Holiday Conversations with the Dog

by Tonia

Even though my sister lives with me, she and I have very different work schedules so Remington (aka the Dog) and I spend a lot of time alone together. We have frequent discussions and he often tries to give me advice. He's told me to invest my money in tennis balls; he's given me his critique of the various toilet water at friends' houses; he's even tried to tell me who to date based on their smell. He's mostly right - although I've not confirmed the toilet water thing. Recently we've had several conversations about the holidays.

After the tree was up and decorated…..

Remington: “You bought a tree for me?!! Thank you soooo much! You know how I hate going outside in the cold!”

Me: “Oh, no, no, no, no! This tree is not for peeing.”

Remington: “What kind of worthless tree is THAT?”

Me: “A Christmas tree.”

Remington, wagging his tail near the Christmas tree….

Me: “Don’t wag your tail so close to the tree!”

Remington: “Don’t you want me to be happy?”

Me: “Of course I want you to be happy. I just don’t want you to be happy around the tree.”

Remington: “I can’t believe my own maid is trying to sabotage my happiness.”

Me: “I’m NOT your maid!”

Remington: “I hope to God you’re not going to put those ridiculous reindeer antlers on me again this year.”
Me: “But you look so CUTE in them! And I LOVE to dress you up!”

Remington: “I oughta’ dress YOU up! Maybe I’ll dress you up as a street walker…..oh, wait, that would be your everyday attire.”

Remington: “I think that Christmas is scarier than Halloween.”

Me: “Really? Why?”

Remington: “Because of that fat white guy that stalks us in the front yard and that fat red guy who tries to break in the house through the chimney.”

Me: “That’s Snowman and Santa Claus, goofy!”

Remington: "Maybe Snowman is cool, but I can feel Santa’s presents when he’s in the chimney."  

Me: <groan>

Remington: “Why are you putting up mistletoe? Don’t I greet you with enough kisses?”

Me: “Yes, but I may want to snatch a few human kisses.”
Remington: “It’s so disgusting how you humans suck on each others’ mouths!”

Me: “HEY! We’re not the ones who sniff butts to introduce ourselves!”

Remington: “You need to butt out of that! Get it!? Get it!? God, I sleigh myself…..”

You may not have a talking dog (maybe I forgot to take my medication.....), but you'll  definitely be talking up a storm with your girlfriends this Holiday season after you try the Tipsy Bartender's THE NAUGHTY CANDY CANE. It's YUMMY! Check it out HERE.

THE NAUGHTY CANDY CANE

Peppermint Schnapps
Creme de Cacao
Cream
Grenadine
7up
Candy Cane

Two for the Road

By Tonia

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket." ~Maxine

Each summer I drive from Tulsa, OK to Santa Fe, NM so I can escape the clothes-drenching, hair-style-wrecking, boob-dripping humidity of the mid-west. Seriously, even my fingernails sweat. George Carlin said, “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” If that advice were followed during Oklahoma summers, I’d NEVER get laid!

So this week Remington (the dog) and I headed west in my speedy Prius for our annual Santa Fe adventure. Typically Remington is a great travel companion. He doesn’t sing along with the music; he doesn’t change my stations; he stays in the back seat and he doesn’t criticize my driving. But this year he started the “Are we there yet?”

Remington: “Are we there yet?”

Me: “No. And don’t start it. That’s why I brought you instead of the kids.”

Remington: “Fine. Then can I drive?”

Me: “No. You don’t have thumbs.”

Remington: “You could tape my paws to the steering wheel.”

Me: “Have I mentioned that you’re a dog?”

Remington: “That was mean.”

So I told him his job was to watch for the highway patrol. He seemed satisfied.

Along the way we saw lots of road kill, a hexed exit and a rest stop that was closed. Do rest stops get to rest, too?

And we had so much f**king wind I was afraid we’d end up like Dorothy and Toto in the Land of Oz instead of Tonia and Remington in the Land of Enchantment. Or maybe it was getting my hair ready for the Wicked Witch of the West part. 

But we made it without a speeding ticket, without getting hexed and without becoming road kill. 

Now I’m ready to get my Santa Fe peeps together for some poker! And, if you want to do the same with your girlfriends, consider getting some personalized poker chips with your pics put on them (you can decide the poses)! Check it out HERE at Shindigz.

