Swiping Right, Right, Right

By Tonia

“Is it hot in here or is it just our fevers and shortness of breath?”- Twitter @ThunderFerret

I'm single. Really single. So, over the years, I've been on a few (OK......TONS of) dating websites, swiping a little to the right and a lot to the left.

But, in these times of perpetual boredom, I've found myself stalking the sites, swiping myself into a case of severe carpal tunnel. 

While I'm generally pretty selective in my right-swiping,desperate times call for outrageous measures. I mean, it’s such a weird time for all of us, I might as well make it weirder, right? So I've been swiping right just to get a little ….. uh ….. social interaction.

·      Doesn't look homeless? Swipe right.

·      No crotch pictures? Swipe right.

·      Background doesn’t look like he lives in his mother’s basement? Swipe right.

·      Doesn’t have a crazed, psychotic look in his eyes? Swipe right.

·      Spelled more words correctly than incorrectly? Swipe right. 

·    Doesn’t have a pic of himself with 6 kids in the back seat of the car? Swipe right.

·     Smiles in at least one of his pictures? Swipe right.

·     Looks like he has survival skills for the Apocalypse? Swipe right.

Of course there’s no meeting. I mean, I’m not even supposed to touch my own face, much less someone else’s ….. or any other body parts for that matter. Not that the guys aren’t trying to meet! Offers during quarantine:

·      “Can’t spell quarantine without u,r,a,q,t, Wanna meet?”

·      “Hey, do you need toilet paper? Because I could be your Prince Charmin.”

·      “Let’s do drinks at my place before we all get the Rona.”

·      “Whose flat screen is better for a little mutual confinement?”

Since carnal knowledge with new people doesn’t flatten the curve, sexting has become my entire love life now. But, let me tell you, if autocorrect doesn’t spoil the mood, my own ineptness does. Several years ago I accidentally texted a super risqué picture of myself to my daughter. I think she may still be in therapy…..

I also tend to poke fun at the wrong times. An “I want to kiss you all over” text gets “Like all over the house? All over the yard? All over the neighborhood?” as a response. When asked for pics, I can't seem to stop myself from sending the nude meme above and the pic you see here. I truly suck at this (and not in a fun way). Is there a class I can take somewhere? Sexting for Dummies?

But, I guess I’ll keep swiping (should I be wearing gloves?) and see how many men I can continue to terrorize. Ya gotta do something when under house arrest!

So, or your next girlfriends’ party, consider sharing the cheesiest pick-up lines you’ve ever heard. Then maybe admit to your own romantic faux-pas. That may take a few drinks, though.