Plunged into Plucking

By Tonia

"No, no, not by the hair on my chinny chin chin." – the three little pigs

At 62, my bad hair days no longer have anything to do with my hairdo. That happened in the ‘80s …. every …. single …. day. No, my bad hair days are when the multiple hairs on my chin have grown over night like they were fertilized and I don’t have tweezers. That is my new bad hair day. So while the hair on my head is thinning, my eyebrows are thinning and, hell, even my pubic hairs are thinning, I’m growing chin hairs! Mother Nature and Father Time are fucking with me – and not in a kinky, fun way. I’m starting to remind myself of a 14 year old boy sprouting his first beard. New dating rule: No dating anyone with less chin hair than me.

I mean, just as my eyesight is going, I have single, dark hairs emerging all over my chin that I can’t see. Is this some kind of cruel joke? How am I supposed to fix this??

So I’ve purchased a 1000x magnifying mirror for my Search and Destroy missions. And I carry tweezers with me everywhere. Tweezers are no longer just for the bathroom any more. I have them in my purse, in my desk drawer at work, in the glove compartment of my car and even outside with the gardening tools. The second I feel one of those tiny little stiff hairs trying to poke itself out of my skin, I rip it out. But sometimes the hair isn't long enough to pluck, so I just have to sit and rub it, trying to get it ready to pluck (Hopefully, I just look like I’m rubbing my chin in deep contemplation).

Sometimes I’m driving along in my car and I see one that I’ve missed. Then I start to panic. How many people have seen it? Did they simply think it was a stray hair from my make-up brush? Did my make-up camouflage it enough? WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME???

I’ve thought about shaving them but, if I shave my chin like I shave my legs, I’ll end up bleeding like I’ve amputated something. And those tiny pieces of toilet paper stuck to the bleeding spots don’t always match my eye shadow.

I’ve also considered the over-the-counter creams. They dissolve hair but they don’t always work on coarse hair and, if you leave it on too long, it can dissolve your skin. Great. Melting skin. Just blend it in with the wrinkles.

Then there’s waxing - hot sticky wax that rips hairs out by their roots leaving scarlet, angry skin behind. The trouble here (besides the angry skin) is that you have to let the hair grow out ¼ of an inch before you can remove it. Uh…..no.

I guess I may look into laser or electrolysis……..or just join the circus.

For your next girlfriends’ get together, consider checking out your area’s Groupons for spa deals! Smuggle in some white wine in your water bottles! And to those unruly chin hairs, I say, “Well, pluck it.”

Is Your Betty Ready?

by Tonia

“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.” - Jarod Kintz

I recently ran across an ad for hair color –hair color for down there. Yep. Even I was surprised – I mean, who has hair on their Eager-Beavers any more? Not me! Too much hair just makes my camel toe look fat.

I guess the idea originated when someone saw hair dressers sending customers home with small bits of dye used to color their hair to use at home on the ol’ pubes - a batch to match the snatch. Carpet to match the drapes. Shoes to match the purse. Whatever.

The product is on the Betty Beauty website. It says, “get your betty ready.” Who calls their cooch “betty”? And get it ready for what? A perm? A blow dry? A pony tail?

But I was impressed with the all the available colors. Besides the typical hair colors, they also have FUN (hot pink), SEXY (lilac), LOVE (ruby red) and BRIDAL (aqua blue). Maybe I should let the lady garden grow wild so that I can use my bush as a mood ring. You know, change the color so the boyfriend only has to raise my skirt to see what mood I’m in:

BROWN – Feeling like shit. Touch me and die.

BLUE – Feeling kinda’ down, but convince me……
BLOND – Feeling like some fun.

LILAC – I’m open to anything. And I DO mean anything.

RUBY RED – Fuck me NOW!

Hmmmmmm. What are your thoughts? Go ahead and tell us in the comments below.

And, for your next girlfriends’ vagina celebration, add these two games to your party activities after looking at the ideas on our previous blogs HERE and HERE. 

--- Create cards with all the pictures of the different hair cut styles. Pass them out to everyone and ask them to write a girlfriend’s name on the style that best matches her. Post them or go around the room and explain your choices. Or do the same with the Betty Beauty colors.

--- Create a poster or comment box for everyone to complete the following sentence, “If my vagina could talk, it would say ________________.”

We're All Bag Ladies

by Tonia

“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.” – J.B. Morton

I’m having a crisis. I need a new purse. My old one has a shredded handle, holes in the pockets, ink stains and dried God-knows-what on the inside. And…..uh…..it smells. But I HATE to buy new purses!

I have a love-hate relationship with purses anyway. While they allow me be a mobile hoarder, they also conceal the very items that I need ASAP. Hours of desperate searching do not produce the needed item until it is no longer needed. And while there is something deeply satisfying about having that special guy ask sheepishly, “Would you put this in your purse?” I always worry about what might stick to his item.

