We're All Bag Ladies

by Tonia

“One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.” – J.B. Morton

I’m having a crisis. I need a new purse. My old one has a shredded handle, holes in the pockets, ink stains and dried God-knows-what on the inside. And…..uh…..it smells. But I HATE to buy new purses!

I have a love-hate relationship with purses anyway. While they allow me be a mobile hoarder, they also conceal the very items that I need ASAP. Hours of desperate searching do not produce the needed item until it is no longer needed. And while there is something deeply satisfying about having that special guy ask sheepishly, “Would you put this in your purse?” I always worry about what might stick to his item.

There are women who change purses every day to match their outfits. Let me say - I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. I’ve attempted this but I only end up carrying 2 purses – my usual purse (with all my junk) – and the outfit-matching purse I am trying to transfer necessary items into all day long.

There are women who work 3 jobs to own designer purses. I. Am. Not. One. Of. These. Women. To me, a purse is just a purse. But I googled “most expensive purse” and discovered that the Mouawad 1001 Nights Diamond Purse (18 karat gold with 4,500 diamonds) costs $3.8 million, earning it the honor of being in Guinness World Records for the most valuable handbag in the world. Motherf*^@*er! A purse like that needs to stay in a safe and not be carried in public!

 

I would rather have an obnoxious purse anyway. It embarrasses my fashionista daughters. I like the ones made out of car parts or discarded cigarette packages or coconuts or feathers. In fact, I’m currently deciding between the rubber chicken, the aardvark and the bloody knife. OR there’s always duct tape on the old one.

 

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a purse swap or a craft night where you make purses out of bras. Check out the directions HERE on wikihow.

My Vagina's Not in Vogue

by Tonia

“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding” - Betty White

A friend of mine recently posted a link on my Facebook wall regarding a new bleaching product for vaginas. Later I heard about cosmetic coloring for vaginas - yes, pussy dye. So which is it? Am I supposed to bleach it or dye it? What do you think? Should I go lighter or darker?

 

And then I read that my va-jay-jay may be too floppy or too hairy. Really? How on earth do I decide what it should look like other than what it does look like? Hell, I can barely decide what outfit to wear each morning – much less what my va-jay-jay is “supposed” to look like.

But WAIT! There’s more! I’m also told that I need to clean my natural secretions for the sake of “feminine hygiene.” Why don’t men have these products? You know, Penis Deodorants and Ball Wipes? Frankly, I like to think of my vaginal secretions as my vagina drooling in happy anticipation of some tasty playtime.

I just can't buy that there are any bad vaginas – maybe misunderstood (and probably mishandled) - but not bad.

The friend that posted on my Facebook wall is male and wrote the following for Estrofests readers - in opposition to the way women are bombarded by the media about needing to "fix" themselves: 

Your vagina is beautiful.

Yes you heard me, it is perfect in every way.

There are ones that truly unfold like a Georgia O’Keefe painting, boldly, and beautifully expressing themselves.

And there are ones that unfold more slowly, with a kiss, a caress, and some warm affection.

Each vagina is unique, each special, and each wonderful.

Do not listen to the nonsense articles that somehow want to convince you otherwise. They are probably trying to feed into your self-doubts and fears, in order to sell you some product you don’t need, or convince you that you must somehow change, or that you are not worthy of some lofty goal you can only achieve by spending money on nonsense.

Embrace how your legs lead gently up to this very magical place. How your body points down to highlight, and bring attention to, its beauty. And realize how much pleasure it can provide you, and your lover. From the first glance, it is intriguing. A gentle brush with the fingertips brings both the vagina, and the fingers to life. Warmth, moisture, tingling excitement… a quickening of heartbeats, and heavy breathing. Hoping for more, yearning for more…. Magical, wonderful, sensuous…. To touch, to taste, to experience a piece of heaven…. Yes my dear, embrace all that is wonderful about your body, it is completely beautiful.

 

So, for your next girlfriends’ get together, celebrate your vaginas. Come in unique vagina costumes, fingerpaint pictures of your vaginas, and read up on vagina folklore. In fact, take a look at our previous blog regarding vagina party ideas (CLICK HERE) and have a ball …. I mean, have a vagina!

