d probably give it up. But my girlfriends expect to be entertained - they love hearing how I’ve wasted yet another hour of my life in some idiotic meet-and-greet.

So let me tell you about two different first dates I recently had. I’ve learned over the years to plan these things at coffee shops. Some people think this is for safety reasons – but it’s actually for the extra caffeine I usually need.

First Date #1 could hardly introduce himself before starting a caustic and relentless rampage about the evils of suburbanization and car-dependency. This is how you’re flirting with me? He had some kind of grudge against modernity and told me how big cities were doomed to collapse. I may be doomed to collapse during this date! Every time I tried to change the subject he took me back to the impending Dark Ages. Is there no light at the end of this date? “Call me,” he said as we parted – but that would be like staying in touch with my kidnappers after they let me go….

First Date #2 at least waited 5-10 minutes before divulging his complete medical history and recent bout with Diverticulitis. I got a detailed report of his surgeries and stay in ICU – complete with a description of his open surgical site and his current problems with a hernia. Is this guy hoping for sympathy sex?  As if that wasn’t enough medical information he continued to tell me about his multiple sports injuries. This date is more torturous than being flogged at a BDSM Club – and not nearly as kinky or fun. I needed more than coffee here – I needed antacids.

Maybe I need to give up the online dating and go back to traditional dating – you know, picking up guys in bars!

So I really do need a girlfriends’ get together…..with alcohol. Who’s buying?

Bushwacked

by Tonia

Spending the summer in New Mexico reminds me that dating is like living in the wild west: it’s full of snakes, bandits, outlaws, buckaroos, and desperados. Instead of dudes, there are just a lot of duds. Every once in a while I guess some lucky woman finds herself a Marshall Dildo…..oops…..I mean, DILLON…..a Marshall DILLION. But that wouldn’t be me. Internet dating for me has been the wild west, where there ain’t no law – where to “bed him down” DOESN’T mean a romp in the hay; it means “to kill a man.”

But I’m a believer in getting back in the saddle (even if I don’t get rode hard and put away wet). As I’ve sauntered up the trail of internet dating sites I’ve met guys in white hats, guys in black hats, guys with big guns, guys with badges, and sometimes.....my own kin.

 

As the mother of 3 thirty-somethings, 2 of which are single, I suppose it had to happen. Raising my children to appreciate diversity, my son threw a large lasso by setting his upper age limit setting to include…..well…..fabulous women my age. Then came the bushwhack………my adorable self ending up in the inbox of his “persons of interest.” He’s a mama’s boy but we ain’t THAT close! Fortunately, I’ve instilled a sense of humor in my offspring. After a big laugh, he left that dating site.

But the covered wagon train of online dating drama didn’t stop there. Oh, no. There was another ambush. Anna ended up in the possible matches of one of MY flames. Seems my son isn’t the only one to cast a wide net. Fortunate for that flame he knows that while internet dating is untamed and rough, barbed wire fences (boundaries) do exist.......AND that I don’t own a shotgun.

My new saying? Internet dating is all fun and games until you run into a relative. The “oh my” factor is like running across the profile of a co-worker times 100.

So the next time you plunk yourself next to the incubator of incestuous intimacy known as online dating, circle the wagons by making a stiff drink and brace yourself that inevitable moment when you find Uncle Bob staring back at you.

The Bushwacker 

4 oz cream of coconut

2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur

1 oz Bacardi® black rum

1 oz dark creme de cacao

4 oz milk

Combine ingredients with ice and shake - or put it all in a blender. Serves up in two 12 oz cups. For fun serve in a tin cup for a Cowgirl party (but we didn't have one for the picture - sorry).

The Cat’s Out of the Bag

By Tonia

As a single woman about to turn to 60, I’m concerned about my new title. You see, I date younger men. Not MINORS - just younger.

 

According to the Urban Dictionary, a 40+ woman who dates younger men is a COUGAR and a 50+ woman who dates younger men is a JAGUAR. There isn’t a name for a woman in her 60s who dates younger men. What the hell does that mean?? ZAP! I’m no longer dating?? Surely I’m not a SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER – about to be extinct because of lack of prey!

According to AARP, 34% of 40-69 year old women date younger men. Clearly, curiosity is not killing these pussy cats! So the cat is out of the bag – or the closet, so to speak. Older women LIKE younger men and actually date them.

I applaud these women (guess I'm applauding myself, too). Older women in our culture are often made to feel invisible. So many of us are protesting this phenomenon with, “Look at me! I’m not dead yet! In fact, I’m HOT – and I’m NOT talkin’ about those flashes, Baby!”

"If you count the piano lessons we've been
dating for almost a year."

No ‘fraidy cat for me. I’m going to stick my neck out …. or my boobs …. or whatever gets noticed …. and follow the examples set by Elizabeth Taylor, Susan Sarandon, Melanie Griffith, Madonna, and others. Hope my kids don't start bragging, “My mom’s boy toy is younger than your mom’s boy toy!”

And, by the way, these women aren’t just dating younger men because they can. A recent study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly found that women with partners 10+ years younger have greater relationship satisfaction than women who have partners the same age or older. Hmmmm. Wonder what THAT's about <wink, wink>.

So, after your next boy toy date, get some girlfriends together and fix the Superstar Vixen. You earned it! 

SUPERSTAR VIXEN                   

1 oz Vixen Vodka


3 oz Ginger beer


1/2 oz Raspberry lemonade

Just Say NO

by Tonia

"The Ukraine girls really knock me out..." - Beatles (Back in the USSR)

In the news: Ukrainian women are just saying “No” (or “Nyet”) to doing the deed with Russian men. It’s a protest to Russia’s takeover of Crimea. Several Russian journalists have wondered what’s gotten into these women. Uh ….. not YOU! Ukrainian women have decided that Russians are big dicks - and not the lucky kind. So, like the Smurfs, some Russian men are singing’ The Blue Ball Blues.

The story reminds me of the ancient Greek play about Lysistrata who persuades the women of Athens to withhold sex from their partners to force an end to the Peloponnesian War. This play has everything, by the way: erections, gender politics, more erections, old guys in dresses. It’s the Animal House of ancient Greece. In one scene the old men bring fire to burn down the city’s gates but the old women soak them with water – kind of a reverse wet tee-shirt contest.

But the women soon start to feel desperate for sex (I know THAT feeling!) and begin to make excuses to return to their beds – “Uh, I need to wash my sheets,” “Uh, I need to air out my comforter.” But Lysistrata whips them back into shape (well, not literally – see blog on Fifty Shades of Grey if you’re interested in THAT sort of thing) and they stay strong for the cause.

Meanwhile, all of the men are burdened with enormous erections. (On stage this scene looks like a Viagra festival – my favorite part.) They finally agree to peace talks. There’s a huge celebration in a hybrid May Day Parade/Orgy scene. Everyone gets laid and lives happily ever after.

So I hope that the Ukrainian women have the same success. Recently on Facebook they wrote, “Russian women, care to join us?” and “Our men are all still at home, but yours appear to be going to war.” How do you say, “Hold out there, Bitches!! We’re with you!!” in Ukrainian?

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider finding a cause to protest or support. Solidarity!