There are women who change purses every day to match their outfits. Let me say - I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. I’ve attempted this but I only end up carrying 2 purses – my usual purse (with all my junk) – and the outfit-matching purse I am trying to transfer necessary items into all day long.

There are women who work 3 jobs to own designer purses. I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. To me, a purse is just a purse. But I googled “most expensive purse” and discovered that the Mouawad 1001 Nights Diamond Purse (18 karat gold with 4,500 diamonds) costs $3.8 million, earning it the honor of being in Guinness World Records for the most valuable handbag in the world. Motherf*^@*er! A purse like that needs to stay in a safe and not be carried in public!

 

I would rather have an obnoxious purse anyway. It embarrasses my fashionista daughters. I like the ones made out of car parts or discarded cigarette packages or coconuts or feathers. In fact, I’m currently deciding between the rubber chicken, the aardvark and the bloody knife. OR there’s always duct tape on the old one.

 

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a purse swap or a craft night where you make purses out of bras. Check out the directions HERE on wikihow.

Brutally Browless

by Rachel

Anna (my riotous baby sister) came to Texas and stayed with me while my husband was away on a business trip. We had a great time gossiping, making fun of our mother (her 1970s bathing suit, her necessary second fire extinguisher in the kitchen, etc.) ..... and discussing the latest make-up trends. Anna says thin eyebrows are out and thick ones are in. Researchers have actually analyzed women’s brows in magazines since 1946 and found that, not only have eyebrows gotten fuller, they've moved further away from the nose. Buh-bye, minnow brows!

Supposedly thick brows make you look younger and sexier! Wish I would've known this when I was a tweezers abuser! I’ve probably looked surprised for over 20 years now. AND I’ve over-plucked them for so long they won’t even grow back! Anna suggested we draw them in. I figured it was cheaper than hair transplant surgery so we headed to the store and picked up tools for our brow make-over. Uh, we may've been a little overzealous at first….

**Note: Anna wouldn’t let me post her first pic here, too terrified Mom will put it on her Facebook page, deterring future dating prospects…

Always looking for ways to shock my children, I picked up my pre-teen daughter from camp sporting the uni-brow look. Her nonchalant comment to me, “I hope you're going to wash that off when we get home.” Child embarrassment FAIL.

Not ones to give up, Anna and I were determined to have thick brows. So, we continued practicing the art of brow making.  We finally got an end result that made us feel younger and sexier (see pic of smokin’ hot Spicer women)!

So I was ready to take my new look out on the town (meaning soccer practice). It was friggin’ HOT - 102 degrees with a heat index of 650 (or close to it).

As I was chatting with the other moms, my daughter looked at me a few times and then asked, “What’s all over your face?” My new brows had melted and were smudged everywhere! Guess the brow make-over can't take the heat!

The next time you and your girlfriends get together to talk about your life's mishaps, make this fabulous cocktail! 

The Melting Face Stopper

1 can Fresca

2 shots vodka (or more if needed)

1 Tbls muddled strawberries

Ice

Fruit for garnishment

Chop up some fresh strawberries and mash them in a bowl (muddle them). Save a few slices for garnish. Next, shake the vodka, Fresca, and ice in a cocktail shaker. Add 1 tablespoon of muddled strawberries into your glass and pour in the mixture from your shaker. Add other fruits for garnishment if desired. Cheers!!

Taking It Off

by Tonia

“Never trust an anti-aging cream with an expiration date.” - unknown

As I face 60, I’m facing my face. Old age is accosting me like an unwelcome intruder breaking down my damn door. So I’m trying to get some inspiration. Recently I looked at some celebrities turning 60 (their lives are just like mine, right?). I found an article about Christy Brinkley’s secrets to looking young. Her advice? Much like her marital advice: Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate.

Exfoliation is not a new concept. Ancient Egyptians made exfoliation products out of alabaster, honey and sour milk. Sour milk?? OMG, if I put SOUR milk on my face my brain would go into high alert, signaling for evasive actions – like puking. No thanks, Cleopatra.

The Egyptians also used finely ground sand to rub off dead skin. Is that the original sandsoap? It gives a whole new meaning to having a sandy complexion (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Under normal (i.e. younger) circumstances about 30,000 skin cells fall off our bodies every hour – but, as we age, this process slows down. And guess where those dead skin cells go - they turn into dust and settle all over the house. Bits of our former selves everywhere – kind of like ‘Mini-Me’s. But,hey, if this process is slowing down, shouldn’t my house be less dusty? 

Now days there are so many choices for exfoliation, most designed to sell a product rather than actually do anything. But, in case you were wondering, exfoliation falls into two (2) categories: mechanical and chemical. One involves scrubbing and one involves, well, chemicals. It’s important to know your skin so that you use the right products. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like Samantha from Sex in the City after her chemical peel (see the scene on YouTube HERE).

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, bring out the scrubs, the alpha hydroxyl acids and the moisturizers and give each other facials. Serve apple martinis. Apples are good for you, right???