Pantyhose, Tights, Leggings, Oh My!

by Anna

"If loving fashion is a crime, we plead guilty." - Unknown

My mother recently asked me how to wear tights, leggings and pantyhose. Thank God she asked before she left the house. This is a woman who thinks crocks and fannypacks are cute. Have I told you about her fashion debacles? Days after I FINALLY got her to ditch the Mom jeans, she came out with a short silk scarf tied around her neck. Hello 1960s flight attendant! Didn't realize Southwest Airlines was hiring in her age bracket.

Then there was the time we went skiing and she came down to breakfast in my sister’s middle school sweater from 20 years ago. Where does she keep this crap? Rachel and I moved to another table.

And then there were all the Christmas outfits. Not just sweaters. Not just earrings. Whole god damn outfits. Sweaters, skirts, shoes, socks, jewelry ….. all at the same time! She was festooned like a fucking Christmas tree. We just needed to wrap her in lights. Actually, I think there WERE some blinking sweaters!

My own fashion faux-pas happened in my fashion naïve years when I <shudder the thought> wore socks with sandals. While I still see this from time to time, seriously folks, this was only in style when the Romans were doing it.

So, to help my mom avoid more disasters, here is my tights/leggings/pantyhose advice (are you reading this, MOM??)

Pantyhose - Girl Friday

Works well with a skirt suit. They can also be worn with above-the-knee pencil skirts & dresses with knee high boots. I think they're perfect for a more finished leg look...

Tights - Club Girl

Worn under dresses, skirts or pants. Do not confuse these with leggings. Sheer tights for more formal occasions while opaque, brightly-colored and patterned tights are obviously more casual. You can wear footless tights with an open toe style shoe. Always buy high quality tights; they last longer. Reinforce the toes and freeze them to get longer wear out of them.

Leggings - Gypsy Girl

Pair leggings with a skirt or dress during colder months. You can also wear long tops with leggings. But remember to always cover the camel toe and try not to show too much ass. Be careful about printed leggings. These can make your legs appear larger and/or shorter. I personally have to avoid them. Experiment with different lengths – at the knee, at the ankle or anywhere in between. Ankle boots totally work with leggings, as well as ballerina flats, pumps and wedges.

Be confident. Confidence is the best accessory to any style. But, when in doubt about a style, text a girlfriend. And, if you're my mom, don't leave the house until I see a pic of what you have on!

And, for your next girlfriends' get together, consider having everyone bring at least one outfit with various accessaries in order to get feedback from the group about what might look best with the outfit. And, for the holidays, try this fabulous Pumpkin Pie Martini at the Martini Diva's website: click HERE. 

The Mysteries of a Woman's Purse

by Tonia

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Francois Merency

I recently saw Love, Loss and What I Wore written by Nora and Delia Ephron. It was a delightful show; I highly recommend it. And it got me thinking about purses….

My mother always changed purses to match her shoes. I can barely FIND my purse when its time to leave. My daughters spend mega-bucks to get designer bags. I get pissed off when I have to buy one and it costs more than $25. Guess this purse thing is above my sophistication level.

Someone once suggested that a woman's choice of purses and what she carries in it reveals her personality. Uh oh. If that’s true, I’m a disheveled, disgusting, scatter-brained sugar-addicted cheapskate hoarder in need of a serious intervention. The last time I cleaned out my purse I found enough receipts to build back an entire tree and a perfume sample that smelled like Chanel Number 5 in 1985 but now smells like an dirty diapers.

My purse is a mysterious place - a place that defies the laws of physics. It can carry MUCH more than its size suggests. Yet, once I put something in it, I may not find it again for days. I’m starting to believe that it is actually another door to Narnia and that my keys, cell phone and lipstick go on adventures as kings and queens to fight evil. They come back occasionally – but at their own will.