Doggone It!

by Tonia

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman

I have a dog named Remington. He’s a mongrel that adopted me when I innocently visited an animal shelter. And, despite the fact that he walks around the house shedding like a chemo patient and chewing the crotches out of my panties (NOT in a sexy way!), he’s a pretty good companion. He doesn’t watch sports on TV all day and he looks me in the eyes when I talk to him!

AND he wants to be with me all the time. Hell, I can’t even go to the bathroom without him. This has made me very self-conscious about the way I pee and wipe. Am I doing it right? Is my stream strong enough? Should my wiping stroke be different? Am I remembering to go front-to-back? Is one swipe enough? Geez.

He even sleeps with me and hogs the pillow. If I do manage to escape into another room for ten seconds without him he’s as excited to see me as if I’d been gone six months. I bet if I locked Remington and my adult children in crates and came back an hour later, he’d be the only one happy to see me!

Besides the shedding and panty crotch obsession (often leaving my underwear with only a front and back flap – kinda’ like what the Indians wore in those old western movies), he tries to please me and is very transparent about his activities ….. unlike my friend’s dog .....

My friend lives alone with his dog. Each morning he makes his bed and each evening he returns to it completely unmade. It was quite a mystery until he figured out that the dog was having bitches over during the day and getting a little action. Quite the Dog Juan!

But I digress. Recently I took Remington with me on a road trip to Santa Fe. He was actually a very good traveler – was ready to leave on time; didn’t whine that he was bored; and didn’t bitch at me if I took a wrong turn. A perfect travel companion!

And since we’ve been here we’ve been doing lots of hiking. He loves it. He runs ahead of me on the trail – and then looks back at me to make sure I haven’t passed out. Now that’s love! I just need to train him to watch out for me at the bars now! And to drive me home…..

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, have a DOGGONE IT party (“Doggone it,” by the way, originated as a euphemism for “goddamn it”). Plan a fundraiser for your local shelter. Serve Salty Dog Cocktails or decorate cupcakes to look like puppies. Some great tips for animal shelter fundraising HERE. Let us know how it goes!

The Hampered Hamster

By Rachel

“My god! It’s a hamster with explosives taped around its waist!” – Colin Mochrie

We moved into a new house this summer. No one warned me about pet adjustment. The dog wouldn’t leave the friggin' area rug for the first two days – like it was some giant security blanket. We had to bring her food and water and put it ON the rug - AND had to CARRY her outside to do her business. For the love of God…

And then there was the hamster. It’s just a rodent, right? Well, this little rodent has a mind of her own.  Even under normal circumstances she doesn't like anyone messing with her nest. She stands on her hind legs and curses after I clean her cage (sounds like squeaking to the untrained ear). Like all of the animals in our house (and a few of the humans *ahem*) she is neurotic as hell.

So, when we moved, she turned escape artist. We found her on the stairs and in the game room - but always fairly quickly after her escape. One time, however, she was gone for two days. My daughter was devastated; cried for hours. I made an elaborate plan to buy a replacement hamster and pass it off as “Fluffy.” But, before I had to take a picture of Fluffy to all the pet stores in town, my husband found her!

She had started a new life for herself in the laundry room. She’d been stealing dog food from the dog dish and stockpiling it. Seems she had turned survivalist. I think I saw some camouflage and Lego weapons in her camp as well. We’ve now added an alarm system and a barbed wire fence to the hamster cage to prevent future escapes.  

And I gotta’ have a talk with the dog. Not sure if she let the hamster bully her out of her lunch – or if she was just too damn lazy to get up and do anything about it. I’m suddenly not feeling too safe with this “watch dog.”

But, in celebration of finding Fluffy, I made our favorite peanut butter cookies! These are simple to make and are always a big hit at parties! I know your girlfriends will love them!

Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup peanut butter

1 cup sugar

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 egg 

   

Mix all of the ingredients together in a bowl (or dog dish - whatever). Roll dough into 1 inch balls and use a fork to flatten them on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 6-8 minutes or until golden brown. Freeze some if you're into that stockpiling thing!

Tell us YOUR pet stories!