I was fishing around in my purse the other day while talking to my Director and I plunged my hand into an opened jar of homemade lotion. I felt the cold, wet goo squish between my fingers. I couldn’t decide whether to pull my hand out and horrify my boss - or keep it safely hidden in my purse the rest of the meeting and look like a moron. My fears about other disasters befalling my hand if I left it in my purse overpowered my concerns for making a good impression, so I pulled it out and asked for a Kleenex. (There was probably one in my purse but hell if I was going to go looking for it! It was probably in Narnia anyway.)

I asked a male friend of mine what he thought of women’s purses. After his look of terror subsided, he said that even the most accomplished, most organized women have purses that look like an ADHD kid on Red Bull and sugar. He thought they should have warning labels on them and was convinced that Jimmy Hoffa’s remains were probably at the bottom of some woman’s purse somewhere. Probably so. Probably so.

We’ve suggested purse scavenger hunts for girlfriends’ get-togethers before (which is still a great idea!) but a purse swap is also a useful and fun idea. Have your girlfriends bring over all the purses they don't carry any more (hopefully, clean) and lay them out so that they can be recycled among friends! And bake and decorate sugar cookies in the shape of purses. Have fun!!

My Recovery from Mom Jeans

by Tonia

"The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this." - Mark Twain

I have no fashion sense. While I probably dress better than a typical Walmart shopper, after 50-something years, I still have no idea what looks good on me. I know this is true because my daughters tell me on a weekly basis:

-- “Please say that you are just working in the garden today!”

-- “Mom, that dress looks like bad wallpaper with a zipper.”

-- “If you wear that, you’re riding alone because I’m going in my own car.”

I admit that on a recent ski trip I wore Rachel’s sweater from middle school. I thought it was a very cute, ski-like outfit. Guess not. When I came downstairs for breakfast, she and Anna burst into hysterical laughter and moved to another table. Damn brats.

They once advised me to buy some really cute boots so that I would look more up to date. OK. I get it. Get people to look at my feet instead of my aging face and body. I wore them to work and thought I was going to have to call for a wheelchair to get from the parking garage to my office. I stayed seated the entire rest of the day and stayed late so that, after all my colleagues left, I could rip those fuckers off my feet and go back to my car barefooted.

One time Anna went shopping with me to get some jeans. Guess I’ve been wearing the dreaded, long-butt “Mom” jeans. Every pair she wanted me to try on felt like I was one bend-over from a plumbers’ look. She insisted that I find some where the pockets ended below the bottom of my ass. Supposedly it makes the butt look better. Honey, if that’s the case, I need pockets in more strategic places than just my ass!                                                          

Here are Anna’s “rules” for avoiding the long-butt, “Mom” jean look (now programmed into my phone):

   (1) Stay away from jeans that come in small, 
medium and large sizes – code for “Mom” jean.

   (2) Shun jeans without back pockets or where you can’t tell the front from the back. Your rear-end will look like a gravity-inflicted watermelon was shoved into the back of your pants.

   (3) Avoid jeans where your socks show while standing. Not the “Mom” jean look – just dorky.

   (4) Look for jeans with a definitive break where your butt ends and your legs begin. Otherwise, your butt ends up with an infinity effect….

   (5) Finally, keep away from a completely elastic waist. Now you’ve gone way beyond “Mom” jeans. You’ve gone to jean hell.

For your next girlfriends’ get-together, have a Progressive Fashion Consulting Hor d’oeuvres Party. Each friend whose home is used lays out her main wardrobe pieces that she doesn’t know quite what to do with. As she asks her girlfriends questions and/or tries on things for advice, everyone is able to nibble on goodies. Time limit should be 30 min. at each house. Here is a fun recipe to match the theme! 

The Party Dress Veggie Pizzas

Roll out refrigerated crescent roll dough and cut with a dress cookie cutter. Place on a cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes. Mix one 8 oz package of cream cheese with half a package of Hidden Valley Fiesta Ranch Dip Mix. Once the “dresses” have cooled, spread the cream cheese mixture on each dress. Design your Vera Wang gown with items such as:  red bell pepper, pimento, sliced American cheese, chopped black olives, grated carrot, cherry tomato, spinach leaves, broccoli, cucumber strips, etc. 

Tell us your fashion faux pas!!